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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2025-03-28
Late Night Snark: Boost That Signal Edition
“So to recap: the Secretary of Defense posted, on a publicly available app, specific war plans which were then seen by a reporter who was accidentally on the thread. It’s a phenomenon previously known as ‘brother of the bride on the bachelor party text chain.' “This scandal won’t be going anywhere any time soon because Mike Waltz has made a key strategic error: being an idiot everywhere at all times.” —Stephen Colbert “Back in my day, if you were a journalist who wanted leaked war documents, you'd work the sources, meet them in a dark garage, earn their trust, pound the pavement. Now you just wait for the national security adviser to be distracted by White Lotus while he's setting up his ‘Bomb Yemen’ group chat.” —Jon Stewart —The Daily Show “That’s right. Foreign adversaries could be watching whatever Pete Hegseth types into his phone. Like: BAR NEAR ME...or HOW TO FOOL A BREATHALYZER...or HOW TO UN-CRASH A CAR.” —The Daily Show's Ronny Chieng “Pete Hegseth and Mike Waltz have said and done so many stupid things this week, Trump might have to start calling them Eric and Don Jr.” —Jimmy Kimmel “Remember the good old days when people in France would be rude to Americans just for fun? Who knew we would long for the days when the worst thing people would say about us was that we were tacky and loud? Now if I go to Paris and somebody insults my outfit, I’m gonna be like, ‘Oh my God, thank you so much for not calling me a fascist.'” —After Midnight host Taylor Tomlinson "It's an honor to be here at the Kennedy Center. Or as it will be known next week: the Roy Cohn Pavilion for Big, Strong Men Who Love Cats.'" —John Mulaney during presentation of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor to Conan O'Brien, on Trump's comment that he wants Cats to come to the Kennedy Center
And a special throwback for Secretary Hegseth, courtesy of 30 Rock…
Liz: I'm feelin' pretty drunk. Jack: That's okay. It's business drunk. It's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive."
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 28, 2025
Note: If you enjoy reading tonight’s column, please be kind and hit the recommend button, the tip jar button, the subscribe button, the unleash the kraken button, the release the hounds button, the coin return button, the elevator button, the flight-attendant call button, the panic button, and the I’ve fallen and I can’t get up button. Plus all the other buttons. Thank you. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the Wisconsin Supreme Court election with liberal Judge Susan Crawford facing MAGA cultist and Elon Musk fanboy Brad Schimel: 4
Days 'til the start of San Francisco's SF Spring Restaurant Week: 7
Year-over-year percent increase in lumber prices, the highest since the pandemic: 15%
Increase in copper prices this year, including hitting a record high $5.37 per pound Wednesday: 30%
Drop in Tesla's share price Wednesday, because of collapsing European sales: 6%
Length of time a pilot and his two daughters survived, before being rescued, on the wing of a plane after it crashed and was partially submerged in Alaska's Lake Tustumena: 12 hours
Babe Ruth's highest salary (1931-32): $80,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Watching spring unfold…
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CHEERS to tonight's weekly recap. If you're just joining us here on Planet Earth, let's take a moment to get you up to speed on this week's big events here on the big blue marble:
Signalgate The heads of our national security apparatus got together in the equivalent of an online bar and started blabbing about a top-secret military operation at the top of their lungs in front of a respected journalist. As Democrats in Congress demanded those heads on a platter, the Commander-in-Chief who hired those heads a) denied any knowledge of it, b) insisted it was all done perfectly, c) shot the messenger, d) threw ketchup at the wall, e) said there was no way in hell any of his "I only hire the best people" people would get fired over it, and f) prepared to fire someone over it. The Kremlin's laughter could be heard from all the ficus plants inside the West Wing. Yes. We still have 197 weeks to go. Immigration As roving gangs of masked ICE employees whose salaries you pay continued grabbing random foreign-looking people off the streets and disappearing them in unmarked vans, a federal judge came out and said it plain: the methods of our immigration system under Trump are literally worse than our treatment of Nazis during World War II under the Alien Enemies Act. In what must be a total coincidence, no one has seen that judge for three four days. International Roundup The rest of the world would appreciate it if the United States would kindly shut up, sit down, and fuck right off. (But by all means keep spilling secrets on unsecured phones and apps—they love that part.) The Arts The first event of the new Trump-controlled Kennedy Center was announced Wednesday: Ted Nugent will use a machine gun to shoot excerpts of The Art of the Deal into the side of the building while singing songs about schtupping underage girls. Tickets go on sale Tuesday, and according to the latest signed executive order from the Oval Office every American is required to purchase one. As a bonus, you’ll get a free 8 x 10 photo from a 1992 photo shoot of the First Lady tastefully going down on the Easter Bunny.
Other than that? All quiet.
