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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-02-21
Late Night Snark: 2015 Flashback
The late-nighters were on hiatus this week, so let’s set the wayback machine back a decade to a simpler time...before the giant orange meteor destroyed us:
"Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, 'He sure sounds presidentiary to me.'"
—Conan O'Brien Sarah Palin babbling at Freedom Summit in Iowa: So we can afford no retread or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo, another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, man, the middle-class and the Americans are really gettin' taken for a ride. Jon Stewart: Y'know, that's the kind of talk you normally hear right before the pharmacist says, "Ma'am, you've got to leave the Walgreens."
—The Daily Show The only wayback machine worth a damn. "Harper Lee announced that she will release a sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird, which was published in 1960. Apparently she releases a new book every time the measles comes back. … Of the 20 new measles cases reported this afternoon, 18 are linked to Disneyland. Wow. Small world."
—Seth Meyers "In Kansas, it was not legal for state employees to be fired or harassed because they were gay. Governor Brownback thought: 'I need to rectify that. I can get in trouble for firing or harassing a lesbian? This cannot stand!' And, it being Kansas, I guess Brownback clicked his heels three times and said, 'There's no place like homophobia.'"
—Jon Stewart "SkyMall is going out of business. SkyMall was the premier shopping destination for people who just drank four tiny bottles of Jim Beam."
—Jimmy Kimmel "The East Coast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m."
—Jimmy Fallon
Fun times.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 21, 2025
Note: I can’t wait ‘til King Donald and Emperor Elon find out I built the C&J kiddie pool out of gold bricks from Fort Knox with immigrant labor using solar-powered equipment while drag queens provided entertainment next to the vaccine tent and it was all paid for with the money my team of teenage “efficiency hackers” sucked out of the offshore accounts of specially-selected billionaires. I bet it’ll be a Kodak moment. —Rebel Billeh, MAGA’s Worst Nightmare
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til Mardi Gras: 11
Days 'til the San Diego Festival of Science and Engineering: 8
Trump job approval among Republicans, Independents, and Democrats, respectively, in the latest Gallup poll: 93%, 37%, 4%
Approval of Trump's handling of the economy among the three groups: 90%, 31%, 5%
Current inflation rate, an unexpected increase as a direct result of Trump's failed monarchy: 3%
Chance of the "city killer" asteroid hitting Earth in 2032, up from 1% last month as a direct result of Trump's failed monarchy: 3%
Percent of the lyrics in The Beatles’ Hey Jude that are, respectively, “na’s” and “Jude’s”: 46%, 9%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: I'm sure the other 87 will be along shortly…
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JEERS to this week's corrections from DOGE. Now look, people, I'm getting tired of you bashing those poor acne-scarred, never-gonna-get-laid teenagers rooting out waste in the federal government under the watchful eye of Sauron Musk. They're trying their hardest to "efficiency the shit outta this place," and when you're working on a project that big there are going to be the occasional glitches. So, in the interest of transparency, DOGE has the following minor corrections to report:
● The $600 billion we thought we'd found was actually $600, and that was our own bulk purchase of Doritos and Mountain Dew. ● Dismantling the Department of Inspecting Brakes on Wheelchairs because Kyle thought it sounded stupid was, in hindsight, a poor decision. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of the sudden nationwide epidemic of incline- and cliff-related accidents among the dudes and dudettes in them chairs. But I think we can all agree: Kyle is such a dork. ● Oh, before we forget: the same applies to the Department of Inspecting Defibrillators in Ambulances. Yeah—Kyle again. ● Replacing the stewards of our nuclear missiles with temps from Manpower may have been a hasty decision. This especially applies to the applicants we accepted who, now that we think about it, had unusually thick Russian accents. ● To be totally fair, those Doritos and cases of Mountain Dew are totally necessary after we've smoked a joint at 3am. ● This bullet point is a catch-all for the other corrections on our list. But it's 3am and we're bakin'. Go talk to ProPublica—those sanctimonious fact-checking party poopers always claim they know what's goin' on.
