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SNARK: In Best Deal Ever, Trump Gives the Catholic Church to Putin's Thugs [1]
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Date: 2025-04-21
Moving quickly after the death of the Catholic pope, Donald Trump used his famous deal-making skills to force a merger of the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches.
“This should have been done like 2,000 years ago, but it was up to me to finally get the deal done,” Trump said. “The whole Catholic thing was becoming old — they were putting Mexicans, or some type of Hispanic guys — in charge and it really wasn’t what people wanted to see.”
The deal technically leaves Eastern Orthodox priests in charge of some areas in the Middle East, but it was expected that the Kremlin’s operatives within the church would quickly move to liquidate any problems.
Trump insisted on seats for nine new cardinals. “We want people in there who will speak up for the prosperity gospel,” Trump said. “All this blessed are the poor stuff is a waste of my time,” he said. Trump is expected to collect $14 million from each of the new cardinals as a blessing to the president.
Russian agents are expected to arrive on Wednesday to begin hauling away the treasures of the Vatican to Moscow. “Western art is decadent,” Putin said, “but it can bring in some badly needed cash.”
The meeting of Vice President J.D. Vance only a day before the demise of the Pope has raised some suspicions. Vance said, “He did look like an old Mexican guy, but there was nothing I could do for him. I always get criticism no matter what I try to do.”
Vance is expected to be named an archangel by Trump.
Asked about resolving thousands of years of differences in faith between wings or the church, Trump said, “Nobody really understands or cares about that stuff anymore. It is time to move on.”
“When I arrived in Washington, Christianity was just another failing religion,” Trump said. “Now we can make it Great Again and it could survive another two or three years.”
Pete Hegseth will join the Swiss Guards at the Vatican as a corporal. “It’s all worth it just to get that guy out of Washington,” Trump said.
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