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EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts from Trump's Inaugural Speech [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2025-01-19
Trump will move Christmas to January 7th, replace The Fourth with The Sixth, create Council of Oligarchs, and much more …
Our staff has exclusively obtained a leaked advance copy of the speech Donald Trump will make in the Capitol Rotunda on Monday. We have also used a breakthrough development in Artificial Intelligence that makes it possible to see video and audio of future events. This has enabled us to pass along to our loyal readers the things Mr. Trump will say when he departs from the written text.
Here is some of what he will have said:
Christmas to be Celebrated on January 7 th
To align ourselves more completely with Mother Russia and its glorious Führer, His Royal Highness Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, tsar of all the Russias—including Alaska—the celebration of Christmas in the United States will now be on January 7th. It is part of the fulfillment of my campaign slogan, “Make Russia Great Again.”
Alignment with Russian Orthodox Church
Departing from the text and turning away from the TelePrompTer, the new president said, “No one knows this, but the church in Russia uses a different calendar, which is named after Julius Caesar and he was, you know, a strong ruler—an emperor, I think, back in Greece or somewhere, so that makes it better than a calendar they tell me some pope came up with—and the Russian Orthodox Church people are saying they have patriarchs and everyone in my administration is required to believe in patriarchy, as well as oligarchy … and, of course, kleptocracy. I also learned—I’m a very stable genius, you know—person, woman, man, camera, TV. They told me that only the smartest people in the world can remember those words in order. Even Elon couldn’t do it, and he is as smart as the late, great Hannibal Lecter … but Elon is a helluva lot richer. And the Russian Orthodox—I’m a little unorthodox myself, but that’s okay—Church is the whitest Christian church in the world—none of that DEI or CRT for them! So. we’re working on making it the official state church in America.”
New Holiest Day: Our Glorious Patriots’ Day
Refocusing on the clear screen before him, Mr. Trump continued:
The Russian calendar is seventeen days behind the one we have been using, so Christmas 2025 will fall on January 7, 2026. My first official act as your emperor … uh, president … will be an edict moving Christmas to that date. The imperial edict will also proclaim January 6 to be celebrated as Our Glorious Patriots’ Day. The first official celebration of this, our holiest holiday, which will come to be called by many simply “The Sixth,” will be held on what people who use that Pope calendar call January 23, 2025. All government services that have not already been ended by that date will be closed and all federal employees who have not already been fired will be off. The observance of The Sixth on January 27th will be a joyous day on which Americans have picnics and love-ins, as happened on The Sixth in 2021. After dark, true Americans across our great nation will parade with Tiki torches and swastikas, chanting, “The Jews will not replace us.”
Again departing from his text, the Leader of the World-Formerly-Known-As-Free, said, “Nobody knew this, but the Russians hated Jews way before the Germans did. They used to have po- … uh, programs to massacre them.”
A small number of Americans’ chosen in a lottery in which all who donate a minimum of $10 million to me … uh, I mean, the organizing committee … will be able to participate. The winners will have the honor of breaking windows and doors in the Capitol, defeca—I don’t know how to pronounce that—shitting on its floors, and yelling ‘Hang Mike Pence!’ The person who donates the second largest amount will get to carry a Confederate flag inside the Capitol. And the man who donates the most will have the distinct privilege of beating a former Capitol policeman to death. It will be a festive occasion—nobody’s ever seen anything like it.
Festive Torch Parades and Executions
The Tiki torch parade in Washington will make its way from the Ellipse to the Capitol, retracing the steps of the Patriots of 2021, pausing at fourteen Stations of the Doublecross. When they have reached the Capitol, the first Glorious Patriots’ Day will culminate with the public executions of Jack Smith, Bennie Thompson, Adam Shifty Schiff, Adam Kinsinger, Nancy Pelosi, and Liz Cheney. The last two being witches, will be burned alive. Then Mike Pence will be brought out to a beautiful gallows—people will say they’ve never seen such a beautiful gallows—and the assembled patriots will be told to decide his fate by their shouts. If “Hang Mike Pence” is the loudest, that sentence will be carried out in front of the crowd. All the events of the day will be livestreamed around the world. All independent media in the United States will have long since been shut down and remaining networks, all of which will be owned by Elon Musk and will have pledged their eternal loyalty to the Trump Dynasty, will carry the festivities all day. Since this new holiest of American holidays will be in January and we certainly don’t want to give workers any more days off, Glorious Patriots’ Day will replace Martin Luther King Day as a federal holiday. That guy didn’t even believe in violence, so we should never have honored him anyway.
