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A Week to Remember: Donald Trump’s Spectacle of Sharpies and Shenanigans [1]
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Date: 2025-01-27
Once Upon a Presidency
In his delusional return to the Oval Office as the 47th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump wasted no time proving that even a train wreck can run on schedule. His first week was a tour de farce, blending pettiness, chaos, and authoritarian cosplay into a spectacle that left the nation reeling. It was less a presidency and more a one-man circus — complete with executive orders as confetti, pardons as party favors, and Sharpies as his magic wands.
A Prescription for Disaster
Kicking off the festivities, Trump ceremoniously killed Biden’s plan to lower prescription drug prices. “No one loves seniors more than me,” he declared while throwing them under the bus. The pharmaceutical industry, of course, erupted in applause, which drowned out the faint cries of retirees who had foolishly believed a campaign promise or two. Who needs affordable insulin when you can bask in the glow of corporate profit margins? After all, nothing says “populism” like making grandma choose between her meds and her mortgage.
Pardon the Absurdity
Next came Trump’s magnanimous gesture to pardon all January 6th insurrectionists. Yes, all of them —because nothing screams “law and order” like absolving an armed mob that tried to overturn democracy. “Political violence is bad,” he assured us, “unless it’s for me.” The Justice Department, now a hollowed-out husk, was left wondering if they could still prosecute jaywalkers or if that was off the table, too.
A Sharpie Recession
Trump signed so many executive orders that the stock price of Sharpie soared to record highs. Environmentalists mourned the trees sacrificed to print these declarations of grandiosity, which ranged from the absurd (renaming the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America) to the surreal (declaring Mount Denali will again be Mount McKinley because why not?). Each flourish of his pen was less a policy initiative and more a cry for attention. Substance? That’s for losers.
The Panama Canal: Imperial Nostalgia Edition
In a move no one saw coming — because no sane person would — Trump vowed to “take back” the Panama Canal. Why? Apparently, the Monroe Doctrine was lying around, begging to be dusted off. The international community, already exasperated, collectively rolled its eyes while Latin America prepared its most sarcastic “thanks, but no thanks” letter. Nothing reaffirms global respect like a dash of imperialist nostalgia.
Climate Chaos and Health Follies
Naturally, Trump couldn’t resist withdrawing from the Paris Climate Agreement (again) and the World Health Organization because nothing says “America First” like isolating yourself from efforts to combat existential threats. While climate change continues to wreak havoc and pandemics remain a looming threat, Trump reassured us all by doing… absolutely nothing — except, of course, creating more problems for the next administration to clean up.
Cultural Wars on Overdrive
Trump issued executive orders recognizing only two genders and ending federal DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) efforts to appease his MAGA fanbase. These weren’t just policies; they were cultural war grenades hurled with glee. To cap it off, he declared a national energy emergency, effectively throwing shade at renewable energy advocates while doubling down on fossil fuels. Somewhere, a wind turbine shed a tear.
The Schedule F Fiasco
Trump’s pièce de résistance was the revival of his infamous Schedule F plan. Ostensibly a means to drain the swamp, it’s better understood as his personal vendetta against career civil servants — those pesky experts who dare prioritize competence over sycophancy. It’s governance by grudge, pure and simple, because nothing says “effective leadership” like replacing seasoned professionals with flunkies who can’t tell a budget from a bucket.
The Valve Heard’ Round the World
In one of his more bizarre moments, Trump suggested that a “valve” could solve the water problems related to the LA fires. Experts, struggling to maintain a straight face, kindly explained that wildfires don’t work that way. But when has reality ever stopped Trump? If anything, it’s merely an inconvenient suggestion.
An Ode to Pettiness
And let’s not forget his decision to fire the first female head of a military branch —because breaking barriers is fine, as long as they don’t clash with his fragile ego. Toss in his extortion attempt to strong-arm California into changing its voting laws, and you’ve got a portrait of a man less interested in governing and more obsessed with score-settling.
A Legacy of Lies and Sharpies
By the week’s end, Trump had fired 12 independent inspectors general, effectively declaring open season on federal accountability. He vacillated on China tariffs, declassified assassination files no one asked for, and killed federal civil rights protections for employees. It was as if every petty grievance he’d nursed since leaving office in 2021 was finally unleashed in chaos.
The Moral of the Story
Donald Trump’s first week back wasn’t just a demonstration of incompetence — it was a masterclass in the art of governance as performance art. He’s not a president; he’s a pundit with power, a man more comfortable on a golf course than in a briefing room. His authoritarian leanings are undermined only by his fundamental small-mindedness — a man who confuses bombast with brilliance, pettiness with policy, and attention with achievement.
The tragedy is that while Trump’s antics may amuse his base, they leave the nation weaker, more divided, and less prepared for the challenges ahead. History may yet find the right word for his presidency. For now, let’s settle on “farce.” After all, even Mark Twain couldn’t have made this up.
~Dunneagin~
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