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I once had amazing fun with a (Microsoft) phone scammer [1]

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Date: 2025-01-22

Long, long ago and far, far away - before Covid, I picked up our land-line (remember those?). “Hello, this is Microsoft calling. We are here to let you know there is a terrible virus on your computer.” His voice was heavily Indian accented but it got much clearer at the end of the call - I will get to the clarity later.

I am not the brightest bulb on the string but I had enough juice to know Microsoft does not cold call product users; they send out updates to mitigate threats .

I was in a fun mood the day Mr. Microsoft called. I thought I would play along to see where the adventure would take me. I pretended to be “Old Grandma.”

I am uniquely qualified to play “Old Grandma” because I am 6’3” and very much over 200 pounds but I have a high voice that has been the bain of my existence. I was one year behind Stacey Keach at Van Nuys High School. Mr. Kessler, the Radio Speech teacher hated me because I was bigger than Stacy but had a voice like a mouse. I have often been mistaken for a woman on the phone.

First I thanked him and said it was wonderful that Microsoft was going to so much trouble, I then told Mr. M that this was my son’s business computer with all his clients investment accounts and all their passwords. I said, “My son must have at least $40 million in trust for his clients on this computer so keeping the money safe is important.”

There was a loud thud and a few seconds of silence after which it seemed there was some background rustling - I think more people came on. He began talkin again and his voice trembled as he began to ask me questions and tell me about fictional issues for which he needed access to the computer.

He gave instructions to remotely operate the computer. For each instruction, I would say something like, “Oh, damn. I accidentally shut it down. It will have to reboot. Hold on.” Then I would go fix a sandwich or something. I would come back and rinse and repeat. Then I would say I had gotten that step and we would begin on another and the computer would “accidentally” shut down again. I could hear strain and desperation in his voice as we did tasks over and over and over and over. Strangely, his accent became somewhat clearer.

I would say things like, “Oh, these old arthritic fingers just hit the wrong key,” or “Where did I put my glasses? These are Aunt Lydia’s and they are very blurry on me.” I would ask, “Do you have cats? I have 37. They just showed up at the door one day. I also have 24 dogs I rescued. They are Russina Wolfhounds.” I asked things such as, “Do you like German Chocolate Cake? (I do). I would force answers before I would go on. I would have an “accident” and have to start over.

About 90 minutes in, I got bored. Just saying, “You are a scammer, good-bye and go to Hell” seemed too easy so I pretended to make progress to his goal of accessing the computer. His voice got a pitch of excitement as he thought he would gain control.

There was one last step and he would have remote access to the computer - he thought! All I did was click keys. I never made any attempt at access.

At the last step, several times, I claimed to hit wrong keys.

Finally, I yelled into the phone, “Success! There is a little spinning wheel. Wait! The screen went blue ... and now it is going a bright red.”

Mr. M started to say something or ask a question as I said,

“Wait! There are big white letters forming on the red background. They are very blurry but they are becoming clearer. The first letter is “F”... The second is coming into focus, it is “U”... And the third is “C”... And the forth is, “K”...”

Before I could say, the “Y-O-U” letters, Mr. M exploded over the phone. His words were very violent and came out with such passion and his voice was so loud that I was scared to the point of shaking. For a very short moment, I feared he would jump out of the earpiece and attack me. I am not exaggerating. I think my reaction was because I had gotten so deep into the character of “Old Grandma.”

He must have screamed for ten minutes. “Old Grandma” would say his words were not those of a gentleman.

I believe I heard laughter in his background.

I forgot to mention that as he detonated, his accent disappeared.

[END]
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