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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2023-11-13
How to Start Your Monday with a Smile
Three of them, actually. Take a gander at the new caucus leadership of Virginia’s House of Delegates…
Left to right: Caucus Chair Kathy Tran, Speaker-designee Don Scott, and Majority Leader-elect Charniele Herring.
Have a great day.
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, November 13, 2023
Note: If you’re among the millions of Democrats experiencing the effects of post-election Monday morning rational exuberance, ask your doctor if doing absolutely nothing about it is right for you. Because it is. Enjoy it. Bask in it, bathe in it, bottle it. Don’t argue—just do it. My orders.
—A public service message from God and the Ad Council
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By the Numbers:
5 days!!!
Days 'til Thanksgiving: 10
Days 'til the Maine Harvest Festival in Bangor: 5
Weekly initial unemployment claims announced last week, down a bit from the previous week and still the lowest since 1970: 217,000
Average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage, down from 7.76% and the lowest in a year: 7.50%
Percent chance that Trump-appointed Judge Eileen Cannon said no (for now) to his request to postpone the May start date of the stolen-classified-documents trial: 100%
Amount Florida businessman Patrick Parker Walsh stole in Covid relief funds to buy himself an island, an act for which he’s now on trial: $8 million
Age of Apollo astronaut Col. Frank Borman, who commanded the first mission to orbit the moon, when he died last week: 95
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Did you know? The rise of puppy videos gave birth to a renaissance in plucked-string players…
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JEERS to living down to expectations. You may heard—it was in all the papers—that Ohio voters, by an overwhelming margin (57-43), passed a referendum last week that would enshrine abortion rights into the state constitution. End of story right? Of course not. Republicans, those staunch defenders of states' rights, looked at the results and said fuck states' rights. And to no one's surprise, here we are:
Four Ohio Republican state lawmakers are seeking to strip judges of their power to interpret an abortion rights amendment after voters opted to enshrine those rights in the state’s constitution [last] week. That’s why Republicans leave their health care decisions in the hands of Jesus. Republican state Reps. Jennifer Gross, Bill Dean, Melanie Miller and Beth Lear said in a news release Thursday that they’ll push to have the Legislature, not the courts, make any decisions about the amendment passed Tuesday.
Yes. Because what do those silly courts have to do with interpreting the constitution, anyway? (Especially if they're not getting a free luxury vacation in return, right Clarence?) But my first question upon hearing about the MAGA attempt to overturn the "will of the people" (another sacred tenet of their political philosophy right up until the moment it inconveniences them) was: why did they let their right-wing PACs and other allies (Hello, Catholic Church) light a whopping $37 million on fire, knowing full well that the measure was going nowhere win or lose. That's a special brand of dumb right there. Or as it's better known: a day ending in y in Republican Land.
JEERS to reeeeally living down to expectations. News flash that will surprise no one: the government will shut down this Friday and Republicans in the House have no freaking clue what they're going to do about it:
The deadline to pass a plan is the end of the day next Friday, Nov. 17. The House left for the week on Thursday—leaving just a few days for deals to be made when House lawmakers return on Monday. Trying times for Speaker Johnson. Now he has less time to surf porn on the device his son doesn’t know about. [House Speaker and porn app guru Mike] Johnson seems to be running into the same problems as his predecessor, Kevin McCarthy, who had to carefully maneuver between moderates and hard-right conservatives in his conference before his historic ouster. He faces a mixed-bag of political positions that he will have to maneuver around: Some Republicans have already announced they don't like the idea of a clean CR; some are rooting for steep off-setting budget cuts; some Republicans want controversial border policies attached.
Despite the negative press, Republicans say everyone should calm down and relax, because they've got a wide variety of options from which to choose: flailing, wild flailing, hysterical flailing, angry flailing, flirty flailing, and a continuing resolution. The party of fiscal responsibility rolls on.
P.S. Moody's has downgraded our national credit rating from "Get it together, guys" to "Man, you really suck." If things continue to spiral out of control, we'll be downgraded further to "Great Britain."
JEERS to stupid damn wars. On this date in 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial—a vee shape which points at the State Department—was dedicated. Our suggestion for the shape of the future Iraq War Memorial: a "W" on a spindle that points accusingly in the direction of wherever George W. Bush is at any given moment.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Who wants this job? 😊 pic.twitter.com/VIbWSx0Wt0 — Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) November 7, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to famous firsts. 59 years ago this week, in 1964, Ohio-born Paula Murphy—still with us at 95—set a female land speed record while behind the wheel of the 10,000 horsepower "Avenger." Her top speed as she tore across a Utah salt flat (with a pillow behind her so she could reach the pedals): 243.44 mph.
A freaking jet engine on wheels.
And to answer your question: yes, she got the parking space.
CHEERS to news so stupendous we have to bury it down here to keep from blowing up this blog. The news broke last week, but I had to be sure…I mean really sure that it wasn't just a Russian disinformation campaign. But, by god, it's authentic. And one day you'll tell your children about it, and their children will tell their children, and great monuments to this Herculean achievement will appear across the country and even the world. Because as of this week…
WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN COSTCO! WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN COSTCO! WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN COSTCO! WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN COSTCO! WE'RE GETTING OUR OWN COSTCO!
And God said, Let there be everyday low discount prices; and there were everyday low discount prices, and God saw it was good, and signed up for a membership forever and ever. Amen.
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15 years ago in C&J—DOUBLE PLAY! November 13, 2008:
RUH ROH to close encounters of the evil kind. If you believe in the power of prayer beads, keep 'em in your grasp until you hear the outcome of this: Joe Biden and his wife Jill will—[gulp!]—visit the demonically-possessed Vice President's residence today. I'm not sure what Joe and Darth Cheney will accomplish, since the sound of all the document shredders will prevent them from hearing each other.
CHEERS to going solo. President-elect Barack Obama's career as a Senator officially comes to an end Sunday. Reason: he says he wants to spend more time with his family. All 310 million of us.
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And just one more…
JEERS to partly sunny skies with a chance of flying blubber. Ever wonder why no one blows up dead whales anymore? Great question! On November 13, 1970, the Oregon Highway Division, which apparently controls what goes on down at the shoreline too, thought they could get rid of a rotting beached whale by "vaporizing it" with dynamite and turning it into bite-size snacks for the local blubber-eating wildlife. But it didn’t quite turn out that way. Behold our annual play-by-play of the "exploding whale incident," which features some of the most hilarious news copy I’ve ever heard outside of a sitcom, delivered to perfection by reporter Paul Linnman:
x YouTube Video
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Join us next week when we'll explain why they don’t do turkey drops anymore, either.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "There might be some method to Bill in Portland Maine's madness. But to anybody who knows anything about kiddie pools, Cheers and Jeers is ludicrous. —Aaron Ettinger, Carleton University
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[END]
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