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Orange Man Worse Than Ever [1]

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Date: 2025-03-14

So, the Offal in the Oval wants to send troops to Greenland. I wonder if we shouldn’t let him. Given his recent success rate, we’d wind up a Danish protectorate inside a week. On the other hand, a war of aggression under our current commander in chief runs the risk of the “launching nukes without realizing Elon fired the guy in charge of opening the silo doors” scenario.

Safe to say, the honeymoon is over. Indeed, the honeymoon suite has burned down, and the ground beneath it has been salted, as the Dotard faces his worst-ever economic approval ratings.

Now, obviously, no President wants to see numbers like that, but when your whole dang cult of personality is held together with government cheese and your ever-dwindling residual reputation for business acumen from a stint hosting a game show, well, suddenly you’re pitching Bezos a buddy reality comedy where you and Bashar al-Assad split a duplex in exile on the outskirts of some ritzy Moscow suburb.

I think the big takeaway here is before you start a trade war, make sure you understand what tariffs are, and how they work. Cuz when you don’t, it's sorta like entering WWI on the presumption that mustard gas is good for you. So now the stock market’s hacking and spasming, and sure, you could pass out gas masks at any time, but that would entail admitting you were wrong, so bring on the “correction,” I guess.

Meanwhile, our would-be oligarch overlords are furious, because none of their bullshit works without a booming, inherited economy to coast on and take credit for. Look at Sean Hannity, impotently chastising a disobedient stock market, while Laura Ingraham orders her audience to simply ignore their disappearing 401(k)s. Tom Petty-defiling Fox bleating head Lara Trump insists us plebs “ought to be kissing the feet of Elon Musk and Donald Trump,” which strikes me as a good way to get real, real sick.

Good luck with that, dorks. Karoline Leavitt can stamp her feet and scream TARIFFS DO WHAT DADDY SAYS THEY DO until she’s blue in the face…but they don’t. And they never will.

Incidentally, this self-inflicted economic debacle is brought to you by Crazy Donnie’s New & Used Rolling Deathtraps! And if you find the spectacle of the President of the United States shilling cars at the White House a trifle undignified, know that he was well compensated: Elon pledged to pour an additional $100 million into the MAGA grift trough, starting with more than $10 million to buy a Wisconsin Supreme Court seat for the pathologically unimpressive Brad Schimel.

(This seems like a good spot to mention that there’s no better way to say “fuck plutocracy” than by donating to Susan Crawford’s campaign. Losing a SCOTUS majority in a critical battleground state is probably not the best idea right now.)

Still, all the emerald money in the world can’t buy love, especially when you’re responsible for firing more veterans than anyone in American history. Musk is actually even less popular than his pet presidential puppet, though I must caution, current polling does not yet reflect his efforts to blame Hitler’s atrocities on “public sector employees.”

Poor Elon is having a hard time wrapping his Ketamine-addled mind around the fact that he didn’t purchase the entire United States government, just one particularly subservient political party. I mean, he called Mark Kelly a “traitor,” and not one single stormtrooper battered down the Senator’s door, what’s up with that?

Not only are pesky journalists constantly debunking the lies behind DOGE’s famous “wall of receipts,” but now the federal judiciary says his unaccountable incel brigade must comply with Freedom of Information Act requests. And now he has to un-fire all those workers? It’s South Africa all over again!

I wonder if it was “Big Balls,” or the “normalize Indian hate” kid who decided to stop feeding the TSA’s bomb-sniffing dogs? Are these kids the ones gutting the nation’s scientific research capacity, or have we eliminated the middleman, and allowed the CCP to make those calls directly? It’d certainly be…efficient.

A federal judge blocked Off-Brand Orbán’s blatantly unconstitutional attack on the law firm Perkins Coie, and so, seeking consolation, he took another feeble swipe at his least favorite amendment: the first one. At the very Department of Justice, he proclaimed CNN and “MSNDC” (HAW HAW HAW GET IT) illegal, for the high crime of Accurately Reporting How Tariffs Work, but hopefully Pam Bondi’s new duties as Tesla’s head of security will keep her too busy to pursue things any further.

Yes, even with a “free speech absolutist” pulling the strings, the First Amendment is under assault in America today. Why, it’s getting so’s a sex trafficker can’t even monetize a podcast about “pimping hoes” anymore.

Speaking of power grabs, first they came for the dipshit college kid who praised the abominable crimes of October 7th, and even though I think said kid is an absolute dirtbag, I yelled my damn head off, because I for one am willing to learn lessons from poems. (If you happen to run into that fellow from Nantucket, tell him I’m looking for him.)

Seems like just last week when our treacherous administration disabled a loyal ally’s American-made weapons right smack dab in the middle of a shooting war…probably because it was. Anyhoo, now NATO ally Portugal is reconsidering a large purchase of F-35s, just in case you thought the tariffs were the only way Donnie Dumbfuck was screwing American companies over.

So, turns out one of President Rapist’s “spiritual advisers” is a child molester. Dude named Robert Morris. Remember when that would’ve been headline news? For a week, at least? Once upon a time, reporters would’ve dogged a politicians’ steps for the rest of his fucking days, demanding he denounce and re-denounce and re-re-denounce his PEDOPHILE SPIRITUAL ADVISER; nowadays we get Marjorie Taylor Greene’s boyfriend (incidentally…ew) cracking Rosie O’Donnell jokes while the world burns.

At the United Nations, Donald Trump’s Amerikkka was the lone dissenting vote against a resolution proclaiming an International Day of Hope, on the grounds that it “contains references to diversity, equity and inclusion,” because hope is just for white people now, silly rabbit.

I see Linda McMahon lacks a rudimentary understanding of the Department of Education’s most basic functions, (they must not cover the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act in wrestling promoter school) though I suppose you don’t strictly need to know how to read to burn down a library. I imagine it helps not to.

The lying lamestream media wanted you to think Kash Patel would weaponize the FBI against Republicans’ political enemies, but just days into his tenure, he’s already broken up the notorious “Habitat for Humanity” cartel, as part of a wider crackdown on EPA grant recipients.

Health and Human Services Secretary/ Steak ‘n Shake spokesdolt RFK Jr. says sure, the measles outbreak that’s already killed an unvaccinated child is still spreading, but don’t worry, it’s nothing a little a rotting whale head juice from the family vineyard can’t fix.

Proposed CDC Director David Weldon and DNI Deputy Director Daniel Davis joined the impossibly ignominious Too Shitty to Serve in the Trump Administration Club. They have been exiled to Matt Gaetz’s beachfront trailer in the Florida panhandle, where they will be made to knife-fight to the death over a single post in his burgeoning methamphetamine distribution empire.

You might chuckle at headlines declaring, “Steve Bannon won’t rule out a Presidential bid,” but if the current administration’s plan to repeal and replace birthright citizenship with Paul Gosar’s bill enfranchising a variety of indigenous slime molds goes through, the Electoral College math shifts in a hurry.

Putin, in contrast, appears to be in no hurry to accept a proffered ceasefire, saying he needs a little time to come up with some new demands, since the Shart of the Deal gave him everything he asked for before even sitting down at the table.

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