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A Flagpole-Measuring Contest [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2025-04-24

(Reprinted and updated from “Blowin’ In the Wind”, a piece posted on STREET PROPHETS on April 8, 2008)

When I read about Glorious Leader Trump’s plan to erect twin flag poles to flank the White House, my initial reaction was: What Will This Mean for the ACUITY Flag pole???

The Acuity Flagpole

Acuity is a big insurance company located in our town. After the attacks of 9/11 in 2001, Acuity decided to raise the height of the company flagpole, located on the grounds of their corporate headquarters, as a symbol of their patriotism and support for our country. Unfortunately, Acuity is located on the edge of town in an area with high winds. The 150-foot pole blew down and almost toppled onto I-43.

The company seemed to take this as a challenge, because they contracted with a Texas company to build an even bigger flag pole; one 338 feet high and 6 feet across at its base. The flag it flies is almost as long as the old flag pole was high, measuring 120x60 feet. Each star on the flag is 3 feet wide and each stripe 4 ½ feet wide. It looms over the western part of the city; and because of the sheer size of the thing, its flag seems to be rippling in slow motion as it floats in the wind. The motorized hoist used to raise the flag is synchronized so that the flag reaches the top precisely at the end of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Quite simply, it is the tallest flag pole in the United States.

One summer day, while I was driving down I-43, I noticed a couple large cranes next to the flag pole. I figured they were replacing the light bulbs on the airplane beacon on top of the pole. (At least I assume it’s a beacon; the blessed thing’s so large it could very well be a rotating restaurant). The next day, the entire pole was gone. "Omigosh!" I thought; "THE TERRORISTS HAVE WON!!! The flag no longer is there! Who will break the news to Francis Scott Key???"

Well, it turned out that Nancy Pelosi had not banned all flagpoles higher than Godzilla’s inseam after all. Apparently Acuity discovered that their new pole, designed, remember, by a Texas company, was not built to withstand the extremes in temperature found in a Wisconsin winter. So they dismantled the flagpole intending to rebuild it a little sturdier, and placing it a little bit farther from the Interstate, (just in case).

All through the winter and much of the spring, the skies overlooking I-43 and South Taylor Drive were left vacant and the wide stretches of Sheboygan’s west side seemed unprotected and vulnerable. Finally, when the weather permitted, the cranes returned and they restored the pole to its old glory. All that is missing is the flag.

But...

Passers-by noticed something alarming. The mighty flagpole, all 338 feet of it, was swaying in the wind. Not just swaying, but wobbling in a disconcerting manner. Yes, I know that architecturally, any tall structure like that has to have some give to it; like the Willow that Bends before the Mighty Storm; but the way that sucker was wagging did not look healthy. It made me wonder what will happen once they hoist the flag; and if they’d have to call in the engineers again.

Well, they did. They braced it up some more and even added a few more feet to the thing getting it to top 400 feet. It is now billed by the company as “The World’s Largest Symbol of Freedom”, (I think because they found out that there are a couple of taller flag poles in other countries, but since those aren’t flying the American Flag, they don’t count).

So when I read about Donald’s latest plan to erect twin flagpoles to flank the White House, I grew concerned. But no, Donald’s erections will only be 100 feet. Acuity’s will still be bigger, by 4x.

But that also worries me. Does the Don know about this? What will he do when someone tells him that he is NOT the hugest? Will revise his plans to make his flag poles 500 feet, or even larger? Or will he simply call the Acuity Flag pole a fake and threaten the company with a gag order to prevent them from spreading lies about its size.

* * * * *

I originally posted this piece on Street Prophets, Kos’s old sister site, back in 2008. Since SP was devoted to “The intersection of Faith and Politics”, I added a short homily at the end, which, with your indulgence, I will repeat here. Whether it has any relevance to our current Pole-sitter-in-Chief, I will leave for you to decide.

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