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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2023-08-31
Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment
Can’t let the week go by without wishing a happy birthday (her 79th, yesterday) to the late, great shit-kicking journalist Molly Ivins. When one of her columns came out, including the one where she noted that Daily Kos was one of her favorite go-to web sites, time would stand still as I hoovered up her wit, political insight, and righteous anger. And when she released a book I’d run over any number of old ladies to buy it. She left us 16 years ago, but her Texas sass has lost none of its bite. A few gems on various topics, each observation as relevant as ever:
[A]pproximately one fourth of all fertilized eggs are swept out on the menstrual tide before they even get near to implanting themselves in the uterine wall, and we do not hold funerals over Kotex or Tampax. I suggest to you this means that the beginning of life is not a single specific event, but rather a process that deserves increasing respect as it continues toward birth—precisely the tripartite system set up under Roe v. Wade (and if you hear Roe v. Wade described as "abortion on demand," you are listening to a liar). I respect those who oppose abortion, but I do not think they have a right to use the law as an instrument of coercion against people who do not believe (and it is a matter of faith) as they do. ... There were an estimated one million abortions a year in this country before Roe. Abortion can be safe and legal, or dirty and illegal. It cannot be stopped.
—From Who Let the Dogs In? (2004, Random House)
Continued...
“Jimmy Carter was a president the press just never cottoned to. Like the senators during the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings, they just didn’t get it. Actually it was pretty simple. Jimmy Carter has been out of office for thirteen years now. And every day for thirteen years, that man has gone out and behaved like a good Christian—for no money. Because that's who he is, and that's what he always was. But that was too simple for Power Town.”
—July, 1994 Molly at her desk at The Texas Observer. Try to refrain from insulting Republicans en masse. A good start would be, "You know, it was mostly the ones under indictment that hurt you."
—Molly's Rules of Sportsmanship, October, 2006 “I say unto you, you do not know what courage is until you have sat in the basement of a Holiday Inn in Fritters, Alabama, with seven brave souls, led by a librarian, who are fixing to form a chapter of the Ay Cee Ell You. They are always driven to this extreme by local pinheads who not only don’t get the Bill of Rights but are eager to trash it. I have been called in through the American Library Association on some bizarre cases: say, the local Christian fundamentalists have decided talking animals are satanic, and consequently, they demand The Three Little Pigs, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and The Wind in the Willows be removed from the town library.”
—From Bill of Wrongs (2007, Random House) One more Texas sign in front of a pharmacy: GENERIC PROZAC NOW IN, GOD BLESS AMERICA.
—November, 2001 The classic pic that accompanied her columns. “I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle.”
—May, 1995 “Politics is not a picture on a wall or a television sitcom you can decide you don’t much care for. Is the person who prescribes your eyeglasses qualified to do so? How deep will you be buried when you die? What textbooks are your children learning from at school? What will happen if you become seriously ill? Is the meat you're eating tainted? Will you be able to afford to go to college or to send your kids? Would you like a vacation? Expect to retire before you die? Can you find a job? Drive a car? Afford insurance? Is your credit card company or your banker or your broker ripping you off? It's all politics, Bubba. You don’t get to opt out for lack of interest.”
—October, 2002
And, of course, her for-the-ages reaction to Pat Buchanan's 1992 Republican convention speech: "It probably sounded better in the original German."
Happy birthday, Molly. And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, August 31, 2023
Note: Here's the schedule for next week. C&J will be off Monday so that we can sharpen our snow shovel blades, pre-salt the sidewalks, pre-make our emergency winter pots of clam chowder, and then get arrested for wearing white after Labor Day. Back Tuesday to boast about how my new orange jumpsuit matches this blog.
—Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
7 days!!!
Days 'til the 2024 Paris Olympics: 330
Days 'til the Niagara County Peach Festival in New York: 7
Amount by which waters in the Gulf of Mexico have been warmer than usual this year: 2 F
Current number of job openings, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics: 8.8 million
Amount for which the 1941 Plymouth Super Deluxe Business Coupe driven by Senator Margaret Chase Smith sold at auction: $15,000
Mileage on the odometer: 24,163
Percent chance that Francis Suarez is the first MAGA candidate to drop out of the 2024 race: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In East Haven, Connecticut……Saved!!!
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JEERS to schadenfreude delayed. Well, poo on U.S. District Judge Tim Kelly and his less-than-perfect immune system. The sentencing of domestic terrorist leader Henry Tarrio didn’t happen yesterday:
x UPDATE: Proud Boy leader Henry "Enrique" Tarrio's sentencing hearing originally slated for today, has been rescheduled to Sept. 5 at 2PM.