JEERS to having a quack at the helm. Heyyyyyyyyy!!! Let's check in with our illustrious director of Health and Human Services and marvel at his brilliant idea of controlling measles with cod liver oil. I'm sure it's all cleared up by now. Then again…
Kansas health officials have confirmed 23 measles cases, marking an outbreak for the state as infections in at least 17 states have led to the most cases in the U.S. in a single year since 2019. HHS has also invested $29 billion in antique croquet mallets people can use to squish random measles viruses they see resting on interior home surfaces. Elon Musk has deemed this expenditure “Totally necessary.” The Kansas outbreak is spread across 6 southwest counties, the state's Department of Health and Environment said Wednesday. The majority of cases, 20, are individuals who were not vaccinated against the infection. Fifteen cases are in school-aged children, between ages 5 and 17, six patients are 4 years old or younger and two are over 18, officials said. Earlier this month, a person with a confirmed measles infection may have exposed Amtrak passengers on a train to Washington, D.C., according to officials at the D.C. Department of Health.
In response to the growing health crisis, RFK Jr. says he'll take immediate action and switch his recommendation to apple cider vinegar suppositories. (upgrading to horny goat weed for the really stubborn cases.)
JEERS to taking your non-existent relationship too far.
I remember that day like it was yesterday.
Forty-three years ago Sunday, on March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan, along with Press Secretary James Brady, police officer Thomas Delahanty and Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy, got shot by some whackjob (now a free man at 69) who wanted to present a dead-president-skin rug to Jodie Foster as a wedding gift. At first they didn’t think Reagan's wound was serious, but something about losing half his blood prompted a diversion to George Washington Medical Center. The rest ("Honey, I forgot to duck," "I hope you're all Republicans") is history. By the way, anyone care to take a guess as to what group the president from the now-union-hating party was lavishing praise on at the Washington Hilton that day? The AFL-CIO. Don’t that just boggle the mind.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x It’s Friday… And on Fridays we dance 💃🕺 🎥world_dance_academy — Jessi 💫 (@jessigrace.bsky.social) 2025-03-28T12:56:59.540Z
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the United States Senate. Wow...they finally stood up and nailed the President for overstepping his authority, and he was pissed. Sure, the move is a symbolic "slap on the wrist," but he needed it. So mark this date in your history books: March 28, 1834. The day Andrew Jackson got his old hickory ass censured. We hope he learned his lesson and won’t do it again.
NCAA hoops action continues this weekend, and all my money’s on the Nutterville Dunkers.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The Friday news dumps get unpacked by Chris, Rachel and the MSNBC crew. there’s a new Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW. Belarusian opposition leader Svetlana Tsikhanouskaya and activist Katya Snytsina are guests on Firing Line (PBS) at 8:30.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and hooray we can add the Major League Baseball schedule back again. CBS is carrying the Men’s NCAA tournament all weekend and ESPN the women’s games. And the World Figure Skating Championships—live from Boston’s TD Garden—air on NBC tonight and tomorrow night at 8. Mikey Madison hosts SNL.
On 60 Minutes: A report on Radio Free Europe’s lawsuit over funding cuts. Homer finally pushes Flanders too far on The Simpsons, and Brian and Stewie become chiropractors on Family Guy (Fox). And after a new White Lotus and a new Righteous Gemstones Sunday night on HBO, John Oliver hosts a new episode of Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Man of the Moment Jeffrey Goldberg of The Atlantic; Senators Michael Bennett (D-CO) and Fuckface Mullin (America Killer-OK). A better idea for Sunday morning. This Week: Senator Mark Warner (D-VA); Rep. Fuckface Turner (America Killer-OH); Former NATO Supreme Allied Commander Adm. James Stadrivis. Oh, and Chris Christie will tag along because he’s sooooo helpful. Face the Nation: Senator Mark Warner (D-VA); UAW president Shawn Fain. CNN's State of the Union: Governor Wes Moore (D-MD); Senator Fuckface Lankford (America Killer-OK). Fox Fascism Sunday: A bunch of American-killing Nazis. Fuck ‘em.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 28, 2015
CHEERS to the Boy Wonder's last huzzah. Disgraced outgoing Congressman Aaron Schock gave his farewell address on the House floor yesterday. He says he's going to miss providing tax cuts to the rich, dismantling Social Security and Medicare, and saying goodbye to that beautiful, beautiful office is gonna be tough. He's also going to miss the dedication of his staff in helping constituents deal with the benefit cuts he voted for, the crumbling infrastructure whose repair he voted against, and the health issues he voted to make worse. (Not to mention all the jets, junkets and joyrides—seriously, he did not mention them.) Then he compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, recited a perfunctory Bible quote, and promised to stay in touch with all his friends in Washington. I believe their names are Fido and Kitty.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: Prediction Man! I wish to point out that four years ago this Sunday I linked to this story about President Biden's “groundbreaking” commitment to putting forth a diverse slate of super-qualified judicial nominees to counter his predecessor’s four-year campaign of throwing super-unqualified mostly white men onto various federal benches. In four years Joe got a whopping 235 judges confirmed, the majority of them women and over half of them minorities. I also posted a photo and a caption, and we're posting it here four years later, as it originally appeared, to prove yet again that my technologically-advanced prediction powers are downright scary…
Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Our next Supreme Court justice?
[Shakes Magic 8 Ball]
Maybe!
Am I a total genius for calling it? I’ll defer to my higher authority...
[Shakes Magic 8 Ball]
"You're An Old Man Who Yells At Squirrels. Don't Push Your Luck, Gramps."
I'll take that as a yes.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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[END]
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