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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2025-02-20
The Perfect “Get Out of Jail Free” Card
Via The Late Show, now you can get out of anything just by invoking the magic words—big words, beautiful words, even perfect words, many people are saying—bestowed upon our great country by our perfect leader but not the one named Musk I mean the other one...
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Off to rob a bank. Be right back with free money!
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 20, 2025
Note: Today is National Handcuff Day. It’s a timely reminder that neither Elon Musk nor a member of the Trump family should ever find themselves in cuffs. Because only medieval stocks surrounded by tomato-throwing peasants will do.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the government runs out of money: 22
Days 'til The National Fiery Foods & BBQ Show in Albuquerque: 8
Percent of NASA's workforce that has been laid off by SpaceX CEO Elon Musk: 10%
Years since a royal tomb was discovered in Egypt: 103
Years during which Egypt's Eighteenth Dynasty ruled, including by King Thutmose II, whose tomb discovery was announced this week: 1550 BC - 1292 BC
Number of remaining tombs from that dynasty that haven't been discovered: 0
Age of Pope Francis, currently fighting pneumonia in both lungs: 88
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The trouble with being a congenital optimist is that gloom-mongering feels so uncomfortable. The election in Iraq Sunday, like the one in Afghanistan last year, was moving, inspiring and hopeful. When there's a ray of light breaking through in a dark sky, I'd much rather concentrate on the ray than the black clouds. But mitigating my optimism is the fact that I've been around for a long time. Not that longevity is any guarantee of wisdom, but it does provide perspective. I can remember when they had elections in Vietnam that looked hopeful in 1967. I can remember the elections in El Salvador in 1984. And I remember last year's election in Afghanistan, with the almost unbearably moving sight of Afghani women coming out to vote. Still, it didn't kill off a single raping warlord, did it? In Iraq alone, we've been through 'mission accomplished,' then the violence would end once we captured Saddam Hussein, then the all-important handover of sovereignty that would make all the difference and next the destruction of Fallujah that was going to break the insurgency. (Well, it did destroy Fallujah.) Someday, we will actually capture al-Zarqawi, and I bet we find that doesn't make much difference, either. —February 2005
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Farewell, K9 Hurricane…and thank you for your service.
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JEERS to efficiency on steroids…if by steroids you mean stupid pills. Let's check in—if we must—with the never-gonna-get-laid poster children for acne scars at DOGE and see how they're faring with that pesky E part in their name (that would be "Efficiency"):
DOGE TWIT #1: Okay, guys. Code Level 1 emergency. Turns out we weren't supposed to hack into the personnel files of the guys who control our nukes and then fire them with no notice and a snotty attitude. We gotta rehire 'em. Like, now! DOGE TWIT #2: Uh…that might be difficult. DOGE TWIT #1: Why's that? DOGE TWIT #2: I erased all the personnel files so I could download my new video game Grand Theft WWE Battle Tank Ninja Sniper Gunner Call Of Urban Attack Street Fighters On Mars. No idea where those nuke dudes are now. DOGE TWIT #1: Well, that's just great. Papa Elon's gonna rake us so hard on X, man! DOGE TWIT #2: Not a problem, brah! Take a chill pill! I got two friends who just got laid off as tour guides for some lame-o national park—whatever that is. They can do it. I'll courier over the launch keys and PRESTO NO PROBLEMO, YO! Now lemme get back to my game. I'm almost at Level 3,455. DOGE TWIT #1: Sorry, man. I never should've doubted your dedication to government efficiency. Here—take my gallon jug of Mountain Dew. Peace out, brah.
I just can't say it enough: the republic is saved again.
CHEERS to cool science. According to researchers, our finned friends under the sea are more adept at getting to know us than we thought:
Wild fish can tell people apart – at least when they are wearing different-coloured outfits – researchers have found in a study they say could shift our relationship with the creatures. […] Mornin’, grog and Audri and Grandma Ada and mcmom and JCBlues and Thinker and...and...! The researchers carried out 30 trials for each outfit, and used video recordings to count the number of fish following each diver. They reported that, when the divers wore different outfits, both species of fish followed the trainer more often than the other researcher, with this preference becoming more pronounced as the trials went on.
In one of the more dramatic examples of their intelligence, fish who saw divers wearing a red baseball cap turned around and gave 'em a squirt of fish shit to the face. Memo to the next Democratic president: Medals of Freedom to the entire school.
CHEERS to a pleasant commute. I couldn't possibly let today go by without giving a shout-out to my home state hero who sadly passed away in “The Great Legend Purge of 2016.” Sixty-three years ago today, on February 20, 1962, Ohio native (and future senator) John Glenn took a little trip into space, which The Atlantic recreates here:
Five minutes and four seconds into the flight of the Friendship 7, as John Glenn prepared to become the first American to orbit Earth, he radioed to NASA, his capsule turned and brought the Earth into sight. Glenn’s welcome-home reception. "Oh, that view is tremendous," he said. […] Shortly after reaching orbit, his gave his first description of an earthly phenomenon from orbit. "This is Friendship Seven," he said, "Can see clear back; a big cloud pattern way back across towards the Cape. Beautiful sight."
Glenn orbited the world three times aboard Friendship 7 in just under five hours. A little weed and I can do that in my mind aboard LaZBoy 1 in under 30 seconds.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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"CHEERS!" to fixing the worst domestic mistake in American history. On February 20, 1933, Congress proposed the 21st Amendment, which would repeal the 18th (also known as "that no-good stinkin' prohibition"). Once it was adopted, the booze again flowed free and unfettered. C&J will be performing a historical reenactment of that moment in our living room later this morning. Same as we do the other 364 days of the year.
JEERS to little oopsies. A rather extraordinary event up in the land of our nation's new mortal enemy Canada. A Delta jet landing at an airport in the mortal-enemy city of Toronto was hit with a massive calamity and, after desperate attempts to prevent it from becoming a complete catastrophe, gave up, flipped on its back, and died, leaving the passengers inside alive but emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives. Air safety experts call it a miracle. The National Metaphor Association calls it the Grand Prize winner for all of 2025.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 20, 2015
CHEERS to escaping with your buns intact. One of the Oscar Meyer "Wienermobiles" got ambushed by winter and slid into a pole. The driver is okay. While being checked out at the hospital he received flowers and cards from his family, his co-workers and every late-night joke writer in America.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to U.S. Mint'y freshness. The new American Women Quarter is here! The new American Women Quarter is here! Yes indeed, the latest in the series of U.S. quarters celebrating accomplished American women was released, and she's a MAGA cultist's nightmare who got into her share of good trouble:
Ida B. Wells was a prolific educator, investigative journalist, suffragist, and civil rights activist. She fought for justice and equality throughout her life and used her powerful voice to expose violence against African Americans in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. x x YouTube Video - The reverse design features Ida B. Wells as she gazes courageously and proudly toward the future. Inscriptions are “UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,” “E PLURIBUS UNUM,” “IDA B. WELLS,” “25 CENTS,” “JOURNALIST, SUFFRAGIST, CIVIL RIGHTS ACTIVIST.”
Wells is the first graduate of the U.S. Mint's Class of '25. C&J will keep you posted on the next honoree’s coin ahead of her arrival. Assuming, of course, that DOGE hasn’t efficiency’d it into extinction.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial The Department Of Defense's New #1 Enemy Is Named 'Bill in Portland Maine' —Wonkette
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[END]
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