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In Hindsight, Electing the Narcissistic Rapist Autocrat May Have Been a Mistake [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-01-31
Elon Musk tried to lock me out of my blog, but my password’s got an uppercase letter, a number, AND a symbol, so I’m safe for now. As safe as anyone can be, here in the shit-flooded zone that is…well, whatever we’re calling the landmass north of the Gulf of ‘Murica these days.
So, we had ourselves one zany little constitutional crisis this week, when Littlefinger pulled his favorite move from the private sector on the whole dang federal government, the one where he decides to not pay the bill.
See, when you don’t pay the bill, you get to keep the money, right? He had big plans for that Meals on Wheels budget, you guys. He was gonna re-gild all the toilets down at Marm-a-Lago, really splurge on his next order from the Too-Long Red Necktie of the Month catalogue…but alas, the nation’s olds declined to meekly transport themselves to the glue factory, at their own expense. Filthy takers.
Basically, Fat Q*bert tried to grant himself line-item veto over every dollar ever appropriated, and congressional Republicans obediently yapped, “Sounds wonderful, sir! Thank for not pointing your hammer-wielding cultists in the direction of my home, or even my vacation home!”
Oddly enough, shutting Medicaid off proved unpopular, so the Turd Reich swiftly backpedaled away from their own memo, like it was a candidate for Attorney General who got caught trafficking minors for sex or somethin’.
I do so enjoy watching these shitbags lose. Especially big, fat, stupid, sloppy blunders like this, setting massive stacks of political capital ablaze, only to walk away with absolutely nothing.
Nothing except a rejuvenated opposition, that is. I’ll admit we’ve been in a state of, um, well, hmm, I suppose you could call it “disarray,” were you so inclined, but it looks like Resistance is back on the menu.
Right in the nick of time, too, since these pudding-brained billionaires are gonna get us all killed.
Because the government must be shrunk until the entire executive branch fits up Donald Trump’s ass, the new administration has, to date, largely focused on purges of the insufficiently sycophantic. They gutted an aviation safety committee at DHS, and Elon forced the FAA chief out over a lingering SpaceX grudge, and in a wacky, completely unrelated coincidence, America immediately experienced the worst aviation disaster since 2001.
News of the tragedy reached the President while he was in the Trump Cave, deep beneath Stately Trump Manor, watching the livestream from the cameras he had secretly installed in Ivanka’s bedroom. “This looks like a job for a septuagenarian rapist with a cranium full of rancid cottage cheese!” he declared, hopping in his little golf cart, because the White House briefing room was too far away to walk.
Ah, Donnie Dotard in the briefing room! I assume that triggered the same flashback in all of us, to the look of cosmic horror in Dr. Deborah Birx’s eyes as her boss told a fearful nation to douse their innards in disinfectant.
The problem, he explained, is that women and minorities are allowed to have jobs. This is bad, because it is not meritocracy. “Meritocracy” is when white dudes from the magical talking picture box are in charge of everything. Did you know, not ONE member of Lincoln’s so-called “team of rivals” had ever hosted their own TV show? No wonder there was a civil war.
While neither aircraft involved in the accident seems to’ve been piloted by anyone non-white or non-male, it was still ENTIRELY DEI’S FAULT, because everyone was so distracted thinking about all those poor pets getting eaten by Haitian migrants in Springfield, Ohio that they forgot to pay attention to flying.
I think the question that’s destined to most befuddle the historians of the future is like…how, precisely, did such blithering bumblefucks come to believe in their own racial superiority? Any civilization with the slightest interest in survival would completely reverse our current deport/confirm-as-Cabinet-secretary standards.
Elon’s certainly been a busy little bee. Between all the heiling and cheating at video games and undermining of air safety, he’s still somehow found time to try to bully his way into the traditionally non-partisan Treasury Department office that oversees trillions in government payments. That, um, seems like a bad idea.
Anyway, that’s one more exemplary career civil servant to toss on the purge pile. You probably won’t even notice him, amidst all the inspectors general, and everyone at the FBI who was even tangentially involved in investigating Individual 1’s many, many crimes. Oh, also every prosecutor at DoJ who thinks domestic terrorism is bad.
