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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2025-03-14
Late Night Snark: March Madness Edition
“Immigration agents arrested a legal permanent resident with a green card who is married to an American citizen without even charging him with a crime. Meanwhile, a guy who was actually convicted of 34 felony counts is currently palling around in a Tesla on the White House lawn.” —Seth Meyers "President Trump addressed a joint session of Congress and claimed that no president has changed government faster than him. Yeah, and nobody has changed airport security faster than bin Laden." —Michael Che, SNL “Here’s a math problem: if the Department of Education has 4,000 employees and the president cuts fifty percent of the workforce, how many edibles do I need to get through the next four years?” —Jimmy Kimmel x Get in loser, we're tanking the economy — The Daily Show (@thedailyshow.com) 2025-03-11T21:08:25.697Z - “Kash Patel is the FBI director now. … He is one of Trump’s most controversial appointments. Which is really saying something, because I think he made the Secretary of Transportation a wiener dog sitting in a fancy purse.” —After Midnight’s Taylor Tomlinson “Over the past few weeks, the billionaires who attended Trump’s inauguration have lost a combined 209 billion dollars. Yeah—it’s been a wild time. Elon Musk lost $150 billion. Jeff Bezos lost $29 billion. And Mark Zuckerberg lost his mind.” —Jimmy Fallon “In the first Trump term, it took a disease to destroy the economy. This time, he is the disease.” —Stephen Colbert "A fired Starbucks manager is suing the company, claiming he faced egregious discrimination from gay co-workers for being heterosexual…while his gay co-workers said he should sue Old Navy for selling him those frumpy–ass chinos." —Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 14, 2025
Note: Prepare yourself for the coming Billypocalypse: I regret to inform you that there will be no C&J Monday as we will be stuck in a bar with a priest, a minister and a rabbi. Back Tuesday with the hilarious punchline, assuming I manage to make bail.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 10
Days 'til the California Artisan Cheese Festival in Santa Rosa: 7
Percent of American adults polled by CNN who disapprove of President Very Bad Man's (VBM's) economic policies, higher than at any time during his first term: 56%
Current approval rating of Queen Elon and Piss Boy Vance, respectively, in the same poll: 35%, 33%
Current inflation rate, according to the latest numbers: 2.8%
Minimum number of measles cases in West Texas, up from 1: 223 229 235 242 250
Number of sugar houses that'll be open to the public for the 42nd Maine Maple Sunday on March 22 and 23: 111
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Puppy Pic of the Day: When mop heads come to life…
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CHEERS to brevity. As we head into a delightful and idyllic March weekend on the pale blue dot we call home, here's a convenient summary of what the United States government did this week in villages, towns, cities, states, provinces, prefectures, regions, countries, oceans, forests, retirement accounts and health care establishments around the world:
Cheers and Jeers: the shortest distance between the news you need to know and the liquor cabinet you need to unlock.
JEERS to no-win situations. As I see it—and I assume I’m seeing it wrongly—we have two entities at the moment that can do anything to slow down the ghost of Hitler’s hostile takeover of the United States of America: Democratic governors and the federal courts. That’s it. We are fucked until the 2026 midterms...our next chance to secure at least one arm of the Congress and finally get some leverage back. But until then, the MAGA-controlled Congress, Chuck Schumer and all, is worse than worthless. It might as well be non-existent. Our real masters for now are the acne-scarred nincompoops who make up DOGE, and the gargantuan right-wing/corporate media empire telling us we’re all bad people to resist the affection being bestowed on us by kindly Emperor Kim Jong Don. So now that you’ve made me expend all that energy explaining that today’s Senate vote was going to be a steaming pile of dung no matter what happened, I will ask you again: would you prefer soup or salad with your Prozac? (Sorry, I ate all the coleslaw.)
CHEERS to going crazy irrational!!! Let's hear it for secular holidays—Yaaay!!! Today is 3/14, and at 1:59 this afternoon the world erupted in slide-rule giddyness for Pi Day. Jet Propulsion Laboratory geeks speak, you listen:
Fred Calef, a geospatial information scientist at JPL, uses pi to make measurements—like perimeter, area and volume—of features on Mars. Really, mom? Only 14 digits? Grandma did 90. “I use pi to measure the circularity of features, or how round or compact they are," said Calef. "Craters become more elliptical if the projectile hits the surface at a lower angle, so I use pi to measure how round a crater is to see if it impacted at a low angle.” "We use pi every day commanding rovers on Mars," said Hallie Gengl, a rover planner for the Mars Exploration Rover Opportunity, "Everything from taking images, turning the wheels, driving around, operating the robotic arm, and even talking to Earth."
I admit I got mostly Cs and Ds in math, so I think I'll stick with regular pie tonight, thanks. Humble. With 3.141592653 scoops of ice cream.
