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The GOP and sexuality - They ain't your ancestors Puritans [1]

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Date: 2023-12-07

Ok, it’s time to address the Republicans and their relationship to sexuality. In other words, it’s time to have the talk.

Every time you turn around the Republicans are getting mired in many things sexual. Amsterdam has their famous red light district, we have Congress. The GOP legislators are the most sex-obsessed group of people outside of those dudes going to Nevada ranches that make their hay using credit card readers.

Throw in non-elected officials, such as GOP party leaders and a lot of right-wing pastoral people, and we have a sub-culture that makes the 60’s Sexual Revolution look like staid Quakers wearing one-piece steel snowsuits with their zippers welded shut.

Online I found this from the Amsterdam Info website:

The Amsterdam Red Light District is not only about prostitution. You can find here a great variety of strip clubs . . . sex theaters . . . peep shows . . . coffee shops . . . and sex shops.

In the U.S. we call that the Republican Roll Call. Madison Cawthorn called it a routine night caucus. I know his personae has more cracks than the San Andreas fault getting jiggy, but, jeez, maybe he was right about some things. At the risk of repeating myself, the GOP has more kinks than a Xbox controller cord.

Let us count the ways, shall we?

Moms For Liberty is an ultra-uber conservative group that cheer led to get Florida's "Don't Say Gay” law enacted. They also fight to ban books from schools so kids won’t have to be bothered by the stuff they see in everyday life, especially if their parents’ bedroom door is open. Then they get to see a Bible study group doing a laying of hands after a clothes bomb blew off everyone’s wardrobe.

Bridget Ziegler was one of the original three co-founders of Moms for Liberty. Hmmm, three, three, three . . . where have I seen that number before? And her hubby? He’s the Florida State GOP Chairman. Conceivable the deputy apex of Florida Man, and you don’t get to be more of a douche than that, unless you’re crop dusting with a table condiment.

So, apparently Bridget’s husband, Christian — yeah, you can try to make this shit up, but in this case Christian’s parents beat you to it — was allegedly practicing family values by forcing his family jewels in someone other than his wife. In some circles that’s called sexual assault and quite often rape.

In Republican circles that’s called the Handmaiden’s Tale Versus My White Male Version, Who Are You Going To Believe Judge Cannon? By the way, in a just world, we wouldn’t allow cheaply made ordinance in courtrooms.

First there was the Don’t Say Gay law, next up is the Don’t Say Rape law. Sure, the Republicans don’t want any exceptions in their draconian forced birther laws, especially since they’re the ones practicing awful-ficial insemination. Bridget would have joined him, but she was busy burning a cookbook that called for brown sugar.

How about MAGA Magic Mike Johnson and his son being porn buddies, which consist of each getting notification if the other has looked at objectionable online material. That’s just what you need, a heads up from someone at the age where they’re sucking testosterone from a camel back, and then hearing them scream out, “Jesus Christ! Don’t touch that thing, you’ll go blind and grow hair on your psalms!”

Then there is Lauren Boebert and the theater incident. A play within a play. Like to see the handbill from that little production. It’s a good thing we don't vote any more by pulling levers at voting machines, she’d be facing RICO charges for voter fraud. She won her last election by only 546 votes. At the theater she won by the same number of erections.

Now, Rudy Giuliani was accused by Trump’s ex-aide Cassidy Hutchinson of groping her and another former Giuliani employee filed a lawsuit with audio evidence that alleges sexual harassment. American’s Mayor is now an alternate councilman of Tawdry Township.

If Sex in the City, a TV show centered in New York City, was about Rudy, the first episode would have the Statue of Liberty filing a restraining order against him for using a boom crane to lift her robe and blowing out her torch so no one could see. The show would be cancelled just after the opening credits had rolled, but Russia Today would pick it up for syndication.

Dennis Hastert and Jim Jordan of the WWE, Wee Willie’s Escapades. ‘Nuff said.

And that university co-ed couple, Jerry Falwell Jr and Becki Falwell, how about them. I mean how cliché do you have to get? She was taking swim lessons from the pool boy while Jerry was lifeguard, watching to see if anyone went down. Oh, and Jerry tried to make his wife take the fall for the whole thing. Guess chivalry isn’t dead. That was a nice gentlemen’s club gesture by Jerry. Oh, well, in the GOP, hindsight is 20/20 voyeurism.

Matt Gaetz had been suspected of taking liberties with an under-aged teen. The DOJ did investigate, but no charges were brought forth. So, King Leer skated and can resume his lecherous ways. He’ll probably endow an educational chair, Back Stage Manager of the School Play Around, at the local high school.

Roy Moore was another Republican accused of being a serious nuisance to under-aged teens. Allegedly his MO was to stalk girls in a mall — the Gap, in his case, being his age versus theirs. Once again, no charges, but it did sink his campaign for the Senate and forfeiture of the best table at the food court.

Marjorie Taylor-Greene, well, the best she could do was a couple of alleged affairs while she was married and making teenage googly eyes at Out-The-Door McCarthy when he was a tinny Speaker at a crappy House party. Jeez, light my ass with a laser, who would have thought Wind Tunnel Tongue was so pedestrian.

Nancy Mace. Well, you can’t say she’s done anything legally wrong in the sexual arena, but she says stuff that makes you think the Tower of Babble is one of the crowns in her teeth. She publicly wore the scarlet letter A because, as she noted, something, something, reason, reason, attention, attention, sex sells, sex sells.

Then, she made a cringe-worthy announcement at a conservative prayer breakfast. She told them that she had to tell her boyfriend that morning, that no, they couldn’t see if their Sleep Number bed had a twerking-for-two algorithm before she left for the Brunch with Baptists. "He can wait, I'll see him later tonight," Mace announced to the crowd, who weirdly have a “No Fraternizing Frolics Before Marriage” decree that Nancy hadn’t noticed. The signs were there, but again, Nancy apparently never got an A in reading.

Then there’s Donald Trump. And, no, let’s not bother cataloging his transgressions, especially since we’d have to roll those out like they were written on a six-pack of Bounty paper towels. No, instead, let’s turn the tables and FUCK him in the 2024 election.

In fact, screw him into the ground so deep he’d pop up as a toad stool on the other side of the earth. Oh, he’ll moan, groan and scream a lot, but it’ll actually be us getting off on it. And then he can go and do the Perp Walk of Shagged.

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