(C) Daily Kos
This story was originally published by Daily Kos and is unaltered.
. . . . . . . . . .



An Agnostic's Prayer To The Evangelicals' God [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2023-08-24

Note: this admittedly dubious piety, in a somewhat different form, appeared as a comment on someone else’s diary. There was some suggestion that it could constitute a diary of its own, so here it is. My first.

The immediate occasion for publishing this was the rather excellent diary The Terrifying Book of Revelation Has ‘Affected Our World in Ways You Might Not Expect’ by Bill Berkowitz.

I had a title image ready (a screen grab from Apocamon) but sadly it seems to be under copyright rather than a less restrictive license.

Ahem. Is this thing on?

Er.

Dear Lord,

I'm well aware that this prayer is an unlikely thing for me to issue. Certainly, from my side, it's more than a little awkward. I suppose it might even come as something of a surprise to You: I've never tried prayer, and to be honest I've never believed in You.

To be even more honest, I still don't. Still, I might be wrong! You can perhaps interpret this as a variant on Pascal's Wager (I believe that's a Catholic thing, so if it is out of place—I am, after all, addressing You in Your specific capacity as God (or should it properly be Gawd?) of the Evangelical Christian denominations—please allow me to retract the mention. I am obviously very new at this.)

Lord, I come to You with as much humility and faith as I can muster. It's a delicate balancing act, especially since my faith in You is… notional at this time. Still, I'm hoping that the emotional sincerity of my request might weigh in favor of Your consideration of my petition.

What I'm asking for, Lord, is that You bring forward the date of the Rapture. To be clear, I speak of the Rapture described in SFnal detail in Scripture, and well known to Your faithful. (Forgive me, Lord, that I do not have a reference chapter and verse immediately available, but if You do exist after all, I feel safe in leaving the bibliology in Your merciful hands.)

How soon am I requesting the Rapture? Well, I'm flexible. Inconveniencing Your calendar is the last thing I wish to do, Lord. Can we perhaps pencil in a time a couple of months out?

It surely seems strange that an agnostic might make such a bold and arguably intemperate request. However, Lord, You are doubtless aware of the strain of contemporary thought that holds it to be of practical benefit for those Left Behind should the Rapture actually occur. (The levity—indeed, mockery—inherent in the crass popular slogan, "When the Rapture comes, we get all their stuff" hopefully does not obscure the salience of the underlying theological issue.)

And, to be sure, Lord, it is indeed practical benefit I seek! Albeit at a level less materialistic.

We are at a pivotal time in our existence as a Nation—not just any nation but Your flagship nation (omitting for the sake of brevity Uganda), as some of Your faithful would have it. We recently had a General Election in which seventy-odd million Americans voted for Donald Trump for President. Even if You, in Your mysterious way, find Mr. Trump likable or at least somehow acceptable (despite his flagrant flouting of the majority of the precepts You have enunciated for human moral behavior), I beseech You, O Lord, to consider the plight of those of us ineligible for Rapture:

We desperately need the American electorate culled before the 2024 election.

It is both evil and futile to wish for this to occur through such measures as plagues or violence or, well, any of the Four Horsemen really. Not only are those Horsemen figures of misery, suffering, and grief; they are all of them terribly blunt instruments, as likely to remove ordinary citizens as MAGA Republicans.

Do You see where I'm going with this, Lord?

The Rapture which You have ordained is far otherwise. It's an exquisitely precise and selective measure. It is also extremely well-adapted to the secular moral needs of the American body politic. The great majority of Evangelical Christians are Trump supporters, and they support him with a fervor and constancy that the rest of us find... threatening, frankly.

Some might question whether sending such people to their Reward in Heaven is "too good for them". There speaks, I suspect, a spiteful voice; a voice of retribution and vengeance. To me, Lord, this is a wonderful feature and no sort of bug. I wish these people no ill—in fact, Lord, I am wishing them well! I wish them the exact transcendental apotheosis (If I may use such terms in Your hearing; I really do not know; I don't think they are an accustomed part of Evangelical oratory) that they so profoundly desire!

So, as best I can apply a utilitarian moral calculus (if that's not too impious to be included in a prayer) here: everybody wins.

The majority of Evangelicals get what they want, and can sit in Heaven, at their ease in the seats of the scornful as they look down with smirks of holy self-justification upon the bitter and mortal struggles of the rest of us.

The rest of the Evangelicals—the ones whose faith does not conflict with secular morality—still come to Heaven to sit at Your side, in eternal bliss, just as do the bigoted numbers of the faithful. We would be happy to know that these, our sisters and brothers, our siblings who have found their way to You, are so well provided for. We'd miss them (Lord how we'd miss them) but our emotional loss cannot be granted too much weight in the larger moral scheme.

We, the Left Behind: The remaining non-Evangelical Republicans would be overwhelmingly outnumbered electorally. (OK Lord, trying to be scrupulously honest in my utilitarianism: the non-Evangelical Republicans don't "win", exactly. I think it more likely that they will experience a prolonged and aggravated Gigantic Pout. But You, who invented eggs, are surely also aware of omelets?)

We ethical non-Evangelicals would be less hindered by Republican presence in elections and school board meetings; for without the Evangelicals, Republicans would never win national elections, seldom win state-level elections, and only sporadically win local elections. Thus would we gain the ability to do good and needful works: works that the planet and its species (not least grievously faulty Homo Sapiens!) desperately need.

We would also be spared the guilt and sin which would be our portion if we found ourselves, in despair, tempted to remove the Trump-adjacent Evangelicals personally.

And You, Lord! You, who come last in my enumeration, are not last in my thoughts.

You would be able to enjoy the company of those whom You have personally elevated to Your side; for the company of the like-minded must be a joy and comfort even to You. (I believe Scripture amply supports this interpretation?)

On a subtler level, You would presumably appreciate the efforts we make to spare our dying Earth the ravages of Climate Change and war, with no interference from the now-Raptured Republican Evangelicals, who have sore afflicted us in our efforts to preserve the World's ecology.

How could this be of benefit to You, Lord?

Because the current actions of humanity are on track to effectively destroy the world long before Your prophesied Tribulation can run its course!

Lord… At the risk of sounding sycophantic: In my opinion, the Tribulation is a master stroke of mythic drama, right up there with the best in Your entire Book. I find it implausible that You would not want it to play out in its majesty as foretold.

One last thing, Lord. In defense of Your cherished MAGA-adjacent Evangelicals currently residing (to our sore discontent) among us: I am quite certain that this world-wrecking subversion of the Tribulation's timetable was the furthest thing from their thought, if such it may be called.

Please forgive them! Their efforts to speed the world's ruin in advance of Your design, as I say, were surely not directed to that end… I would hate to see my prayer for an early Rapture denied because I've raised this issue in Your hearing.

I'd hate to be responsible if Your almighty petulance wrath at their undercutting of Your Tribulation causes You to shun their company until later. I earnestly beg You to welcome them to Your side, rather than spending decades--or even centuries-- waiting.

We really do need this to happen soon.

So there You have it, Lord. May it please You to heed my modest prayer.

Amen.

[END]
---
[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/8/24/2189332/-An-Agnostic-s-Prayer-To-The-Evangelicals-God

Published and (C) by Daily Kos
Content appears here under this condition or license: Site content may be used for any purpose without permission unless otherwise specified.

via Magical.Fish Gopher News Feeds:
gopher://magical.fish/1/feeds/news/dailykos/