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No Tortoises in Hare Sports! Executive Order from Chairman Meow [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-03-01
Great Leader Chairman Meow has used his powerful but tiny paws to sign an executive order prohibiting tortoises, turtles, and terrapins from competing in hare sports. The measure, called the “No Tortoises in Hares’ Sports Executive Order” is the fourth executive order targeting turtles so far this year.
“Tricky tortoises have waged an all-out campaign against fast, furry, special rabbits like Max Hare and replaced it with a militant reptilian ideology. With this executive order, the war on rabbit sports is over.”
When asked how big the issue of tortoises competing in rabbit sports really is, Chairman Meow cited statistics that there are, “at least 9 tricky tortoises competing amongst the 530,000 current athletes” in rabbit college adding, “my fuzzy math say this is like… one in seven!”
He then gave several other examples of what he described as, “tortoises who have stolen victories” from people in the past including Mario-nemesis, King Bowser, leader of the Koopa race.
TSD: How Tricky Turtles Can Change Gender!
Wise Teacher Meow then informed the shocked crowd that turtles’ gender is influenced by temperature during egg incubation in a process called, temperature-dependent sex determination (TSD) in which warmer temperatures produce female turtles and cooler temperatures produce mostly males.
“So, tricky tortoise just decide what sex they want to be depending on weather, like Demi Lovato? Only Ceiling Cat can decide gender!”
He then wondered aloud whether it’s “just a coincidence that shell rhymes with hell?”
Then, Chairman Meow announced his tremendous plan to defund the Marine Turtle Conservation Fund (MTCF), calling turtles, “dirty critters that carry salmonella!”
Lastly, he proclaimed, “From now on, rabbit sports will be only for rabbits!” whipping the crowd into a frenzy and cheers of, “Long live Chairman Meow!”
*Article first published by Feline Ministry of Truth on BelieveMeow.com
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