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The Settling of the Dust... [1]

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Date: 2025-04-19

Good Evening my fine people! As I have said a few times before I am a lurker on this site for the most part. I have learned a lot from many of you, and for that I am very thankful!! Many of you educate me with your thoughts, feelings, and opinions on a daily basis. I find comfort in this during this crazy time.

I posted well over a year ago after we lost our dog… our friend and companion, of 19 years, Ruby. She was amazing… we still miss her, but have rescued another pup who we love to the moon and back. The comments many of you wrote after reading her story touched me immensely.

I write as a form of therapy. I rarely share what I write, but I now have well over 200 pages of vignettes of many personal stories, many of them centering on my struggles with OCD (of which I was diagnosed in 2010). I don’t put myself out there much since I essentially am putting myself out there every day. I am a teacher in a public high school in Philadelphia… so when I come home in the evening I tend to pull back and keep a lot of things to myself. My writing is my way of processing.

In any event, I wrote this back in November after Harris lost, and I just wanted to share this with everyone.

If you celebrate Easter, I wish you a happy holiday tomorrow, and if you celebrate Passover, Chag Pesach Sameach.

The Settling of the Dust…

I’m not going to lie; it has been a tough couple of weeks. Two weeks ago, at this time I was hopeful; hopeful that Kamala Harris would be our 47th President of the United States. Some evidence optimistically pointed in that direction. I was hopeful that the majority of Americans would see another tRump term as dangerous to our democracy. Everyone by now certainly knew who he was, what he stood for, and that he truly did not care about the American people, but rather himself and his wealthy minions.

Surely everyone saw and knew that another term would mean revenge, mass deportations, and a ruined economy; not to mention a continued war on women’s rights, with another front of the war focusing on LGBTQ+ rights.

Surely everyone knew this, surely everyone could see this, surely no one would want this.

I could not have been more wrong.

It has been a tough two weeks with regards to mental health… mine along with many others.

The night of the election was 2016 all over again, but somehow worse. When I went to bed at around 10:30pm I already had a bad feeling. Things were not adding up for what I hoped would be a Harris win. I fell into a deep sleep and awoke at about 1:30am. I wanted to reach for my phone, but Zena (our new pup), God bless her, was curled up next to me; for me to move would have disturbed her and I didn’t want to do that. She was nuzzled into my armpit; her breathing was keeping me centered as I was trying not to panic inside. She let out a little whimper in her sleep and I felt my heart melt a little… she helped me to fall back to sleep.

I awoke again at around 3am. Zena had moved to her own bed at the foot of ours and I was now free to move. I have always had little impulse control… I grabbed my phone and was met with what I already knew in my heart was going to be true. tRump was close to winning.

For the next two hours I lay awake frozen with fear. I thought of Greg and I; I thought of my cousin AJ… he and his followers HATE us.

I thought of my students, so many immigrants… some legal, some surely not. I thought of his promises of deportation; not only those here illegally, but those with temporary protected status. I also thought of his threat to end birth right citizenship.

I thought of the camps from his first term.

I thought of the children separated from their parents.

I thought of the racist attacks and rants made by him and his supporters.

I thought of the promise to cut Social Security and Medicare. I thought of all the people I know who depend upon these programs.

My mind raced and definitely began to catastrophize. I had to stop somehow and get off the spiral staircase, but this time no strategies worked.

My mind then went to those who voted for him; those who propelled him to this second chance to absolutely destroy the country… my country.

The first time he was elected in 2016 I wanted to understand why these people voted for him. This time there was no such want.

I felt hatred. White hot hatred towards these people.

The verdict is out as to whether hatred serves an evolutionary purpose. Most seem to think that hatred is learned. Psychologists seem to believe that hatred is driven by self-preservation and yes, fear. So, in some ways, it might seem to be evolutionary; especially in light of the self-preservation aspect. Furthermore, add to the mix the fact that we are tribal in nature and we tend to want to protect those who are in our tribe.

This theory works for both sides… those who subscribe to MAGA and those of us who don’t.

The one difference is that I was never taught to hate. I was always taught that it was wrong to hate or even look down upon ANYONE who was different. I remember being chastised many a time as a child for making fun of someone who was different in any way, shape, or form.

I believe those who subscribe to the MAGA movement were taught to hate. I mean, they seem to be so good at it; they seem to have no qualms about it… no guilt about it… no decency with regards to how hard they hate on certain groups of people.

I, however, feel guilty about hating these people. The guilt seems to lesson with each passing day, I’m somewhat conflicted about this.

If I were looking at it from the evolutionary stand point I shouldn’t feel guilty because this hatred might serve a survival purpose for me and those whom I love. To me, this is logical.

MAGA’s hatred, to me, is born of flawed reasoning… xenophobia, antisemitism, homophobia, transphobia, misogyny… all illogical and born of ignorance; some willful, some not.

Do I sound sanctimonious? I don’t give a fuck if I do. This is me, and well… I know I am right and they are wrong.

What about those who voted for him because of inflation and aren’t racist, antisemitic, misogynistic, homophobic, or transphobic? I say fuck them as well. They have also earned my hatred. I also believe they are, to some extent, all of the above listed… they just used the economy as a cheap excuse.

They knew who he was and what he stood for and voted for him anyway. They sold democracy, and the vulnerable out for a carton of milk and eggs (supposedly). I hope they enjoy their French Toast while they are getting fucked as well.

One of the most bitter pills I have swallowed in the past two weeks is that my country is truly full of truly SHITTY, SHORTSIGHTED, STUPID, people. I initially felt really stupid that I had hoped otherwise. However, I came to the realization that I should not fault myself for having been hopeful.

I know the next four years (maybe more, if we no longer have free elections) are going to be rough for many, perhaps even Greg and I. However, I am not going to chastise myself for relishing (and maybe even enjoying) the buyer’s remorse many of these ignorant fucksticks will be feeling in short order because of their bad choices. I hope they get everything they voted for, and then some.

However, I will not let these miscreants take my hope. It may be in tatters right now, but they cannot have it!

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