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Oops, Team Trump texted me its top-secret Social Security War Plan [1]
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Date: 2025-03-26
We live in very strange times, my friends.
Yesterday, I was just sitting here by the woodstove reading Jeffrey Goldberg’s wild story in The Atlantic (“The Trump Administration Accidentally Texted Me Its War Plans”), when I received a most unusual text message.
Turns out it was from Leland Dudek, acting Social Security commish, inviting me to join a group chat on Signal.
WTF?!
When I jumped on the call, I was stunned. The other participants included not only Dudek, Hegseth, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem and Vice President J.D. Vance, but Donald Trump and Elon Musk themselves! Also Freddie, a tech-savvy eighth-grader from Sioux Falls, Iowa.
It was all Freddie and I could do to keep quiet as we listened to a robust discussion of the Trump Administration’s “Social Security War Plan.”
Here is my exclusive transcript of the chat.
Musk: OK, as you all know, Social Security is the biggest Ponzi scheme of all time. Plus, we need that money for our trillion-dollar tax breaks. So we have to shut it down, with military strikes if necessary.
Hegseth: I don’t know, man. Deploying our military against 50 million elderly people might not go over too well in the media.
Trump: Get with the program, Pete. We’re obviously eradicating the fake news too. Hasn’t your team briefed you on Operation Enemy of the People?
Vance: Yeah. Pay attention, Pete. We’re gonna need your best SEAL teams on standby for when we hit the Times, the Journal and all those radical leftist TV news outlets.
Musk: Correct. But let’s get back to Social Security, shall we? We’ve already ransacked their computer systems, stolen everyone’s personal data, cut their phone lines, DOGE’d thousands of workers and begun closing field offices.
Dudek: Yes. And when that lady judge issued the restraining order blocking Elon’s team, I told her that would force me to shut the whole thing down. You know, just “turn it off.”
Musk: Thanks, Dude. We are also swaying public opinion with our narrative about millions of dead people and 150-year-olds receiving benefits. But I think people are catching on to the truth about what we’re up to, so we definitely need military action to seal the deal.
Hegseth: I guess so. I just want to make sure the president isn’t concerned about blowback from the base when those checks stop coming after our bombing raids.
Trump: Huh? Did everybody see that horrible portrait of me in Colorado? Kristi, would you please send that Trump-hating artist to Guantanamo or El Salvador or wherever.
Noem: Great idea! Your wish is my command, boss. But I was also thinking that a simple Second Amendment solution might be more fun!
Trump: Oh, that’s Kristi for you. She loves shooting things almost as much as Don Jr. And what a beauty!
Hey, I’ve got an important question for our VP.
Vance: I’m right here, Mr. President!
Trump: Not you, dummy. Where’s Vladimir?
Musk: Sorry, Donald. Mr. Putin couldn’t make today’s call. He’s busy taking care of that ungrateful Zelenskyy jerk for us.
OK, time to wrap this up. I’ve gotta get back to Tesla HQ. I’m welding giant chainsaws onto a limited-edition Cybertruck to own the libs.
So we’re all in agreement, right? Social Security gets nuked.
Vance: 💪🔥🔥👊
Hegseth: 💥💣💥
Noem: ❤️🧨 🙏
Dudek: 🇺🇸💰🇺🇸
Trump: 🍔
[END]
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