Per the US Marshal: Judge Kelly is sick today. — Brandi Buchman (@Brandi_Buchman) August 30, 2023
Rest easy, Judge Kelly. I’ll handle this one: I sentence Mr. Tarrio to….oh, let’s say 800 consecutive life sentences, with eligibility for parole approximately five minutes before the earth gets swallowed up by the sun. Anyone have a pen? I think I gotta sign some documents now. And probably do some initialing. And rubber-stamping. [Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham!] Can’t forget the rubber-stamping.
CHEERS to today's edition of Aww, That's Just Too Bad. Via Mediaite:
Conservative web sites took a major traffic hit in July compared to performance numbers from a year ago, according to a report published by TheRighting. The outlet, which tracks the most-viewed right-wing websites, reported that three-quarters of the 20 outlets it regularly monitors lost traffic in July. The biggest losses were felt by The Federalist, Daily Signal, and the Washington Free Beacon.
This has been today's edition of Aww, That's Just Too Bad.
CHEERS to packin' up the station wagon and leaving Walley World. Two years ago this week the deed was done. Marked in the history books. Having triumphed in every possible way, including destroying the last remnants of the Taliban, al Qaeda, ISIS, and Chik-Fil-A, the United States of America withdrew from—[checks notes]—Afghanistan with its head held high. My recollection: A nation was built. A free society was born. $2.3 trillion was spent with utmost care and transparency. The world could do little that late September morning but cast their jealous eyes upon our greatness as we prepared to welcome our men and women in uniform back home with thunderous applause, ticker-tape parades, brass bands, all-you-can-eat buffets, balloon animals for the kids, and an approval rating for the Biden administration north of 90 percent. The sun shone high and the flowers all re-bloomed. And all was right again as Johnny and Jenny come marching home again, hurrah, hurrah. And in other news, my mom dropped me on my head when I was a baby.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Fireflies produce a "cold light" without infrared or ultraviolet frequencies using special organs in their abdomen where the enzyme luciferase binds to luciferin in the presence of oxygen, magnesium ions, and ATP.
📹:Radim Schreiberpic.twitter.com/lBG8IWAAdC — Wonder of Science (@wonderofscience) August 29, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to seeing things close-up. On this date in 1842, the U.S. Naval Observatory was created by an act of Congress. Their first weekly report was brief: "We see London. We see France. We see President Tyler's underpants! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!" Now you know why he scowled so much.
CHEERS to being a very busy boy. In the interest of keeping you up on the various trials (4) and charges (91) against the 45th President of the United States, C&J is now keeping tabs on the most important dates you need to know as the vise of justice begins squeezing his giant head down to a size where he can fit it through the neck hole of an orange jumpsuit. Here you go:
September 6…October 23...March 4…March 25…May 20
We'll update the list as more court dates are announced. And there will be many more court dates—so many beautiful and perfect court dates that you'll soon be bored with all the court dating. Believe me.
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Ten years ago in C&J: August 31, 2013
JEERS to careening down the slip 'n slide of insanity. Today we got a fresh snapshot of where the American people stand regarding likely U.S. missile strikes on Syria in retaliation for that country's chemical-weapon strike on its own people. Apparently 4-out-of-5 of us want President Obama to get permission first from Congress. Yes—the same Congress whose judgment has been so disturbingly dismal that its approval rating is close to falling into single digits with those same American people. But public whiplash aside, in this case I'm with the 79 percenters. I think Congress should get involved in deciding whether or not to blow up Assad's country. It'll distract 'em from trying to blow up ours.
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And just one more…
CHEERS and JEERS to feeling the wind in your hair. Thanks to whoever had the audacity to—against our explicit instructions, mind you—blink on Memorial Day, we find ourselves a millisecond later on the doorstep of Labor Day. (I hope you're happy, mystery blinker.) If you'll be ridin' the roads or the rails or the unfriendly skies this weekend, here's the annual outlook from the looker-outers at Triple-A:
AAA booking data for flights, hotels, rental cars, and cruises shows Labor Day weekend travel is up over last year: domestic bookings are up 4% and international bookings are up 44%. Drivers taking road trips this Labor Day weekend will likely see gas prices similar to last year. The national average for a gallon of regular was $3.78 on Labor Day 2022. Ugh...holiday travel is the pits. INRIX, a global provider of transportation data and insights, expects Thursday, August 31 between 2 p.m. and 6 p.m. to be the busiest time on the roads during the long Labor Day weekend. Friday, September 1 is also expected to have higher than normal traffic volumes between 11 a.m. and 9 p.m.
And don’t forget, kids: no matter how you get from Point A to Point B, "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" is still your parents' faaaaavorite traveling song, so be sure to sing it often and all the way through!
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "If you’re looking to cry, if you’re looking to think about life, don’t listen to hip-hop… Whenever I want to cry, whenever I want to sit down and have a nice cry, I’ll read some Cheers and Jeers.” —Post Malone
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[END]
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