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On Toxic Masculinity [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-03-24
Several weeks ago there was a diary on DK by Oliver Willis that piqued the interest of many readers. Exploring the MAGA model of masculinity, it was focused primarily upon the implications for military effectiveness when scaled up to the national defense level, posing challenging questions about the true efficacy of a national security policy based on a posture of aggression, bellicosity, confrontation, and overwhelming force i.e. hard power (traditionally male qualities)...as opposed to one based on diversity, intelligence, strategic planning, collaboration, and diplomacy, i.e. soft power (traditionally female qualities):
Why conservatives are obsessed with phony masculinity:
www.dailykos.com/…
Though the Willis piece was essentially macro in scope, it stimulated a broader discussion in the comments section of masculinity at a more everyday, micro level — and particularly of the toxic form of masculinity advocated by the likes of serial abusers Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump, i.e. machismo. There was broad agreement among a number of commenters that MAGA machismo is destructive in a number of ways, resulting in abuse of women, abuse of children, and general relationship dysfunction and failure. One commenter referred to it as “clown show” manliness, and “ridiculous”...and I agree.
I have a number of my own thoughts about what it means to be a man, that I would like to share now.
Caveat: As a straight, cisgender man, I freely concede that I have a distinct point of view, and probably an inherent bias. There’s only so much I can do to get outside of myself and compensate for that. Therefore, I leave it to the reader to take the following remarks with a grain of salt — to whatever extent he/she feels the need to do so.
I can recall having a frank inner dialogue at age 17, about what kind of man I wanted to be when I grew up; whether I would become a “tough guy” who simply takes what he wants and tries to bend others to his will...or whether I would strive to follow a more enlightened path of inner strength and self-discipline, in service to higher principles larger than myself, and in harmony with society at large. I made a conscious decision at that time to take the latter course...and I remain very much at peace with that decision. But I might have turned out differently...or at least it might have been much more difficult for me to choose as I did — had I not been given the space to become my own man, i.e. if my father had been much more domineering...and my mother much more submissive.
Many young men and boys have not been so fortunate. They’ve been deprived of a healthy model of enlightened masculinity, and have been more or less pressured into adopting the culturally dominant macho value structure. I have seen the results of such dysfunction manifested within my own family. I have two male cousins in particular who were raised by a deeply troubled father (my uncle) who abused them, physically as well as emotionally. As a result, neither one has developed in an entirely healthy way, and as grown men, now well into their 40s, they still have trouble ridding themselves of the “tough guy” mindset, and demonstrating sensitivity and empathy toward others. The victims have become carriers.
I believe there is a crying need for more positive models of masculinity for young men and boys, particularly in red-state America. An entire generation of them is growing up under the burden of the “macho mystique” (though in realty this has already been the case for many generations), with the expectation that in order to become a “real man”, they must learn to suppress their feelings, ignore pain and discomfort, indiscriminately submit themselves to authoritarian influence, and remain emotionally distant from the females in their lives. This has substantial, negative implications for American politics (i.e. the rise of the cult of MAGA), and ultimately, for public policy — as exemplified by the predatory, knucklehead machismo of men like Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump, who are seriously exacerbating the problem — and definitely not alleviating it. (Ironically, Donald Trump is nothing but a pampered cream puff, and is nothing like the tough guy he portrays himself to be.)
One very constructive, and inspirational, model of healthy masculinity is to be found in Taoism (en.wikipedia.org/...), which teaches that not only must men not seek to dominate women, and that women need not be submissive to men (as with Fundamentalist Christianity for example), but that masculinity and femininity are two halves of the very same whole, and are in fact equal, complementary, and interdependent upon one another. According to Taoism, all qualities are characterized as being of either the feminine energy (Yin) or the masculine energy (Yang), and together comprise the entirety of all being, The Tao. Some examples:
Yin: intuitive Yang: rational
Yin: emotional Yang: intellectual
Yin: subjective Yang: objective
Yin: qualitative Yang: quantitative
Yin: non-linear Yang: linear
Of course these are all just abstractions, as every individual is in reality a complex and unique blend of Yin qualities as well as Yang qualities, regardless of one’s particular gender. It gets deep, and I am by no means an expert on any of it. But I can recognize truth when I see it, and I can perceive the enlightened nature of gender relations implicit in Taoism — as well as its connection to a much larger cosmic system — as something from which contemporary Western society, especially American society, can learn much.
The point is that an evolved, enlightened human being is one who recognizes and appreciates the value of traditionally feminine qualities as well as traditionally masculine qualities, and seeks to integrate them all into his/her psyche. It is the feminine traits that exist within a man which allow him to relate to women, just as it is the masculine traits that exist within a woman which allow her to relate to men. Strength, power — and even aggression — all have their legitimate place (such as during time of war)...as long as they 1) are balanced by more civilized considerations, 2) are deployed in service to a greater virtue, and 3) are not exercised as a means to nothing more than mere self-gratification. When a man gives in to his impulse to dominate, control and conquer, he cuts himself off from the inner feminine wisdom of nurture, compassion and empathy...that would otherwise ameliorate some of his worst excesses. At an interpersonal level, the results can be tragic enough. Scaled up to the national or international level? That’s how monsters are born. That’s how atrocities are committed. And in the particular case of Trump and Hegseth? That’s how rapists are created.
Final caveat: LGBTQ+ folks? This is where the picture becomes very murky for me. I’ve got nothing for you, because I frankly don’t understand and I don’t pretend to. Sorry I couldn’t be more constructive.
MM
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[1] Url:
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2025/3/24/2306105/-On-Toxic-Masculinity?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=more_community&pm_medium=web
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