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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-12-06
He’ll Always be #1...
..among Republicans expelled from the House. Kimmel bids an embarrassing farweell:
x George Santos will be missed, but he’ll never be forgotten! pic.twitter.com/U9eI0dsKsk — Jimmy Kimmel Live (@JimmyKimmelLive) December 5, 2023
Nice legacy, Chesterfield.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, December 6, 2023
Note: Some people say I buy my own hype. Not true. It’s a rental.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til 2024: 26
Days 'til ChristmasFest 2023 in New Orleans: 9
Percent increase in nuclear energy capacity in 2022: 40%
Current number of nuclear power plants being built, 40% of which are in China: 61
Current per-ounce price of gold: $2,028
Price of gold the last time I can remember thinking about the price of gold (many years ago): $500
Number of Mainers who lost power during our first major snowfall of the season: 25,000
Totally Random War on Christmas Score Pagans 9 Republicans 4 (End of first quarter)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 187 (including 4 volcanoes and 1 evangelical nitwit with too much time on his hands). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Fresh morning sausages…
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JEERS to a waste of breath. You might want to sit down in case you faint after you hear our top story: there's another MAGA debate tonight on a stage somewhere. Four candidates—Haley, Christie, Ramaswami, and DeSantis—will roar like lions at each other and mew like kittens at no-show frontrunner Trump. Every sentence will contain a lie, and every policy proposal will have cruelty at its core. By the time it's over the hapless moderators will be so flattened that they'll be able to leave the building by slipping under the door. The "winner" will enjoy a one-point bump for 24 hours, after which the whole thing will be forgotten except for the round-the-clock coverage of Trump's rage tweets on Truth Social. Which is along-winded way of saying: tonight I'll be watching Star Trek reruns.
CHEERS to not climbing aboard the hater bandwagon. Since 2002, the Human Rights Campaign has rated companies for how well they treat their LGBTQ employees. And despite the MAGA-fueled war against the pursuit of queer happiness, companies continue to set the standard for fairness and inclusion, according to the 2023 Equality Index:
[C]orporations rose to the challenge and continued their commitment to maintaining and improving upon their workplace environments to be inclusive of all employees. This year's CEI survey saw 545 businesses meet the evolved criteria, earning all 100 points and HRCs 2023-2024 “Equality 100 Award'' as a Leader in LGBTQ+ Workplace Inclusion. […] Getting better every year, says HRC. Top-rated CEI employers come from nearly every industry and region of the United States and represent employers in all 50 states. To earn top ratings, employers took concrete and dedicated steps to establish and implement comprehensive policies, benefits, and practices that ensure greater equity for LGBTQ+ workers and their families. Companies rated in the CEI include Fortune magazine’s 500 largest publicly traded businesses (Fortune 500), American Lawyer magazine’s top 200 revenue-grossing law firms (AmLaw 200), and hundreds of mid- to large-sized businesses that are publicly- or privately-held.
And in somewhat related news, no companies surveyed received a "100 Award" in the latest Assistant Managers Keeping Their Hands Off Gladys's Lunchables In The Employee Fridge Index. The work continues.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Could a sound cure cancer? This doctor thinks so 🩺🔊 pic.twitter.com/uu96uNPdGS — NowThis (@nowthisnews) December 3, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to entering the civilized world. Well, Hallefrickinlujah. On today's date in 1865—89 years after we officially declared ourselves a nation where "all men are created equal" and 8 months after Lincoln was assassinated—the 13th Amendment to the Constitution was officially ratified, abolishing slavery and pissing off the ever-prissy south.
You can view the document here. 158 years later, blacks are least likely to be hired, most likely to be targeted and killed by police and “stand your grounders” for doing nothing even remotely illegal, least likely to be in the minority among the prison population and most likely to be targeted for voter disenfranchisement by Republicans. But, on the other hand, how nice to know that Blacks can now be denied the blessings of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in all those diverse ways as a free people.
CHEERS to 2023 in a nutshell. Thanks, Wikipedia, for letting us know what your users' top searches were, so we can file them away in our brains without a lot of muss or fuss:
1. ChatGPT: 49,490,406 page views 2. Deaths in 2023: 42,666,860 3. 2023 Cricket World Cup:38,171,653 4. Indian Premier League:32,012,810 5. Oppenheimer (film): 28,348,248 6. Cricket World Cup: 25,961,417 7. J. Robert Oppenheimer: 25,672,469 8. Jawan (film): 21,791,126 9. 2023 Indian Premier League: 20,694,974 10. Pathaan (film): 19,932,509
And coming in at #11: "Has Cheers and Jeers Won A Major Award Like A Pulitzer Or A Kennedy Center Honor Yet," which I searched for 19,932,508 times. But only because I didn’t have as much time to do it as I did last year. Time to reprioritize my life, methinks.
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Ten years ago in C&J: December 6, 2013
JEERS to polite requests that shouldn’t ever be necessary. Um…has anyone seen a stolen 2.5-ton truck full of face-melting radioactive cobalt-60 crossing the border from Mexico? If you have, could you please call Glenn at the Federal Stolen Truck With Face-Melting Radioactive Cobalt-60 Desk at 1-800-HOLY-SHIT? He'd really appreciate it. UPDATE: Never mind…found it! It was under the plastic balls in the playpen at Chuck E. Cheese. Darn kids.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to delightfully twisted minds. Today is comedian, Oscar winner (1989 Best Short Live-Action Film for The Appointments of Dennis Jennings) and multiple Grammy nominee Steven Wright's 68th birthday. To describe him beyond the single word "deadpan" is futile, so don’t even try. (However, he recently explained the method to his madness on Conan O’Brien’s podcast.) Just feast on some of his brain food and feel your neurons tingle…
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.” “When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.” Red Sox fan. Jus’ sayin’. “I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.” “I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!" “I went to a cafe that advertised breakfast anytime, so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.” “My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.” “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Go here and you can eat the whole bag. Oh, and extra points for including a Maine lighthouse (Cape Neddick) as the background on the home page of his website. He always did like us best.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "There is something wrong with Bill in Portland Maine. I'm serious, he doesn't look right in the C&J kiddie pool. He doesn't." —Joe Scarborough
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[END]
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