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Supreme Court green lights Trumps plan to reinstate Prima Nocta. (Satire.) [1]
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Date: 2025-04-06
The Supreme Court this week sided with the Trump administration in a 6-3 decision that Article 2 grants the president the right of Prima Nocta ( jus primae noctis.) It is noteworthy that Justice Barrett joined Kagan and Sotomayor in a tersely written dissent.
Writing for the majority, Clarence Thomas cited eleventh century English law as the controlling precedent. The ruling affirms the right of the president to be the first to have sex with a new bride on her wedding night. Court watchers see this as furthering the creation of a Unitary Executive.
Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt waived off concerns from mostly women reporters stating only that she would have been proud and honoured to lose her virginity to the dear leader, instead of to some dopey kid at bible camp.
The case arose after Trump crashed a wedding at his Bedminster Country Club and was taken by the brides beauty. The groom who is currently in El Salvador on an extended vacation, could not be reached for comment.
In other news, the president issued an executive order affirming his right to steal your lunch money, and that failure to comply with the demand could land you in an empty locker.
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