(C) Daily Kos
This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered.
. . . . . . . . . .
Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
[]
Date: 2023-09-28
Important Shutdown Instructions
Well, ladies and gentlemen of the United States of America, the Republicans you pay to serve in your federal government have apparently decided that we all must suffer because…um…because we all must suffer. Yes, the government shutdown looks likely to begin Saturday and continue until who knows when. As a public service, here are some pointers to get you through it:
DO: remain calm DON'T: kick the cat DO: openly express disgust with the actions of the House MAGA cult DON'T: go on a solo multi-state bank robbing spree until you read the next line DO: pick me up so I can join you on your multi-state bank robbing spree DON'T: forget to gas up the car first DO: bring enough snacks for both of us DON'T: tell anyone that our guns are carved out of bars of soap and made to look real with black shoe polish
Plus DON'T try to fly, eat, drink, pee, get educated, get healthy, serve in the military, be a woman or a child or a senior, get a weather forecast, or feel safe. Also the pope wants to come with us to rob banks, so bring an extra bar of soap and stocking mask.
P.S. Don't worry about Congress—they still get to keep their salary, health insurance, pension, parking spot and diamond-encrusted lapel pins. Because, hey, let's not get crazy.
Thank you and have a good day.
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 28, 2023
Note: No time for a note. A car alarm is going off and I must call 911 now before the perpetrator absconds with the vehicle and… Oops, too late. Okay, back to our note, then: today’s special in the C&J cafeteria is gekko fritters with slaw and croutons. Add 50 cents for sauteed gnat legs.
-
By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til Indigenous Peoples Day: 11
Days 'til the 173rd Fryeburg Fair in Maine: 3
Number of states joining the federal government in suing Amazon for abusing its economic dominance and harming fair competition: 17
Number of fentanyl pills confiscated by the DEA so far this year, according to the Justice Department: 55 million
Amount JP Morgan Chase will pay the Virgin Islands over a lawsuit related to Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking operation: $75 million
Amount fetched at auction for a pair of balcony tickets to Ford's Theater the night of Lincoln's assassination: $262,500
Age of actor David McCallum (The Man From U.N.C.L.E., NCIS) when he died this week: 90
-
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Jimmy Carter needs no defense from me. The man is enough to give Christianity a good name. Following the Christian doctrine of works as well as faith, he has done immeasurable good in the world, and no mean-spirited attack from a petty pundit [like Bob Novak] can diminish him. The only reason I bother to note Novak's nastiness is because it left such a bad taste with me. I was traveling on the West Coast that day, and all through the airports and in cabs and hotels, people were saying to one another with real pleasure: "Jimmy Carter got the Nobel Peace Prize. Isn't that nice?" A genuine piece of good news in a world with little of it lately. Even the right-wing Wall Street Journal managed a negative editorial on what it feels are the inadequacies of Carter's approach without demeaning the man or his accomplishments. The implicit criticism of President Bush in the Nobel Committee's selection (made explicit by the chairman) should not detract from this recognition of how long and how hard Jimmy Carter has worked for peace and human rights. I think he is an invaluable asset to the nation. Like Nelson Mandela, he has unique stature, and wherever he goes to help with an election or to try to work out a problem, he is welcomed and listened to. In this season when the dogs of pre-emptive war are running loose, it is good to hear Carter pointing out the obvious: that we would be better off working with the rest of the world to disarm Saddam Hussein rather than annihilating his whole country. —October 2002 Jimmy turns 99 on Sunday.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Across the pond, Scruff hits the bottle….
-
CHEERS to undoing what was undone after it was done the first time. Not one member of the 45th president's administration could be categorized as anything but asshole-ish. But for sheer smugness, it was hard to top the ever-smirking FCC chairman Ajit Pai, who took particular glee in reversing the Obama administration's net neutrality rules that briefly leveled the internet's playing field. This morning I hope he's crying salty conserva-tears in his giant smug mug as he reads this:
The US government aims to restore sweeping regulations for high-speed internet providers such as AT&T, Comcast and Verizon, reviving “net neutrality” rules for the broadband industry—and an ongoing debate about the internet’s future. Jessica Rosenworcel rallying to keep net neutrality in 2017. The proposed rules from the Federal Communications Commission will designate internet service—both the wired kind found in homes and businesses as well as mobile data on cellphones—as “essential telecommunications” akin to traditional telephone services, said FCC Chairwoman Jessica Rosenworcel. The rules would ban internet service providers (ISPs) from blocking or slowing down access to websites and online content. […] “President Biden supports net neutrality so that large corporations can’t pick and choose what content you can access online or charge you more for certain content,” said Hannah Garden-Monheit, special assistant to the president for economic policy.
Republicans say they plan to express their outrage at the reinstatement of net neutrality rules in a sternly-worded fax, just as soon as they can remember which side goes down.
CHEERS to the reason New Yorkers are all smiles this week. Breaking: local shitbag mobster finally gets his comeuppance:
In a scathing order issued Tuesday, Justice Arthur Engoron ordering the cancellation of the Trump Organization's business certificates in New York after finding that Trump and his co-defendants engaged in "persistent fraud" by inflating the value of his assets. […] I call dibs on the… Ick, on second thought, hard pass. Tuesday's order, granting partial summary judgment, severely restricts Trump's ability to conduct business in New York going forward. Engoron wrote in the order that Trump, his adult sons, Eric and Don Jr., and the other defendants fraudulently inflated the value of properties including Trump's Mar-A-Lago estate in Florida and his own triplex apartment in New York City, as well as 40 Wall Street, Trump Park Avenue, multiple golf courses, and an estate in upstate New York.
