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Elon Musk Fired This Blog [1]
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Date: 2025-02-14
So, lotta shit going down these days, and I imagine you’re pretty bummed about most of it, but let me suggest this is largely a matter of perspective. If you’d only look at things from the point of view of, say, a crooked politician in need of a pardon, or a tyrant seeking the end of the liberal international order, or a communicable disease, you’d see how great things’re going.
The President of the United States held an Oval Office press conference this week, and because he’s such a magnanimous fellow, he let his pal Donnie sit behind the Resolute Desk the whole time.
Yes, Kid Ketamine continued his rampage, ordering layoffs , closing hospitals , and gutting cancer research, though curiously finding no waste whatsoever in his own extensive (and, it would seem, expanding ) federal contracts. Funny, that.
And so half a billion dollars worth of food we’ve already paid for rots in warehouses at the whim of a power-mad oligarch. Musk has begun amassing a body count destined to land him a place in history alongside humanity’s great monsters; the only question is, will it be under his given name, or his hilarious “Harry Bōlz” pseudonym*?
Luckily, the courts are stepping in, to at least slow the troll emperor’s extraconstitutional crime spree, since the feckless Republican enablers running the other two branches of our government seem all too eager to hand him our nation (and our data ) on a platter. “Oh, is Elon handling diplomacy with India now? Wow, he didn’t even mention that, how kind of him. More time for golf! ”
No wonder wonder Republicans keep doing Musk little favors, like exempting White South Africans from their immigration purge, or crafting a budget that redistributes hundreds of billions of dollars from struggling Americans’ health care directly into billionaires’ pockets. Golly, populism hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would…perhaps the electorate should’ve read all those terms n’ conditions before clicking to accept.
The Shart of the Deal opened negotiations over the Ukraine war with his trademark “give a bunch of shit away before even sitting down at the table” maneuver, which bore such fruit back when he didn’t denuclearize the Korean Peninsula. I’m told an early draft of the artwork commissioned for the inevitable challenge coin depicts Secretary Hegseth losing a drinking contest to Putin.
Speaking of the…well, I was about to call him “the most powerful substance abuser in the world,” but I caught myself. Surely he cracks the top five, though, right? ANYWAY, speaking of the Tennessee Williams antagonist running the Pentagon, I see he brought Jack Posobiec with him on his lil’ Eurotrip, in case he needs a pizza parlor shot up while he’s capitulating to Russian aggression.
And you’re watching this overmatched buffoon pants-shit his way through his debut on the world stage, thinking, “this could not possibly get any more embarrassing for my beloved, once-great nation,” and right at that moment, JD Vance elbows past you, mumbling, “hold my Haitian housecat gumbo.”
JD figured the Munich Security Conference was the ideal backdrop for a campaign ad for Germany’s neo-Naziest party ahead of their upcoming election. “You may not like oligarchy or Russian election interference, WELL I DON’T LIKE GRETA THUNBERG! ” he bleated, and everyone was super impressed.
Meanwhile, the Manchurian Manchild keeps opening new fronts in his idiot trade war every time one of his tweets (excuse me, “truths”) doesn’t get enough likes. Aluminum and steel landed in his crosshairs this week, because there’s no greater obstacle to American greatness than a healthy auto industry.
He also paused enforcement of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, which, sure, will make it easier for foreign governments to elicit bribes from American companies, but if you can’t guess who benefits from this particular piece of malfeasance, well… my heart goes out to you.
Ah, well, you’ll never notice the bribery surcharge next to the tariff surcharge. And hey, you won’t be able to do anything about it anyway, once the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau is gone, and all those predatory institutions’ve clawed their billions back from the filthy plebs.
Oddly enough, consumer sentiment has plummeted, and the economy saw the first drop in retail spending since last August, as the American public belatedly remembered why they fired Turd Midas four years ago.
Anyhoo, circling back to the “laws the regime refuses to enforce” topic, TIC TAC IS BACK, BAY-BEE! Yeah, the app that was outlawed months ago, in a bipartisan landslide. The one the Chinese Communist Party uses to spy on and manipulate us, right.