P.S. Happy birthday to pi fan Albert Einstein. He once said, "He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice." Wild guess: not a MAGA cult fan.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to Ol' Shortstuff. Happy 274th birthday Sunday to "Father of the Constitution" James Madison—at 5-foot-4 our president (1809-1817) with the lowest center of gravity and our next-to-last Founding Father to occupy the White House (Monroe ended the era after him). Frankly, it's amazing what he accomplished considering that he was one sick puppy:
James Madison was without a doubt the sickliest president in American history. Madison in his late 70s. Sick as a dog much of his life, but didn’t shuffle off his mortal coil until he was 85. The man's life reads like the index to a medical textbook. Influenza, rheumatism, hemorrhoids—you name it, he had it. He suffered frequent bouts of illness from a young age and abstained from serving in the Continental Army during the Revolution on account of them. […] The location of the founded capital—Washington—didn’t help. The area's proximity to a swamp meant summers there could be infernally humid and plagued by fetid, unhealthy air. While unpleasant for most people, it was downright crippling for Madison, whose "bilious indispositions," as he called them, usually forced him to flee D.C. during the hot months. —From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien
And yet he lived to be one of our oldest ex-presidents, expiring in 1836 at the ripe old age of 85. Madison was also at the helm during the War of 1812, when The Star Spangled Banner was written. Pay your respects here. Preferably under the red glare of some sort of rocket-like projectile.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The latest Friday news dump gets unpacked by Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew. Or if you’ve had enough news for one day, there’s Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW. The guest on Firing Line this week (8:30, PBS) is author Lawrence Perelman, who has a new book out on William F. Buckley, Jr. Or you can join me on BlueSky (my home base is here) for live-skeeting at #allstartrek during the classic Star Trek episode Dagger of the Mind (H&I Network), during which Kirk gets his brain scrambled at a deep-space penal colony.
Thanks, Arizona.
The new movies (Steven Soderbergh’s espionage caper Black Bag opens today to rave reviews) and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and you'll find the NCAA women's and men's put-the-ball-through-the-basketball-ring tournament info here and here. And the PGA Player’s Championship, featuring the famous “island hole,” airs on NBC tomorrow and Sunday afternoon.
Sunday evening: 60 Minutes does a report on drone swarms over military installations and offers a profile of director Werner Herzog. On Fox’s Family Guy, Meg starts dating a, um, chicken. And following a new episode of White Lotus, at 11 John Oliver continues hammering away at American foolishness on a new edition of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Trump’s treasury stooge Scott Bessant; Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT); Steve Kornacki with new poll numbers. Rep. Crockett brings the fire Sunday. This Week: White House insecurity adviser Matt Waltz; economist Diane Swonk; Brown University School of Public Health director Dr. Ashish Jha. Face the Nation: Gov. Wes Moore (D-MD). CNN's State of the Union: Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-TX); Sen. Mike Rounds (Fascist-SD). Fox Fascism Sunday: Rep. Jake Auchincloss (D-MA); Sen. Bernie Moreno (Fascist-OH); Mike Waltz.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 14, 2015
CHEERS to evildoers running for their mamas. A couple positive developments on a pair of war fronts. An effective, if unusual, alliance of Iran and the United States is helping Iraq boot the pimple-faced ISIS nitwits from Tikrit and other cities. Some crowds are openly praising the teamwork of Sunni and Shia to get the job done. And in Niger a minimum of 500 Boko Haram (or, as GOP Congressman Paul Gosar calls them,"Boca Raton") terrorists are now discovering that "paradise" is nothing more than a hastily dug hole in the ground that'll be covered up and forgotten. Although we would add that some words will be spoken over their final resting place. I believe those words are "Buh bye."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the GREAT STATE OF MAINE!!! We told Massachusetts to kiss our hineys (well, the proclamation specifically says “kisseth our hineyeths”) 205 years ago tomorrow, after which we declared our independence and became America’s 23rd and most-envied state, though not under the best of circumstances:
Mainers had begun campaigning for statehood in the years following the Revolution. The Massachusetts legislature finally consented in 1819. What no one in either Massachusetts or Maine foresaw, however, was that Maine's quest for statehood would become entangled in the most divisive issue in American history—slavery. True fact: Maine coon cats can grow to be so big that sometimes people saddle them and go for rides in our majestic mountains or on our beautiful beaches. Most Mainers supported abolition. They were dismayed that their admission to the Union was linked to the admission of Missouri as a slave state. This controversial "Missouri Compromise" preserved—for a few more decades—the delicate balance between pro- and anti-slavery forces in the U.S. Congress.
We've got a lot going for us, if I do say so myself. We're governed by a liberal Democrat (the first woman guv in the Blaine House who in 2022 destroyed Trump clone Paul LePage in a landslide to win four more years, and then three years later uttered the immortal words “I’ll see you in court” to the real Trump’s face at the White House). We're the first state in the country to approve marriage equality by a citizen vote independent of the legislature, our scenery will lower your stress level in mere minutes, our lobster melts in your mouth, we're a national leader in voter turnout (and voting rights), we have a popular new national monument thanks to former President Obama, and our energy is getting greener by the day, as is our marijuana industry.
So, if it's okay with the rest of you in the lower 48, we'd like to stay attached to the republic for a little while longer. At least until Canada makes us a better offer. (At the moment our secret negotiations look promising.)
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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