If he has to relinquish control of Trump Tower, I suggest it be converted to apartments exclusively for LGBTQ Muslim immigrant union members.
CHEERS to pushing back at the Puritans and their silly clothes. Drag shows are harmless wacky entertainment, so naturally the MAGA cult's leadership has to target them for extinction. Funny thing, though: it turns out the Constitution loves nothing more than wrapping itself in a feather boa, planting a big ol' tiara on its head, and swishing onstage to the delight of democracy lovers everywhere:
A federal judge has issued a permanent injunction against a Texas bill that restricted "sexually oriented performances" and has been criticized for limiting public drag performances in the state. U.S. District Judge David Hittner said the law is an "unconstitutional restriction on speech" and "violates the First Amendment as incorporated to Texas by the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution." The ruling is a rare—very rare—win for Rudy. A similar law in Tennessee, the first state to restrict drag performances in public, was also blocked and ruled unconstitutional. "LGBTQIA+ Texans, venue owners, performers, and our allies all came together to uphold free expression in our state—and we won," the ACLU of Texas said in asocial media post. "This work isn’t done but for now we celebrate. Long live Texas drag!"
"Phew—dodged a bullet," said Ken Paxton while showing off his new sparkle garters on Zoom for his latest mistress.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
x Manatees are some of the most demanding babies at SeaWorld Orlando, needing 24-hour round the clock care.
This clip by Michael George shows how you feed a newborn one.pic.twitter.com/bD8Trq8zOk — Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) September 26, 2023
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to great inventions. 177 years ago this week, in 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether as an anesthesia for the first time. It worked really well. But he had even better success the next day when he used it on the patient.
CHEERS to a creative tsunami. Sweet Jesus, the writers strike is over. It's really over! And C&J has acquired the first scene of the first new TV script to be cranked out under the new contract:
BESS opens door: Mom! You're in bed with a goat!! HARRIETT, smoking cigarette, shrugs: Well, I was lonely and he's got your late father's eyes. [Cue: laugh track] BESS: And his morning breath! Ewww! [Cue: laugh track] HARRIETT: Don’t knock it. He makes a chicken tortellini to DIE for. [Cue: laugh track] GOAT, chewing bedspread: Bleet! Bleet! Bleeeet!!! [Cue: laugh track] [Cue: applause] [Fade to black, cut to commercial]
How did we ever get along without them?
-
Ten years ago in C&J: September 28, 2013
JEERS to our little deep-fryer we call home. I honestly don't know why the animals don't rise up and slaughter us in our sleep. The U.N.'s latest climate change report is out, and humanity is as parasitic as ever because…
….it is “extremely likely” human beings are the main drivers for the rise in temperatures recorded around the world over the last 50 years—the strongest words the panel has used to describe the effect humans are having on the planet. … “Warming of the climate system is unequivocal, and since the 1950s, many of the observed changes are unprecedented over decades to millennia,” the researchers wrote in the report. “The atmosphere and ocean have warmed, the amount of snow and ice have diminished, sea level has risen, and the concentrations of greenhouse gases have increased.”
To put it another way: we've set our planet's oven setting from "warm" to "broil." The only question now is: are we going to turn it back down or rip the knob off? Quick…somebody snatch the pliers out of George Will's hand. [9/28/23 Update: Turns out we instead decided to douse the oven in gasoline and set it on fire. For we are an advanced species.]
-
And just one more…
JEERS to the attack of the million-email army. Gird your loins—the political fundraising operations will be cranked up to “11” the rest of the week. Yes, these are the last days of the quarter and political candidates from every nook and cranny of the nookandcrannysphere are going to be turning you upside down and shaking you until some loose change eventually falls out of your pockets. Even during this off year, you’ll get a torrent of email appeals, each with an increasingly-urgent subject line. As a public service, C&J offers you a preview of what you can expect if you don’t have your spam filter set to "nukular":
Hey! Only 48 hours left to hit our goal! Hey! Only 24 hours left to hit our goal! Oh no! Only 18 hours left to hit our goal! Help! Only minutes left to hit our goal! We're down to seconds now! My campaign manager is having chest pains. Give now! Now I'm having chest pains! Fork it over! Oh god, not another one! If I lose this race it's your fault for not giving! Puddle of tears! It's all over! I will club a baby seal if you don’t give NOW, you stingy bastard! WE HATE YOU!!! Sorry about that last subject line. But dammit, we need your donation or we’re going to have to sell the campaign Volvo! Bags packed. Headed for ice floe. All is lost. We can’t feel our toes. Polar bear ate ‘em.
Followed by Saturday's headline: WE DID IT! THANK YOU! WE'RE GONNA WIN THIS THING! (Yeah, I'll cry—I love happy endings.)
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Axios Can Now Confidently Report That Bill in Portland Maine Wears Kiddie Pool Waders —Wonkette
-
[END]
---
[1] Url:
https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/9/28/2195650/-Cheers-and-Jeers-Thursday
Published and (C) by Daily Kos
Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified.
via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds:
gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/