Trump further decreed that the Fourth of July will be celebrated on July 17 in 2025. He expects that before 2026 he will have converted the United States completely to the Julian calendar. Leaks from within his inner circle of sycophants say that Mr. Trump may soon cancel the Fourth of July holiday entirely, because “it celebrates rebelling against monarchy, and that goes against our sacred principles.”
“I pledged to ‘Take America Back,’” he proclaimed, “and, as I always say, ‘Promises made; promises kept!’”
He reassured his cult worshippers that this is just the beginning of keeping his promise:
I know that you all want us to go back much farther than seventeen days, but Rome wasn’t destroyed in a day. I will be taking America back to the 1950s, when women and people whose ancestors came from shithole countries knew their place. I will be taking America back to the 1920s, before all that government meddling in the free economy. I will be taking America back to before the [here he pause to squint at the TelePrompTer, apparently trying to see which Amendments Elon Musk and his other masters want to eliminate] Nineteenth Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, the Thirteenth Amendment, the First, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth …” He paused to insert, “We are going to make damned sure that cruel punishments are usual,” and then continued, “the Ninth and Tenth Amendments. They tell me those first ten are called the Bill of Rights, but the only rights Americans will have as they are taken back are the right to have guns, though President Musk has told me that at some point we’ll need to take that one away, too, in case people want to resist the jack-booted thugs we’ll be sending to suppress their other rights. … They tell me that the Thirteen, Fourteenth, and Fifteenth Amendments interfered with the sacred right of rich men to own people, so they will all be repealed. The Sixteenth Amendment will be altered to prohibit taxation of individuals who make more than $1 million a year and of any corporation listed on the Fortune 500.
“By the way, the top four men on the Forbes 400—the four richest men in America—are among the oligarchs seated behind me now, who tell me what I need to do.”
New Council of Oligarchs to be Established
The Seventeenth Amendment will be revised to say that all members of the Senate will be appointed by the new Council of Oligarchs, which I will create by fiat this afternoon.
They say that the Eighteenth Amendment, whatever that was, has already been repealed. The Nineteenth Amendment will be the first one I repeal, by edict. Women need to be having men’s babies and taking care of their husbands and his mistresses. They are plainly unqualified to vote, as they have shown by wanting to make pulling out the sprouting seeds that men plant in them legal and far too many of them voting for those who have opposed me.
I will also issue an edict later today repealing the Twenty-Second Amendment so that I can remain president forever. Congress will be instructed to appropriate $500 billion to construct a golden mausoleum in which, in the unlikely event I ever die—Elon tells me he’s at work on a new invention that will make it possible for a few ultrarich and powerful men to live forever—my body will rest in a glass coffin like the other great Leaders Lenin, Mao, and Ho. But mine will be much grander. The epitaph on the colossal structure will be by favorite headline, from the New York Post cover in 1990, quoting Marla Maples saying of me, “BEST SEX I’VE EVER HAD.” They left off the “Sir” before that. All the women I have sex with call me “Sir.” All Americans forevermore will be required to visit this temple and kneel by my body, praying to me and making the sign of the dollar on their chests. The Twenty-Fourth Amendment has to go. Not only will we go back to poll taxes, but we will prohibit people making less than $500,000 a year and with a net worth of at least $10 million from voting. Those numbers will be raised every three months to reflect the extraordinary inflation that my tariff and deportation policies will produce. The Twenty-Fifth Amendment will be altered to say that in the event of the President dying or leaving office Elon Musk will become president. The Twenty-Sixth Amendment can stay. The only 18-year-olds who will meet the new income and property requirements to vote will be loyal to me. They tell me that the Twenty-Seventh Amendment says that members of Congress cannot increase their salaries until another election. That’s mute—I think that’s the word—because all members of Congress who do as I and the Council of Oligarchs tell them to do will be raking in so much money that their salaries will be meaningless to them. I see that Sleepy Joe said the other day that the Twenty-Eighth Amendment, giving equal rights to women, is now part of the Constitution. Well, Fuhgeddaboudit! “I will be taking America back to the days when Robber Barons could run roughshod over workers and consumers, back to the days when a few businessmen had almost all the wealth, back to the days when women and people with darker skin knew their places …
He goes on, but that’s probably all readers can take at once.
{Robert S. McElvaine is Emeritus Professor of History at Millsaps College and the author of eleven books, including Eve’s Seed: Biology, the Sexes, and the Course of History. He is currently at work on a new book manuscript, “An Agreed-Upon Fiction – The Creation of the ‘Inferior’ Sex & How It Has (Mis)shaped History & the Present.” He writes a column on Substack, Musings & Amusings of a B-List Writer.}
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