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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-11-01
Today’s Lesson in Foreign Policy
Via The Daily Show’s intrepid MAGA whisperer Jordan Klepper comes more proof that there is no furniture of their own making that the cultists won’t bump into:
x Will the real military generals please stand up? pic.twitter.com/1BMHXhpyXH — The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) October 30, 2023
Saaaaaa-lute.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 1, 2023
Note: Please don’t commit violent crimes. A friendly message from everybody in the USA but Republicans.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til we turn our clocks back: 4
Days 'til the Hometown Homegrown food fest in Pittsburgh: 3
Number of auto workers who were off the job at the peak of the strike: 46,000
Wage increase agreed to between the UAW and Big 3 automakers: 25%
Expected rate of inflation in December, according to economists at Goldman Sachs: 2.4%
Amount President Biden announced he was allocating to fix our aging electric grid, including three new interstate power lines: $1.3 billion
Amount of snow that fell at Denver Airport over the weekend: 7.5"
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 5 plagues and 1 less MAGA nitwit to worry about). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Making a joyful noise…
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CHEERS to November! Thirty days of madcap madness: Veterans' Day, Guy Fawkes Day, Dia de los Muertos, Dag van de Dynastie, Dia de la Revolucion Mexicana, St. Andrew's Day, Buss und Bettag (50% off strudel 'til 4pm), Thanksgiving (the 23rd), and the full “Beaver Moon” (the 27th), but not before we turn our clocks back this weekend.
It's an “off-year” election, but Republicans can do a ton of damage if Democrats don’t turn out. So please do.
If the polls are as off as they usually are, Democrats will defy all expectations and media narratives to preserve democracy in this year’s elections. Oh, and maybe Trump’s trial judges will defy all expectations, too, and he’ll end up seeing the inside of a jail cell for violating his various gag orders for the hundredth time.
Not to alarm anyone, but America runs out of money on the 17th. I’m sure the Republicans in Congress will save us. They’re the grown-up party, you know.
If we survive all that, open enrollment for Obamacare will continue for the coming year until January 15th. (But if you want coverage to start on Jan. 1 the deadline is Dec, 15.) As for November movies, Ridley Scott’s Napoleon (that Phoenix fella plays the little corporal) and Alexander Payne’s The Holdovers with Paul Giamatti appear to be popcorn-worthy sure bets.
Howard Dean and Guru Nanak celebrate another birthday, and Scorpio turns the reins over to Sagittarius on the 23rd. Busy month! Pass the Red Bull—and then someone tell me where the hell summer went.
JEERS to stupid obligations. I’m told by my creative consultants that in order to remain topical and relevant I need to regularly mention Israel, Palestine, and Hamas in my posts, no matter how risky that might be. Okay...I guess:
Israel. Palestine. Hamas.
And now I’m being told by my creative consultants that, having posted that atrociously-inflammatory rhetoric, I need to retain the services of a bodyguard and buy more fire insurance. Both of which they offer for a “reasonable monthly fee.” I feel had.
JEERS to today's edition of Nobody Could've Predicted. Another revelation from 2023's worst domestic gun massacre that took place just up the road from us in Lewiston. This says it all about both the state of gun control and our mental health system in this country:
Army, Police Knew About Maine Mass Shooter's Concerning Behavior The Army recently determined that the gunman should not have access to firearms. Authorities in Maine spent Monday piecing together the events that led to the worst mass shooting in the state’s history — with the gunman’s record of interaction with police and warning signs involving mental illness and violent threats emerging as key threads. Those same authorities are facing growing scrutiny over how the shooter was able to keep his guns and remain on the street despite exhibiting signs that he might commit violent acts.
This has been today's edition of Nobody Could've Predicted.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Wheat noodles are produced mainly from flour, water and salt: this is one process used to make them, drying or frying them on a large rotating pan.pic.twitter.com/s21x1vDw3P — Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) October 30, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to Republican shills on the bench. On November 1, 1991, Clarence "Hellooo!!! Did Somebody Say Porn??" Thomas took his place as associate justice on the Supreme Court. In 32 years, he's barely uttered a sound from his perch. But a dozen years ago his tea-party activist wife, before she helped plan the Jan. 6 insurrection (but after she and hubbie courted their favorite Nazi-obsessed American billionaires to lavish them with lives of luxury in exchange for favorable rulings from the bench), apparently made up for all that silence by making creepy, harassing phone calls to Anita Hill from inside her liquor cabinet. That's the great thing about marriage: teamwork.
CHEERS to happy returns. Dropping back to Earth from space is never a sure thing, so welcome back home:
Three Chinese astronauts returned to Earth on Tuesday morning after six months aboard China’s orbiting space station. Jing Haipeng, Zhu Yangzhu and Gui Haichao emerged in good health from the return capsule near the Jiuquan Satellite Launch Center on the edge of the Gobi Desert, the official Xinhua News Agency said.
Naturally, the experience of being in space has prompted a lot of questions. Like, what's it like up there? And how was the food? And China has a space station???
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Ten years ago in C&J: November 1, 2013
CHEERS to the new kid. Yesterday's swearing-in of Cory Booker—who's filling the late Frank Lautenberg's seat—as the junior senator from New Jersey went smoothly, if you don't count VP Joe Biden inviting senior New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez to join him by saying, "C'mon up here, Frank…Bob." (Carol, Ted, Alice, whatever.) And now that the deed is done, we'll wait and see if Senator Booker will be as cozy with Wall Street as some people fear, or if he'll be a down-the-line progressive working on behalf of the poor and middle class as we all hope. But we do know that at least one happy soul is giving him an A+ for his first day in office: the cat he saved who'd been stuck up in a Capitol tree since 2005.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the lexicon of our lives. Linguistics experts like to say that sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can never hurt us. This is true with the exception of words that are forged out of razor-sharp steel letters, dipped in curare, and hurled like throwing stars at the exposed flesh of their victims. Now that we're clear on that technicality, the Merriam-Webster dictionary would like you to meet its latest new words and/or definitions for existing words. Here are some from the list. Master them and in no time you'll be tossing word salads like a pro:
ngl: not gonna lie; not going to lie rizz: romantic appeal or charm doomscroll: to spend excessive time online scrolling (see scroll entry2) through news or other content that makes one feel sad, anxious, angry, etc. ’grammable: suitable to be posted on the Instagram photo-sharing service : Instagrammable Glad this isn’t on their list again. thirst trap: a photograph (such as a selfie) or video shared for the purpose of attracting attention or desire crate-dig: to shop for rare, vintage, or obscure recordings especially by searching through crates of secondhand merchandise girlboss: an ambitious and successful woman (especially a businesswoman or entrepreneur) rage quit: to suddenly stop participating or engaging in (something) in a fit of anger and frustration chef’s kiss: a gesture of satisfaction or approval made by kissing the fingertips of one hand and then spreading the fingers with an outward motion — often used interjectionally
Ngl: I turned on my rizz to doomscroll for a ‘grammable thirst trap, but ended up crate-digging for my girlboss, which made me rage quit'. Leaving that rat trap felt... [Chef’s kiss!]
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Bill in Portland Maine's Unfavorable Rating Surges In Cheers and Jeers Kiddie Pool As Splashers Get To Know Him —Mediaite
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[END]
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