See? Perfectly innocent little oopsies. When this is all over, I expect there'll be a monument to these patriotic DOGE whippersnapper sleuths on the National Mall. With a dazzling Oxy-10 fountain in the middle.
CHEERS to doing one’s duty in Deutschland. You gotta hand it to the Germans—they are confident about their election process. For starters, they’re legally required to hold them on a Sunday or public holiday to increase turnout. For another thing, their elections run smoothly, quickly, and efficiently—they don’t have a bunch of southern-drawling, cousin-marrying, porn-addicted yokels in positions of power sticking their tobacco-stained thumbs on the scale via voter-suppression laws. For another ‘nuther thing, they take threats of meddling from Russia seriously. And the kicker: no stinking electoral college. Having said all that, let's hope der Deutsche Volk have the soundness of mind to keep the Nazis out of power again on Sunday. Sadly, it looks like they'll follow our lead and end up drunk on stupid:
When the dust settles after Sunday’s vote and conservative opposition leader Friedrich Merz is—barring further surprises—elected chancellor, the 2025 race will be remembered as the moment the far-right Alternative für Deutschland (AfD), consistently polling in second place, went from sideshow to centre stage. Words of advice that now apply to the Germans...again. What began as a professors’ party opposing eurozone bailout packages has morphed in just 12 years into an ever more radical force, feeding on anti-migrant sentiment and incorporating neo-Nazis into its ranks. […] Germany built its postwar identity – with the fundamental help of the Americans – around preventing parties like the AfD from gaining power.
Here's hoping we'll be shouting "Sehr gut!" Monday morning. Because if the election results are terrible, we'll have to shout, "Ach du Siebrhimmelgotterunterdammerangenkeitsmittle vervorheicht enseichten!!!" And that can put your uvula in the hospital for a week.
CHEERS to letting your fingers do the walking. 147 years ago today, the first telephone book (kids: ask your parents. Parents: ask your parents.) was issued by the District Telephone Co. of New Haven, Connecticut. It had 50 names. And 51 pizza coupons.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the Miracle on Ice. We'll file this item under "Up Yours, Putin." Forty-five years ago tomorrow, on February 22, 1980, the U.S. Olympic hockey team out-skated and outwitted the "unbeatable" Soviet team at Lake Placid, stunning everyone by beating them 4-3. I remember walking around afterward in a t-shirt with a Russian bear getting knocked in the head by a puck and the caption: "Puck You, Russia!" (I'm still surprised my schoolmarms didn’t have a problem with the thinly-veiled F-bomb.) Thankfully, with maturity and the passage of time, I've traded in that ratty old shirt for a sensible Brooks Brothers button-down. It says "Hey, Remember When We Kicked Your Ass in 1980, Russia? That Was Puckin' Awesome!" Because, y'know, we all have to grow up sometime.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of boob-tubage for the final weekend of February. Things get started tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel on MSNBC. There’s a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW, or you can join the live-skeeting (8pm, H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek at BlueSky) of the classic Star Trek Episode Let That Be Your Last Battlefield (with guest star Frank Gorshin, taking a break from his stint as Batman’s nemesis The Riddler.) At 8:30 the guests on PBS’s Firing Line are some dudes (Jeff Ferry? Scott Lincicome?) who think they know stuff about the economy. We hear their brows will be very furrowed.
Tomorrow night.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. (The hit remake of Nosferatu is now streaming on Peacock.) The NBA schedule is here and the NFL schedule is here. Tomorrow and Sunday afternoon NBC airs the PGA event known as the “Mexico Open”—or at least that’s what they’re calling it until Very Bad Man insists they change it to the “America Open.” SNL airs a rerun with host Pedro Pascal, but not before the NAACP Image Awards are handed out on BET and CBS (8pm).
