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MAGA in the year 100,000 [1]

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Date: 2025-01-27

Experts agree that America will be great again in the year 100,000. Surpassing all other so-called great civilizations located in ancient Mesopotamia, India, Egypt, China, Persia, Greece, and Rome (to name a few), American civilization is fated to return — yet again — to greatness! On or about that date.

Now, rest assured, there are bright days beyond the year 100,000. Ten thousand 100,000-year intervals will lapse before the sun balloons and the oceans boil — when the climate really changes. A billion years. Probably more if we think ahead and throw up a curtain to shadow the Earth, thereby blocking blistering, deadly rays from space.

So we have time. Rest assured. Now is never the time to sell.

But hark. This particular date (A.D. 100,000) is no sonorous, glib, clickbait guess. No. As it happens (okay, will happen), by coincidence, at the end of this very first interval (upcoming), America once again actually achieves (okay, will achieve) greatness. Again! Less than 98,000 years from now.

I know what you’re thinking. How could we possibly know? Here’s how: experts agree.

What will future Americans be like? Of course, we aren’t entirely sure. Those egghead people drawn on covers of vintage sci-fi paperback books? Those beady-eyed, highbrow, pencil-neck thinkers? No. Trees may learn to grow on Everest. Ants may grow as big as dogs. Will man evolve? Perhaps. But Americans won’t.

Here’s what happens:

We know (see above) that Republicans will usurp democracy in 2025 — despite carefully obfuscated rights. They will say that this was the will of the people — which, partly, it was. They will quote from facts beyond dispute. “This is a republic, and we are Republicans.” And so thereafter, with dwindling guff from the opposition, Republicans rule.

Lost Cause, found. Hail and farewell!

You might think this is a good thing or a bad thing (depending upon your political priors) that Republicans claim their destiny to permanently govern the commonweal. Either way we can surely agree that the bad seldom outweighs the good. Except when things end badly. Now take, for instance, ancient Rome, whose protracted end deserves undying disrespect. Not only did it split apart and rot to the core, it slaved, overextended, and left its borders unprotected. Sic semper tyrannis.

But Republicans have a foolproof plan to thwart the rhymes of history: America must be great again. Again and ever so. Republicans. The Republic. Recurrent human fate is in the very name: Re-public.

Be staunch, man!

Fair warning : from this point forward, computer models developed by experts offer our only forecast of the times ahead. These provide (as if seen from the future) poetic omens of things to come in past and past progressive tenses:

Babies were born and enemies trembled. All were as one, e pluribus unum. The Great Wall project began at once — completely surrounding the nation on all of its borders, including the coasts. For thus it was written: “Construct a wall that is thirty feet high whose interior surface shall be like a mirror. None shall cross it in either direction.”

No more of the outside world was known.

40 years of plebeian delights ensued, then they ran out of gas. The old-time slogans were printed and posted. People were quelled, but a few of their leaders were growing uncertain. “How can we ever be great again if we’re already great?” they asked themselves. The wisest among them proposed a way forward: “Develop a virus that makes us forget. We’ll breathe it — and sneeze it. We’ll start over, fresh.”

They made it, released it, and scored a success.

Oops. They forgot any word having more than one syllable. Physics and history — instantly gone. Centuries passed. Fields fell fallow, and skyscrapers soon were like overgrown reefs full of vines that would topple them over in very short order. They hunted and gathered — barely surviving to live like the very first Native Americans. Gales blew, and a great ash descended and buried all signs of a once-honored nation. Ice ages followed. They cowered in caves.

Millennia treadled in primitive silence.

Then: everything thawed. Civilization slowly returned to the hard-scrabble path that it always had taken — art, religion, poetry, craft, government, science — leading to cynics and others who fearfully clung to their roots in the soil.

And thus, the circle will close. In A.D. 99,950 a farmer will harrow a hill called Tell al-’Abama, hit an obstruction, and end up exposing a thin layer of red hats and guns amid slogans inspiring the locals to dig up the pieces — to seek the foundation — to mimic the glorious past ONCE AGAIN. A long-vanished culture will be resurrected from fragments of chainsaws, corn dogs, Trump-branded Bibles, work boots, bullhorns, barbed wire, torches, and time-capsule copies of Gone With the Wind.

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