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2025 U.S. FAFO Open, techbros entry [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2025-02-09

The following events may or may not have occurred last Thursday evening in a small, dingy room in the basement of the Treasury Department building. The room is nearly bare and lit by a single, uncovered overhead bulb. Upon a plain wooden table rests a spanking new Macbook Pro plugged into the Department's network with a bright yellow, 8-foot long ethernet cable. Two figures are seated at the table in comfortable folding chairs, like a film director would have on set.

Musk: [to 12-year old Boy Genius™ accomplice] "Here's the master password" [hands him a post-it note].

Boy Genius™: "I'm in!" [types: 'select * from taxpayer;' ... several seconds later, response on screen says: 'Result contains 254,976,101 records. Apply filter? Y/N'].

Boy Genius™: [types 'n'. Response on screen says: 'Would you like to download result? Y/N'. Types: 'y'. Response: 'Would you like the result to be encrypted? Y/N'. Types: 'n']

[Response: 'Please attach external drive with at least 4,177,528,438,784 bytes of free space (author's note: that's about 4 terabytes of information, assuming 16 kilobytes for each taxpayer, some inactive/deceased in the past 5 years) and press any key to continue'].



Musk: [hands external drive with 16 terabytes of free space to Boy Genius™, who plugs it in to a USB port on the laptop, then hits the space bar. Response: 'Downloading results to drive E:, estimated time remaining: ~3.5hr].

(author's note re. 20 gigabits/sec transfer rate from title image: 1 gigabit = 134,217,728 bits = 134,217,728 / 8 = 16,777,216 bytes * 20 = 335,544,320 bytes/sec. 4,177,528,438,784 (bytes to be transferred) / 335,544,320 (bytes/sec transfer rate) = 12,450 sec = 12,450 (sec) / 3,600 (sec/hr) = 3.46hr = slightly less than 3 1/2 hrs)

Musk: [springs to his feet and high-fives Boy Genius™] "Great job, revered young one. Read-only, huh? Heh heh heh heh (in that Beavis-like voice of his). Let's go meet Don Boy at McD's. He'll be delighted with the news that we just pulled off the biggest data privacy breach in history, modern or otherwise". [Musk and the Boy Genius™ leave the laptop on the table, but turn out the light (doin' their bit to cut down on governmental waste of taxpayer money) and lock the door behind them as the download continues...].

[...about 3 minutes later, door flies open, and light switch is flicked back on. Musk and the Boy Genius™ have returned].

Musk: "Damn glad you reminded me we have write access as well, Boy Genius™. We told those fools in Congress that we had read-only access, and I got that into my head somehow as well, like a worm. Right then, let's get back to work. You know what to do".

Boy Genius™: [types: "delete from taxpayer where lastname='musk' and firstname='elon';" Response: 1 row deleted. Types: "delete from taxpayer where lastname='trump' and firstname='donald' and middlename='john';" Response: 1 row deleted. Types: "delete from taxpayer where iscorporation='Y' and (name like '%tesla%' or name like '%spacex%');" Response: 2 rows deleted].

Musk: "Good... now finish the job".

Boy Genius™: [types: "update taxpayer set amountdue='204386470.00' where lastname='biden' and firstname='joseph';" Response: 1 row updated. Types: "update taxpayer set paid='N' where lastname='biden' and firstname='hunter';" Response: 1 row updated. Types: ‘commit;’ Response: Commit all changes? Y/N. Types: 'y'. Response: all changes committed. Light goes out, door is closed and locked again].

[END]
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