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on how the new Justice Department is suing the show’s third, fourth, sixteenth and 43rd minute for defamation. Then at 8 Lois chaperones Chris and Meg’s school trip on Family Guy (Fox). Or you can catch the Screen Actors Guild Awards at the same time on Netflix. And the weekend gets wrapped up with a snarky bow on HBO, with new episodes of White Lotus and Last Week Tonight.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Governor Gretchen Whitmer (D-MI); Senators Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Markwayne Muller (Fascist-OK). The only press I want to meet Sunday. This Week: Secretary of She’s Gonna Get Us All Killed Kristi Noem; Senator Jack Reed (D-RI). Face the Nation: U.S. special envoy to Ukraine Steve Witkoff. CNN's State of the Union: Former Rep. and January 6 Committee member Adam Kinzinger; Steve Witkoff; House minority leader Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY). Fox Fascism Sunday: Rep. Gym Jordan (Fascist Perv-OH); Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT); Soused Secretary of He’s Gonna get Us All Killed Pete Hegseth.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 21, 2015
CHEERS to mo' money. Yesterday Walmart shoved a crowbar (available in Aisle 5 for just $8.33) into its wallet (genuine imitation alligator skin—Aisle 9) and pried it open. Half a million employees are now getting their pay bumped all the way up to $9 an hour. So thanks to the generosity of the mega-corporation whose owners are richer than God, entry-level workers will soon rise to the upper crust of the poverty elite. I hope management is prepared for mass fainting. (Smelling salts now on sale in Aisle 3—buy one get one free!)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to #1. George Washington’s adventures in 1776, our country’s founding year—starting in Boston routing the redcoats and ending in Pennsylvania strategically retreating from them—was a pinball game of victories and routs punctuated by both strategic cunning and sheer luck. And mud. Lots and lots of mud.
Washington in one of his happier moods.
Thanks to him, we booted the British and formed our own republic which, despite an insurrection in 1861 and another one in 2021 by the heirs of the same nitwits, endured until 2025. So even though we’ve become a monarchy again, don’t forget to say "Happieth Birthdayeth" to ol' George tomorrow—293 years old and still alive!
(Disclaimer: actual aliveness limited to the hearts of his countrymen. See warranty for details.)
From the day he took office, Washington knew that corruption and special interests would be a fact of life in the halls of power. (Today Republicans would obstruct him at every turn because "We’re still troubled by all the unanswered questions about that cherry tree” and then hold 18 months of committee hearings.) The last American president to hold office, President Joe Biden, followed in the footsteps of the Father of our Country in many respects:
As president, [Washington] was particularly sensitive to the diverse interests of the new country and fervent in his efforts to prevent its fragmentation. [...] Also in GW’s plus column: big fan of vaccine mandates. He promoted roads, canals, the post office—anything and everything that would bind the different states and regions together. … Never taking the unity of the country for granted, he remained preoccupied throughout his presidency with creating the sinews of nationhood. … Washington, more than anyone, promoted the sense of Union that Lincoln and others would later uphold. —From To the Best of My Ability, edited by James McPherson
Roads. Canals. Postal service. Or as the GOPers call them: handouts for the takers. But thank god the lamestream media was on the case to call Washington out on his caliphatic socialist takeover agenda designed to destroy the soul of America:
[H]is critics believed he wanted to become another “King George.” The Philadelphia Aurora, one of the major opposition papers, in 1796 editorialized: "If ever a nation was debauched by a man, the American nation has been debauched by Washington. If ever a nation was deceived by a man, the American nation has been deceived by Washington." —From Rating the Presidents by William Ridings Jr. and Stuart McIver
Washington wasn't perfect. He lied at times. He schemed at times. He threw tantrums. There was that whole owning other human beings thing. But considering he didn’t have much of a POTUS playbook to work with, and no predecessor whose brain he could pick over an evening of bowling and beer, he did okay. Now shine up yer buckles and pay your respects to"#1" here. And then go take advantage of his awesome mattress sales.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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