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Privileged, first world crying [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2023-09-22

Written 04/25/2022

phezisms

As I said before we can’t handle simple things so of course how can I expect people to care about kids dying. And of course I had my mental health breakdown today. Panic attack or anxiety attack or rage attack or just typical bullshit attack. No one cares. And no one should.

Mental health is beyond important, teens are killing themselves and gun suicides are skyrocketing. It’s getting insane but no one cares.

So no one should care about my bullshit. But there is something about wanting someone to care isn’t there. You really want people to care but you also don’t want people to think you care. Getting off social media was the best decision I’ve made in awhile. But I still felt the need to write on this website. Sure I have no followers but is this just my feeble attempt to get someone to care about my whining? Jesus how privileged and pathetic is it possible for me to sound.

It’s embarrassing and horrifying how pathetic I really am. I don’t even know why. Yeah everyone says I hate myself and I hate my life. I think I truly do though like deep to my core. I’m not good enough for myself or anyone or this planet.

Hey at least I have shelter and food. Basic needs met. Millions of kids don’t have that. But yeah let’s ban abortions. I’m so fucking sick of it. It does truly seem pointless. And I dare to want peoples short time on this rock to have basic needs met, god I’m such a stupid socialist. So stupid.

Don’t they know all they have to do is have different parents? Or they need better jobs. Or they should have thought about that before they had sex. Hey it’s just millions of kids that die huh? WHO CARES.

Crying in my car ain’t helping kids. My measly monthly donations don’t help, it’s hard to imagine they even make the slightest difference. I’m not going to adopt, I’d be a horrible, shitty parent or maybe not but I don’t want to. Is that selfish? Am I a whiny little bitch? Maybe I should adopt then! Maybe I wish I had been born a better person. Someone who could handle the horror everyday.

So if I’m not going to adopt and not going to change my pathetic life, then I need to shut the fuck up. And I guess if I don’t want to feel like shut constantly I have to accept that I am not what I think I should be. And perhaps I don’t care either. Maybe I like to pretend I do and do some donating because it makes me feel better. But I’m still not on the streets helping, I’m too busy indulging in my own pathetic hobbies.

I’m getting a third degree in business administration with accounting as focus. Why? No clue. I truly have no idea what I’m gonna do next. No clue. I try to remember when all my hopes and dreams died probably around 2014. They are dead. I have no goals. No hopes. Nothing. I just want to read more and I wish I was a super hero so I could do horrible things to horrible people and nice things to nice people. “Even small differences matter”, yes on the micro level. Not the macro though. You need money and power for it to make that difference.

I get my meds checked every few months and they always ask about SI and HI. I tried to explain to them but yes I basically have those thoughts constantly all the time. It never ends. Do I have specific plans? No. Because I know I wouldn’t get away with it. It’s a constant cloud following me around . That’s how I use to describe my depression, or loneliness or worthlessness or uselessness or whatever, just some black cloud following me Around.

When I actually think of it too I always think of how I would do it and no one would have to lift a finger to deal with it. Or how could I possible get away with it?

Oh boo hoo I’m a privileged white American asshole who has their basic needs met and more, poor me. God I made myself sick. Gotta go hurl again and write more words in blood words on tombstones.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/9/22/2192564/-Privileged-first-world-crying

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