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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2025-02-14
Late Night Snark: Ain’t Even Been A Month Yet Edition
“You know things are tough when you read that an asteroid might be headed at us and my first thought is, Oh finally, some good news! ” —Jimmy Kimmel “Who wouldn’t trade our current environment for our 1870’s tariff-driven, be-candled, tuberculosis-laden, pre-industrial heyday? Quick point of order, though: to the extent that we were at our richest from 1870 to 1913, it wasn’t so much ‘we’ as, like, four guys—and we called them robber barons, as a sign of affection. … Meanwhile, for the rest of America the leading cause of death was falling into a vat at work.” —Jon Stewart Via The Daily Show “[W]hile his team attempts to fix his Gaza plan, Trump has already moved on. Because he’s basically the Norovirus. Every day he spews executive orders all over the place and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.” —The Daily Show’s Desi Lydic “The point is not that Trump is a liar and hypocrite—everyone knows that on both sides of the aisle. It’s that right-wing MAGA populism is a scam. When you hear Republicans claim they’re against nation-building and foreign wars, just remember they’re the ones that want to own and occupy Gaza, Greenland, Panama, and Canada. Even George W. Bush would be like: ‘Red White and Blueland’ sounds dumb as shit, and I’m the guy who said nukular.” —Seth Meyers “[Musk’s] financial disclosures are being kept secret, DOGE is exempt from open records laws, and when someone on Twitter merely identified some of the people who work for DOGE, Elon suspended their account and said ‘You have committed a crime,’ which we tried to fact-check with career officials at the FBI but they’re all working at a Panera now.” —The Daily Show’s Jordan Klepper “RFK Jr is now charge of the FDA, NIH, and CDC. To which Americans said: ‘OMG,’ ‘WTF?,’ and ‘FML.’ “ —Jimmy Fallon
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, February 14, 2025
Note: Just to blaze a new and exciting crypto trail, instead of a non-fungible token, I’m putting up for auction a non-tokenable fungus. Its name is "Precious." Starting bid: $1 million . Virtual petri dish included. We suggest you never, ever open it. Bid now!
—C&J Dept. of Let’s See If I Can Get Away With This
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til we turn our clocks ahead an hour: 23
Days 'til California's Santa Cruz Clam Chowder Cook-off: 8
Number of U.S. inspectors general suing to get their jobs back after being illegally fired: 8
Number of Mainers who joined my congress member Chellie Pingree (D) for her first telephone town hall of 2025: 3,000
Percent chance that Rep. Pingree's response was, "I expected a big turnout, but this was something else!": 100%
Estimated viewership of Kendrick Lamar's Super Bowl halftime show, a record high: 133.5 million
Number of signers so far of a Danish petition urging Denmark to buy California: 228,000
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Puppy Pic of the Day: An odd-doption…
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CHEERS to good governance. Today President Biden, having gotten inflation down to two percent and greeted another stellar jobs report, signed several lawsuit-proof bills into law, including universal healthcare, a total transition to clean energy by 2035, free community college, restoration of abortion rights, incentives for stronger DEI programs in the public and private sector, and the Voting Rights Act. Then he signed the admission of Ukraine to NATO, announced a massive task force to contain the bird flu outbreak, and brokered a two-state settlement between Israel and Palestine. His 2024 opponent, Donald Trump, turned himself in this morning to serve a five year prison sentence. Tesla declared bankruptcy. And the McRib is back at McDonald's. You are now up to date.
JEERS to our new brain worm overlord. Meanwhile, back in the land of reality, enough MAGA senators snorted enough cocaine yesterday to decide that RFK Jr. would make a swell Secretary of Health and Human Services. Now, I know many of you are disappointed by this decision because of the looming panoply of pandemics and needless outbreaks of disease and pestilence throughout the land because of his kooky beliefs and policy decisions. Sure, fine, whatever. But lost in all the hubbub is the fact that everyone in this country—you, me, your neighbors, co-workers, relatives, and all the horses—will now receive a FREE POULTICE!!! You can use it for any ailment, internally or externally, and you don’t have to claim its estimated $5 value from your taxes. (Disclaimer: President Trump gets to deduct the value of all of them from his.) So watch your mailbox because they're all being sent out tomorrow morning. And because Louis DeJoy is still our postmaster general, expect delivery sometime around an evening in 2027.
