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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2025-03-03

Just In Via Fax…

What I Done Last Week BULLET POINT 1 Fired people BULLET POINT 2 Rehired them BULLET POINT 3 Watched birth of my 547th child Orpglor026*6&767 on Zoom BULLET POINT 4 Re-Fired all the people who were fired and rehired BULLET POINT 5 Worked on stiffening up my Nazi salute SUMMARY (BONUS BULLET POINT 6) A great week! God, I LOVE this job. BULLET POINT WHERE MY NAME GOES DOGE Director Elon Musk P.S. (NOT TECHNICALLY A BULLET POINT, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN CALL IT ONE IF I WANT TO SO SHUT UP OR I’LL SUE YOU!) Gladys, once you've typed this summary up and faxed it, consider yourself fired.

And now, our feature presentation...

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, March 3, 2025

Note: Remember when the biggest crisis in our public school system was fidget spinners? Good times.

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By the Numbers:

4 days ‘til the Herb & Garden Show, including a seminar on proper lamination of your herb display signs.

Days 'til spring: 17

Days 'til the 35th Midwestern Herb & Garden Show in Mt. Vernon, Illinois: 4

Year-over-year increase in the Freddie Mac House Price Index: 3.9%

Number of the top 10 cities with the largest drops in home prices that are in Florida: 6

Years since Microsoft bought Skype for $8.5 billion: 14

Percent chance that Microsoft says Skype will be shutting down in May: 100%

Current size of the national egg-producing chicken flock, a level described as "critically low": 280 million

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Puppy Pic of the Day: This fella's cone of shame is well deserved…

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CHEERS to order in the court. Well, well, well. Lookie here. Apparently the Judicial Branch of our shithole country (circa 2025-???) isn’t taking much of a shine to our new fascist regime's policy of government-by-chainsaw:

A federal court ruled that the government’s human resources office unlawfully exceeded its authority by ordering agencies to fire thousands of probationary federal workers earlier this month. “Not on MY watch, bub...” Judge William Alsup’s ruling Thursday is a blow to the Trump administration’s attempt to slash the federal workforce as part of an effort to transform the executive branch in President Donald Trump’s image. It’s one of the first rulings to describe Trump’s attempts to grind down the federal workforce as illegal.

And just in case Judge Alsup's ruling was too technical for the MAGA wrecking balls to understand, here he makes it plain:

“The Office of Personnel Management does not have any authority whatsoever under any statute in the history of the universe to hire and fire employees at another agency,” Alsup said.

In response, a new executive order was issued demanding the universe to clean out its desk and turn in its ID badge within 30 minutes. (Good luck responding to that one, Judge.)

JEERS to today's Ukraine update. In the wake of last Friday’s Oval Office kerfuffle, after which the entire planet came down on Trump’s—aka Very Bad Man’s (VBM’s)—head over his utter lack of class and decorum towards ally Volodymyr Zelenskyy, we have the following to report: The Russkis are still invading Ukraine. The Ukrainians are putting up a muuuuuch more spirited fight than expected. The international community—minus North Korea, Iran, China, and the American MAGA party—is still outraged and continues penalizing and sabotaging the uncivilized, smelly Russki horde any way it can short of joining the actual fighting. That's today's Ukraine update. Join us tomorrow and every day for the next undetermined period of time when our Ukraine update will look pretty much exactly the same.

CHEERS to fun things a president can do as his country disintegrates during a Great Depression. On March 3, 1931, President Herbert Hoobert Heebert signed a measure making "The Star-Spangled Banner"—which our current president still doesn’t know the words to—our official national anthem. Hey, let's all sing the third stanza! And a-one and a-two...

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore, Fun fact: Francis Scott Key originally wrote ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ for solo alpine horn. That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion A home and a Country should leave us no more? Their blood has wash’d out their foul footstep’s pollution. No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight or the gloom of the grave, And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

On second thought, let's just stick with the first.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to rookie mistakes. Very Bad Man made a Very Bad Blunder Friday when he apparently (we haven't seen the paperwork yet) made "English" the official language of the great melting pot of cultures and languages known as—[Checks notes]—The United States:

The US president is also expected to scrap requirements that federal agencies provide language services to non-English speakers. The US has never had an official language in the nearly 250 years since the country was founded. No matter what language we adopt, this will always be a fact in this country. The order is intended to improve government efficiency and promote national unity, according to [lying] White House officials. Nearly 68 million of the country's 340 million residents speak a language other than English, according to the US Census Bureau, which includes more than 160 Native American tongues.

He's so stupid. Now we all have to walk around saying English things like, "Oh, 'ats a lovely plate o' kippers you got there, mum." And "Oh dear! It's tea time! I'll fetch the crumpets!" And "All you wankers 'avin a chinwag at the pub acting all bloody chuffed are giving me the collywobbles." Our official language isn’t “English” Mr. President. It’s “American.” And Bob’s your uncle. So get bent and sod off.

CHEERS to sparklers in…March??? Great question, thanks for asking! The answer is YES! Fact is, when you go outside on a clear night and let your eyes adjust, you'll see a whole universe above you. And what is this universe doing, you ask? Another great question! The elves at NASA—those who haven’t been fired yet by Elon Musk, anyway—always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at March’s sky-watching tips, including the upcoming lunar eclipse, and a chance to view shy Mercury:

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Now look up at the stars and smile real big. Then put your fingers in your nostrils, stick out your tongue, turn around and bare your tuchus. Just in case someone up there is watching, let’s give ‘em a good show.

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Ten years ago in C&J: March 3, 2015

JEERS to a speech that will live in infamy. In keeping with their tradition of ruining everything, Republicans have heaved two centuries of diplomatic protocol over the balcony by inviting Israeli neocon Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to give a speech to a joint session of Congress with a dual purpose: as a live advertisement for his reelection campaign that's going somewhat poorly, and derailing U.S. peace talks with Iran that are going somewhat goodly. We'll be told for the umpteenth time by Bibi that time has run out, the fuse is lit, the evildoers are evildoing, the smoking gun looks like a mushroom cloud, and ALUMINUM TUBES!!! So, basically, George W. Bush with better grammar and just as much credibility.

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And just one more…

CHEERS to strange holidays. I gotta "hand" it to whoever came up with this one. Today is What If Cats And Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day. I'm not supposed to do this, but because you’ve been such a great audience, I can let you in on a little—[whispers]—top secret intel:

Poker games would certainly be more interesting.

If cats and dogs had opposable thumbs, the world would be a better place. Yes, they'd wreck our kitchens with their constant culinary experimentation, but they'd also retrieve and bury all our weapons of mass destruction including guns and nukes and Trumps. How do I know this? I'm not at liberty to say—you'll have to ask the mad scientist across the street. (Speak loudly—she’s 134 and refuses to change the batteries in her Bel-Tone.)

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "The only way to overcome adversity is splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool. You can't sit by and mourn or simply regret. You simply have to splash hard to achieve what it takes to overcome adversity." —Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-D.C.)

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