Musk apparently hopes to entice vast swaths of the federal workforce to self-deport, with “buyouts” reminiscent of those offered when he turned Twitter into a playground for white supremacists. So, y’know, if history would be kind enough to not repeat itself this one time, I’d be grateful.
In the unlikely event that the DOGE crew possesses any actual interest in cutting wasteful spending, this plan to reinstate COVID vaccine refusers to the military with back pay feels like low-hanging fruit. Paying petulant idiots for work they didn’t do seems mighty damn inefficient to me.
On the other hand, we can probably make up the revenue by implementing Georgia Congresscreep Rich McCormick’s plan to make child labor great again. You wanna tax the little sponges at the highest possible rate, too, leave ‘em just enough to pay for school lunch; they’d only blow anything left over on Pokémon cards and rainbow fentanyl.
(Any children declining assignment to the coal mines will be sent to Coach Senator Tuberville’s office, to be beaten with a belt. )
What else, what ellllllllllse?
Oh, I see Kristi Noem’s making the media rounds in her raciest storm trooper costume, so I guess the mass deportations are under way. They aren’t yet live-streamed, so poor Nancy Mace ’ll have to keep on masturbating to the same old snuff films of orphans for now. Maybe she can invite that Texas substitute teacher over, you know, the one who stooged their own students out to ICE, split a six-pack of wine coolers, maybe torture some gerbils to death.
No, there hasn’t been nearly enough human suffering yet. Heck, the cruelty is the whole dang point, remember? And if that means diverting resources from actual law enforcement to meet Tangerine Idi Amin’s racial purity quotas, so be it. Gotta pay that upcharge to use military flights for deportations, that’s just basic showmanship. Plus this new concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay ain’t gonna fill itself up, y’know.
Things’re going about as well on the foreign affairs front as they are domestically, though thankfully, Secretary Rubio has yet t’be called upon to drink any water. There was a brief, embarrassing kerfuffle with Colombia, and sure, our government misspelled the name of the country they needlessly antagnoized, but it coulda been worse. (If the President declares war on Kulumbeeyuh, I can legally ignore the draft notification…right?)
Oh, they did shut down all foreign aid payments, so the hardworking American taxpayer can finally claw back that three trillion dollars we spent on monogrammed buttplugs for Hamas. Causing real misery in the name of imaginary problems, that’s the Trump Doctrine™️.
Which brings us to the trade war. Ignoring the warnings of economists in favor of a controversial theory espoused primarily by Hulk Hogan, the dizzy twit slapped 25% tariffs on our two largest trade partners, Canada and Mexico. Smaller tariffs for China, because obviously we want to be harder on democratic allies than hostile autocratic regimes. Obviously.
And the pain won’t be confined to your grocery bill, by the way. Pharmaceuticals, oil, semiconductors, electronics …the President of the United States is committed to inflicting senseless, unnecessary destruction on every corner of the American economy.
Because so many of the Oath Loaders and Glad Lads he pardoned keep getting re-arrested on kiddie porn charges, or gunned down by law enforcement for resisting arrest during routine traffic stops, Off-Brand Orbán went and pardoned a bunch of anti-abortion extremists, because how’s an aspiring dictator supposed to create a climate of fear without a free-ranging army of legally unaccountable, wingnut vigilantes?
A Michigan priest was defrocked this week, because the Anglican Catholic Church knows what to do with dudes who throw Nazi salutes, even if the U.S. government doesn’t.
I’ll say this about flooding the zone with shit, I’m five beers deep into this blog, and I haven’t even touched on the motherfucking Cabinet confirmation hearings yet. And yoo guyz, Tulshi Gabbard ish a Russian spy yoo guyz, we can’t confarm her we just *hic* can’t.
I guess RFK throws live animals into blenders? I honestly don’t know if that’d make the top ten list of reasons why he shouldn’t be HHS secretary, but still…gross.
And Kash Patel is…well, he’s Kash Patel, isn’t he?
Yeah, shit’s moving pretty fast, but I gotta cut this blog off someplace, so if I missed a story about President Rapist ordering a tactical nuclear strike on JB Pritzker’s house or something, my apologies.
Look, I know it’s a lot, folks, but in the very first special election under this new Reich, we flipped an Iowa state Senate seat in a district that voted Dotard by 21 points. And that was before the fucking trade war.
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