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THE LEGEND OF SISSYPUSS [1]
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Date: 2025-04-25
THELEGEND OF SISSYPUSS
In ancient times, SissyPuss was the king of Emphysema – well... he was an elected leader who pretended to be a king. He was elected by a plurality of one right after he bought his wife Melanoma a new pool slave.
He amassed a large fortune with the money he saved from not paying hisbills and selling trinkets made in Vulgaria like playing cards featuring him as the Farta from Sparta, fingerbones of saints (which came in sets of six) and Shrouds of Turin (‘only 5 left’) with matching pillowcases.
Hethen began writing orders which he imagined were actual laws, claiming that the law was what he said it was. This, of course, didn’t sit well with the highest court in the land, who issued a resolution: “Tuae pilae intolerabiles fiunt.” (Thy balls are becoming unbearable)
He then issued a proclamation that the whole world would be taxed, threatened to invade three allies and take over a part of the land of Judea so he could build overpriced inns, brothels and gamblinghouses.
Finally, the gods began to tire of his hubris (which SissyPuss maintained wasa ceremony where the foreskin of a person named Hugh was removed).
“He’sgetting totally out of control,’ growled Odin. “He now wants entrance into Valhalla every weekend with 72 virgin Valkyries, even though he’s never worn so much as a chainmail jockstrap in his entire life. His only battle was stabbing his own brother in the hand with a serving fork over the last pork chop on the plate.”
”AND he’s stealing my thunder,’ added Thor.
“He also wants his sons Kokehed and OverByte access to the Happy HuntingGround to shoot my sacred white buffalo,’ added Gitchee Manitou.
“You’d think he has more arms than me,” observed Kali, “considering the number of hands he has in other people’s pockets.”
“Some of his followers are now claiming he’s the second coming, and heagrees with them,” muttered Jehovah. “I have it on good authority from his own wife that there’s never been anything even close to a second coming. And when I had my boy, I at least found him a step dad who had a real job. He once gave me a beautifully crafted pipe rack .Don’t tell him, but I gave it to Hades – I don’t smoke, but he does. Literally.”
“Well something must be done.” proclaimed Adephagia. “I’m the goddess of gluttony and he’s actually giving me a bad name.”
“And soon,” added Atlas. “I’m strong enough to bear the weight of the world but every time this trough-feeder has lunch, I can feel it. You’re not suppose to eat gyros like a corndog.”
So, after long discussion (catered by Bacchus) it was decided that, dueto his most prevalent characteristic, that SissyPuss be condemned todrag a sack of his own lies up Mt. Olympus which punishment would only end when he reached the summit.
Naturally,he continuously added to its weight by exclaiming as he lurched forward a micro-cubit at a time, pausing only 20 times a day to gorge himself on gyros, sovlaki, moussaka, spanakopita, baklava, and BigMachia, (just a light snack, you understand) “Look at me! I’m almost there,” and “Good thing I’m another Hercules –stronger, in fact. Even yesterday Hercules came to me – tears inhis eyes – ‘sir, he said...’”
Of course what SissyPuss did not realize, was that he was not on Mt.Olympus on earth, but at the suggestion of Ares (to take some of the burden off Atlas) he was actually at the foot of Mt. Olympus on Mars, which, as we know, is over 13 and a half miles tall.
And so he struggles to this day, his bag growing in weight by about 500mina a day (a mina being roughly 3.3 lbs). At this rate, he might actually be halfway up by the Heat Death of the universe.
[END]
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