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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2025-04-11
Late Night Snark: Tariff Him A New One Edition
“It’s been one week since Donald Trump announced his bold plan to destroy the economy, and guess what? It’s working! … Trump is out of control right now. I’d say he’s like a bull in a china shop, but at 104 percent I can’t afford to say that.” —The Daily Show's Desi Lydic ”President Trump announced tariffs on all goods imported into the U.S., saying that the U.S. has been ‘plundered and raped’ by other countries. And Trump will not stand for plundering.“ —Michael Che, SNL “RFK Jr., seen here watching a chicken sneeze on a baby...”
—Colin Jost, SNL “China said the tariffs are ‘a mistake on top of a mistake,’ which is also what Trump said when Eric was born.” —Jimmy Kimmel “According to new analysis by the Washington Post, President Trump has spent one-third of his days in office at golf courses, and I think we might be better off if we can somehow get that up to three-thirds.” —Seth Meyers “So your theory is we’ll get our factories back but they’ll only have jobs for robots. So you’ll be broke, but at least your Roomba will be able to afford to send its kids to college.” —Stephen Colbert, on the Commerce Secretary’s boast that America’s economic renaissance will involve a new robot-based workforce to screw “little screws” into iPhones. “Trump wants a full military parade for his birthday. It’s nice to know the money we saved cutting the CDC, Social Security, and the Department of Education went towards throwing a child’s birthday party. There will be tanks, fighter jets, and our most dangerous weapon: a self-driving Tesla.” —Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 11, 2025
Note: Today is National Pet Day. Before the night is over be sure to give all your furry, finned, and feathered family members a big hug. Or, if your pet is a porcupine or a skunk, perhaps a friendly wave.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Earth Day: 11
Days 'til California's Petaluma Butter & Egg Days: 8
Today's trump tariffs on every country but China: 10%
Trump tariff on China: 125%
Percent chance that Trump's top official on tariffs, Trade Representative Jamieson Greer, was defending Trump’s original tariffs to his dying breath during a House hearing when Trump made his tariff-cutting announcement: 100%
Percent of the world's energy usage in 2024 that came from clean sources, the highest since the 1940s: 40%
Box office gross of The Godfather, Part II during this week in 1975, making it the #1 film of the week 50 years ago: $1.2 million
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Masters Tournament preview…
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CHEERS to Billydamus: Seer of the Future. Let's start with this baseline fact: I hate to brag. In fact, I am so good at hating to brag that…well, I hate to brag. But after reading what I predicted on Monday, I'd by lying if I said I wasn't thinking about re-starting the 900 number-based Psychic Friends Network to squeeze out some quick cash from the prognostication-deficient among us. (Come back, Dionne Warwick! We can make it work this time. I’ll even stop asking for my lawnmower back that you borrowed in 1988.) Sometimes I scare myself:
Sneak Preview of the Week Ahead Monday: Tuesday through Friday: See Monday.
Please don’t hate me for my gift of foresight. Hate me for the usual reason: because I’m beautiful.
CHEERS to showing up. The Republican leadership in the United States House of Representatives has adjourned for their Easter vacation of sultry and hedonistic pleasures. (How do you like them new assless chaps, Speaker Johnson?) And while the MAGA cultists will do their darndest to avoid establishing contact with the constituents they were elected to represent, Democratic members of Congress say they're champing at the bit to listen to The People in venues the other team is too chickenshit to enter. And you'll never guess what'll be front and center:
These "People's Town Halls," which will be held during Congress' two-week April recess that begins next week, comes as Democrats look to hammer Republicans and the White House and to reach out to voters over economic concerns and affordability. […] Democrats call them “constituents.” Republicans call them “The enemy.” "In both red and blue communities, people are sick and tired of Donald Trump and Elon Musk destroying the economy, threatening healthcare and Social Security, and making life worse for families," DNC chair Ken Martin said in a statement. The Democratic Party town halls during the recess are set to feature high-profile congressional figures—including [New Jersey Sen. Cory] Booker, Connecticut Sen. Chris Murphy, Arizona Rep. Greg Stanton and Florida Rep. Maxwell Frost, according to the DNC.
C&J urges our leaders to *please* watch their language at these events. Sometimes, embarrassingly, they go an entire town hall without cussing.
JEERS to cerebral hemorrhages. They suck. President Franklin Roosevelt died from one 80 years ago Tomorrow down in Warm Springs, Georgia. His private Secretary Grace Tully recounts what happened here. A snip:
The shock was unexpected and the actuality of the event was outside belief. The bed in Warm Springs, Georgia, where FDR died. Without a word or a glance toward the others present, I walked into the bedroom, leaned over and kissed the President lightly on the forehead. Then I walked out on the porch and stood wordless and tearless. In my heart were prayers and, finally, in my mind came thoughts, a flood of them drawn from seventeen years of acquaintance, close association and reverent admiration. Through them, one recurred constantly—that the Boss had always shunned emotionalism and that I must, for the immediate present at least, behave in his pattern. I did, for a matter of hours.
