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I have an advance copy of the results of Trump's annual physical [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-04-12
President Donald J. (the "J." stands for "Just awesome") Trump received his annual physical at Walter Reed on Friday. Afterward, the President addressed the media on Air Force One as he headed for a working weekend at Mar-a-Lago. He reported in his typically modest and understated manner: "Overall, I felt I was in very good shape. A good heart, a good soul, a very good soul, and I took — I wanted to be a little different than Biden. I took a cognitive test and I don't know what to tell you other than I got every answer right."
He also said that, "I think I did well. I think they're releasing the report on Sunday," In the interim, let me just say that the word on the street is that the doctors have never seen a physical specimen to match this man.
Luckily, your faithful correspondent has managed to get his hands on a copy of the exam. I can now present the findings without unnecessary editorializing as the results sing for themselves.
To whom it may concern:
President Donald J. (the "J" stands for "Jesus Christ, this man is superhuman")Trump is a 6' 3", 183 lb man with the body of a 24-year-old Olympian. His body fat is barely measurable. The best estimate is around 1.2%. His musculature looks as if a Renaissance sculptor has carved it. Although he has much more going between the waist and knees than David. (Stormy Daniels is a big fat liar.)
His lab work — which entailed a comprehensive metabolic panel (CMP), urinalysis, complete blood count (CBC), and level checks of vitamin D, homocysteine, magnesium, folate, and creatine kinase — returned with numbers so perfect the technicians had to double check the results before his doctors pronounced them "godlike," "extraterrestrial," and "gold standard."
His blood is MAGA red, aristocratic blue, and irreplaceable white. His blood pressure is a rarely seen 110 over 70. His arteries are so plaque-free that their walls are smooth enough to reflect the happy faces of young, white, straight children raised without shame. He has no LDL bad cholesterol or triglycerides and enough HDL good cholesterol for two Super Bowl-caliber wide receivers.
His stress test shows he has a big, beautiful heart beating 10 times a minute and bursting with star-spangled patriotism and a love for his fellow Americans greater than any previous holder of the nation's supreme office.
Asked to sprint on a treadmill, he reached the machine's top speed of 30 MPH while his heart rate barely topped 12 beats per minute. All while he carried on trade negotiations with 70 world leaders simultaneously.
A colonoscopy revealed his ordure was odor-free.
Between tests, President Trump visited the hospital gym, where he executed 137 pushups in 60 seconds and then benched-pressed 492 lbs with one hand — while signing Executive Orders with the other. Several female physicians retired to the fainting couch after seeing his steel-corded muscles flex and contract in his Zeus-like limbs.
President Donald J. (the "J." stands for "Jenius") Trump also took intelligence and aptitude tests. The results were world-beating. Mentally, he is unmatched by any previous incumbent. We estimate his IQ at 312. No existing scale goes high enough for a precise number.
He also showed an unmatched ability to remember five words, which he could reorder at will. He was able to identify a giraffe, an elephant, and a snake from their silhouettes in under a minute. Nothing in the medical literature shows that the feat has been previously accomplished.
During his hospital visit, he also assisted a surgical team stymied by abnormal nerve signals during a heart transplant. The patient was later seen walking out of the hospital smiling. Why not? The Oval Office's Adonis had not only saved the man's life but had paid for the procedure. Although he modestly refused thanks, saying he hated the publicity.
In summary, we have never seen a man so medically perfect. His physique would shame a world-class athlete. His mental prowess outstrips the Nobel field. He would be the best at whatever career he pursued.
Fortunately, President Donald J. (the "J" stands for Justice-loving) Trump blessed America by turning his back on money and self-enrichment. Instead he chose to serve the nation and the planet at enormous personal sacrifice, the likes of which the world has never seen.
In short, without fear or favor, we can say that only God Almighty could have molded the divine clay that makes this man immortal.
President Donald J. (the “J” stands for Juvenescent) Trump is fit enough to serve unlimited terms.
Yours sincerely,
Dr. J.D. Johnson
Dr. Mike Taylor-Greene
Dr. Marjorie Hannity
Dr. Sean Vance
[END]
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