Honestly, do hostile foreign governments even need to seed our social media environment with disinformation anymore? These days, I imagine the troll farms struggle to top the shit we do to ourselves. You come up empty after an all-night brainstorming session, only to find some rando’s got millions of dipshits believing Governor Josh Shapiro runs an assassination ring out of his basement…must be discouraging.
I remain concerned that America’s flirtation with autocracy will ultimately be judged by history to be the dumbest one ever.
I picture the middle school children of the future, sitting somberly through videos of charismatic orators, thundering away before rapt, saluting throngs, and then they get us, and it’s footage of Karoline “What You Get When You Order Kayleigh McEnany on Wish” Leavitt stamping her feet and screeching, “You only get freedom of the press if you call it the Gulf of MURICA!!!”
Then, to quiet the snickers, the teacher calmly explains that was a relative high point, and six months later, Jake Tapper would be sentenced to ten years hard labor for refusing to say “Red White and Blueland,” as was by then legally mandated.
Y’know, if we’re gonna force candidates for top federal intelligence and law enforcement jobs to pledge allegiance to demonstrable falsehoods, why limit shit to the boring ol’ Big Lie? No reason to half-ass this whole “American decline” thing, I say fill the fuckin’ CIA with dudes who think Taylor Swift is a deep state psyop by lizard people to turn your pets trans, and see how long it takes us to nuke ourselves back into the Stone Age.
So, Eric Adams , Rod Blagojevich , and Vince McMahon walk into a bar. Vince says to Eric, “It sure is nice to be in a bar, instead of prison, where we belong!” “Sure is,” agrees Eric, “Say, that reminds me, I owe my quid some quo, ” and then he called ICE on the bartender.
The Adams debacle finally set off that wave of principled resignations you’ve been waiting for, potentially heralding a golden age of Take This Job and Shove it Up Your Kakistocrat Butthole resignation letters. Warms the heart.
Previously eradicated respiratory virus The Measles celebrated RFK Jr.’s confirmation as Health and Human Services Secretary with an outbreak in Gaines County, Texas, where 91% of the electorate voted Dotard, and every completely avoidable red spot on your child’s face is a badge of honor, proudly proclaiming, for all the world to see, “My family’s health is WAY less important to me than owning th’libs.”
Tangerine Idi Amin’s meme coin has already obliterated $2 billion from MAGA nation’s rainy day NFT fund, though of course he and his collaborators have profited handsomely. See, we can’t afford PEPFAR , but the rube tithe is sacred.
I see notorious crotch groper Matt Schlapp is groping crotches again, this time in front of plenty of witnesses. When he’s not committing sexual assault, Matt chairs the theocrat scold sleepaway camp known as CPAC, and I for one can’t wait for the next round of hectoring harangues from those hissing hypocrites.
Anna Paulina Luna was roundly mocked for threatening to haul the long-dead members of the Warren Commission in for a stern talking-to, but the joke’s on you, America: she’s nowhere near the dumbest member of the caucus tasked with keeping the government open next month.
Steve Bannon pleaded guilty to fraud, so I assume he’ll be Undersecretary of something important by the time you read this.
As always, this post is dedicated to my favorite graven image: the Mar-a-Lago Goat Idol, from whom all blessings flow. O Most Divine Caprine Lord, know that I am not avaricious, I seek only enough Trump Buxx™️ to offset the increased beer costs brought about by a certain rapist’s trade “policies.”
Hey, SPEAKING OF BEER COSTS, drop a few bucks in my tip jar (now accepting Venmo, PayPal and Cash App! ) and I’ll head to the liquor store down the street, see what I can do about those retail spending numbers. Or you can follow @john_luzar, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com for free**. Either way, stay safe out there…if you’re able, holy crud.
PS, If I missed the odd lunatic confirmation, or purge of nuclear weapons technicians here and there, forgive me. The zone is flooded with shit.
*You’re way too unsophisticated to understand, but this is a testicle joke.
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