While FDR's generation got a rendezvous with destiny, ours got a rendezvous with a fuckup named Dubya and, eight years later, another fuckup named Dampnut, and we'll be paying for it the rest of our lives—thanks a lot, fate. Now comb your hair and go pay your respects. As always, regards to Eleanor.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to happy endings. 55 years ago this week, en route to the moon, Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell announced, "Houston, we've got a problem" after Richard Nixon used his Sith powers to cause an oxygen tank to explode. (Did too! Look it up.)
Just tell ‘em you’re on a diplomatic mission from Alderaan, Jim.
Through sheer brilliance on the part of NASA's team and the crew, they returned safely four days later. A "successful failure" is what they called that mission. Or as it's also known: a "day in the life of Fox & Friends."
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you adjust your rabbit ears just right, you’ll find a few things to hold your attention on the tube this weekend. Our picks tonight are the latest new dumps on MSNBC, a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! on The CW, a The Office marathon on Comedy Central, and you can join me at #allstartrek starting at 8 for live-skeeting on BlueSky of the original Star Trek classic Mirror, Mirror featuring “evil Spock.” (airing on the H&I network).
The windmill hole at The Masters, which is considered a highly-treacherous golf tournament because it causes noise cancer.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the Major League Baseball schedule is here. The Masters golf tournament airs all weekend on CBS, and as usual my money is on the ghost of Sam Snead to win it all. Or you can catch more World Figure Skating Championship action Sunday afternoon on NBC.
Jon Hamm hosts SNL on Saturday night, but not before ABC airs their annual test of America’s bladder capacity as it airs Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments from 7 until freaking 11:45.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: a report on Greenlanders’ warning for Trump and his delusions of conquest, and a profile of the “Savannah Bananas.” A blackmailer threatens Marge on The Simpsons, and Quagmire dates a librarian on Family Guy. And John Oliver slays another sacred cow before we say nighty-night Sunday on a new episode of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ); hedge fund weirdo Ray Dalio; dumbest guy working for the Dumbest Guy Peter Navarro. The Sunday morning hosts will be wearing their biggest gloves when they challenge the Trump stooges. This Week: Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA); the other dumbest guy working for the Dumbest Guy Howard Lutnick; whoever the hell Stephen A. Smith is. Face the Nation: Minneapolis Federal Reserve Bank President Neel Kashkari. CNN's State of the Union: Senator Elizabeth Warren; yet another dumbest guy working for the Dumbest Guy Kevin Hassett; Rep. Susan Wild (D-PA). Fox Fascism Sunday: Governor JB Pritzker (D-IL); Secretary of Destroying the Department of Agriculture Brooke Rollins; Senator James Lankford (Fascist-OK).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 11, 2015
CHEERS to the travelin' POTUS. Yesterday President Obama strapped on Jetpack One and blasted off for Jamaica. Here's his schedule, courtesy of The Obama Diary:
Today: The President will hold a bilateral meeting with Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller of Jamaica and participate in a meeting with Caribbean Community (CARICOM) leaders. He will also participate in a town hall with young leaders. President Obama with Usain Bolt in Jamaica. Y’know, back when we had a cool president. Friday: The President will hold a bilateral meeting with Panamanian President Juan Carlos Varela and participate in the Summit of the Americas CEO Forum. In the evening the President will attend the Summit of the Americas Opening Ceremonies. Saturday: The President will attend official Summit of the Americas events.
Also on his agenda, from what I understand: a Saturday meeting with Raul Castro. Both agreed it was very important to meet face to face so as to resolve important questions, such as "How do we thaw relations responsibly," "What kind of timetables can we realistically expect," and "Which Republican's head will pop off his body first when he sees us shaking hands?"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Self-evident Truths—Part 308 in our 33,975-part series. There's simply no argument on this one: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. And tomorrow tonight you're gonna get an eyeful. Yes, it's a rare "Apocalyptic Jazz-Hands Pink Micromoon” moon, and we hope you're prepared to be dazzled:
Step outside on Saturday, April 12, to witness April’s full Pink Moon. This Paschal Moon marks the first full Moon of spring and is used to determine the date of Easter. This month also brings a micromoon. The full Moon on April 12, 2025, occurs just before reaching apogee, which happens on April 13, 2025, at 6:49 p.m. EDT. Apogee refers to the point when the Moon is farthest from Earth. When the full Moon occurs near this point, it’s classified as a “micromoon”—the opposite of a supermoon. While the name “Pink Moon” might suggest a rosy-colored Moon, the reality is a bit less magical. The name comes from the early spring bloom of a wildflower native to eastern North America: Phlox subulata, commonly known as creeping phlox or moss phlox. This flower, often called “moss pink,” was in full bloom around April’s full Moon.
Usual full-moon drill: if skies are clear, get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins (Buzz Aldrin, thankfully, is still with us), along with our other departed space pioneers, and give ‘em a wink. (Or, if you’re a werewolf, an “Arooooooooo!!!”)
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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