CHEERS to the last useful thing the Vatican ever did. On Sunday’s date in 600, Pope Gregory the Great decreed that "God Bless You" would become the religiously correct response to a sneeze. Mostly because the old response—"Oh, hey, that sounds bubonic"—was scaring off the faithful.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to incivility. On tomorrow’s date in 1798, the House of Representatives was the site of the first congressional brawl, when much knocking of noggins occurred after a hurling of insults followed by Rep. Matthew Lyon (Democratic-Republican-VT) spitting in the face of Roger Griswold (Federalist-CT). Among the weapons that were wielded: fireplace tongs. Based on his expression, the guy recording the minutes just got tonged in the crotch...
And if you look toward the lower left corner, you’ll see a dog is present in the chamber. That would be Thaddeus T. Woofington from the great state of New York. He only lasted one term. Once he got tax cuts for the Wilson company passed, he spent the rest of his life working a cushy job at a pro-tennis-ball think tank. Crafty canine.
CHEERS to home vegetation. The big TV news of the weekend is John Oliver's triumphant return for another season (his 12th already?) of Last Week Tonight on HBO. God only knows where he’ll plant his shovel first.
Season 12 starts Sunday.
But first, things get started tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel on MSNBC. There’s a new episode of Penn & Teller: Fool Us! at 8 on the CW, or you can join the live-skeeting (8pm, H&I Network and hashtag #allstartrek at BlueSky) of the classic Star Trek Episode The Tholian Web. At 8:30 the guests on PBS’s Firing Line are Philip Howard and Will Marshall of the Progressive Policy Institute.
The most popular movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here and the NFL schedule is here. SNL dominates NBC’s evening schedules with a trio of 50th-anniversary specials: a tribute to the musical guests tomorrow at 8, the first 1975 episode tomorrow night at 11:30, and the big “SNL-50 Special” reunion Sunday at 8. (I hope they give it enough cowbell.)
Sunday night also features the season premiere of Family Guy (8pm, Fox), with a parody of the Top Gun franchise. And finally, as we mentioned, John Oliver wraps up the weekend at 11 with pinky extended.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy; SNL’s Darrel Hammond on the 50th anniversary of the show. Also: Wile E. Coyote shows up to reenact the sudden dawning realization among MAGA cultists that Trump is about to destroy every facet of their lives. This Week: House minority leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Senator Markwayne Mullin (Fascist-OK). Face the Nation: Trump economic adviser and fascist number fudger Kevin Hassett; CNN's State of the Union: Trump Gestapo chief in charge of cruelty against brown people Tom Homan; Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN); Reps. Laura Gillen (D-NY) and Riley Moore (Fascist-WV). Fox Fascism Sunday: President Musk’s National Security Fascist Mike Waltz; Senator Mike Barrasso (Fascist-WY), a medical doctor who should turn in his fucking medical license for voting to approve RFK Jr.; Senator Tim Kaine (D-VA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 14, 2015
JEERS to Bibi's deaf ears. As you've no doubt heard, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is cynically planning to use his relations between his country and the United States as a party advertisement for his reelection campaign. His planned speech in front of Congress scheduled for March 3 is shameless pandering and totally unacceptable, according to this guy:
"I can't find an example of any previous Israeli government whose prime minister, on the eve of elections, made a cynical attempt to use relations between Israel and the United States as a party advertisement."
That was Benjamin Netanyahu in 1996. He should have a little chat with himself.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to notes notes. I got so distracted by the afterglow of Groundhog Day that I didn’t even notice that the latest batch of nominees vying for induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. They are...
First-Time Nominees Bad Company The Black Crowes Chubby Checker Joe Cocker Billy Idol Maná OutKast Phish Does this count as “fugly”? Repeat Nominees Mariah Carey Cyndi Lauper Joy Division/New Order Oasis Soundgarden The White Stripes.
The inductees will be announced this spring. The link for online voting is here. As usual, I'll be casting a daily write-in vote for Hampton the Hampster for his groundbreaking The Hampster Dance. Because, c’mon…won’t we all?
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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