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Cheers and Jeers: Monday [1]
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Date: 2023-07-31
During the first seven months of 2023, the 118th Congress couldn’t hold a candle to the achievements of Speaker Pelosi’s mighty 116th and 117th before it. In a mad dash to throw some new laws onto the floor before they adjourned for their August recess (how very French of them), Speaker McCarthy scribbled some new bills on his cocktail napkin down at the gentlemen's club…
LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS ESTABLISHMENT ACT (1) A "LOVELY BUNCH" shall consist of (a) no less than three, and (b) no more than seven coconuts. (2) Penalty for violation is a maximum of (a) Three years in federal prison, (b) a $10,000 fine, and/or (c) deportation. THE LONELIEST NUMBER
(1) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do. (2) In certain situations two can be as bad as one because (2a) it's the loneliest number since the number one.
Continued...
PLAN DISCOVERY ACT OF 2023
(1) Ask where the Democrats’ plan is. (2) If asked where the Republicans’ plan is, see (1). HONEY, WHILE YOU'RE AT THE STORE DECLARATION
(1) We need (a) Milk, with (a1) not more than two percent milkfat and (a2) not less than 5 days remaining before the expiration date, (b) Eggs, (c) Twinkies, (d) All-Bran, without (d1) raisins, but with (d2) extra fiber, (e) Chicken, without (e1) the skin, and (e2) the bones, (f) Chiclets. (2) The penalty for forgetting any of these items will be (2a) a dirty look from the wife, and (2b) nooky cessation for two weeks. IKEA FURNITURE DEFINITION ACT
(1) All IKEA furniture shall (a) come packed in a cardboard box just large enough to not fit into any vehicle except the bed of a pickup truck, (b) come with a minimum of 89 loose parts, including (b1) a minimum of three missing parts that are considered (b1a) critical to the structural integrity of the piece, and (b2) a minimum of eight parts that belong to an entirely different model altogether. AVIARY CONUNDRUM ACT
(1) The egg came first. (2) And that's final or you're a commie.
Aren't we lucky he wields the gavel.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, July 31, 2023
Note: Great news! Blacksmiths can read C&J all week for 50 percent off the regular price. Just use promo code DESANTIS SAID WHAT? when you log in. Then prepare to cry into your leather aprons, anvil keepers, because trust me this column is going to “hammer” your funny bone! —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
3 days!!!
Days 'til Farmworker Appreciation Day: 6
Days 'til Maine's Bangor State Fair: 3
Increase in personal income in June: 0.3%
Percent chance that some Saguaro cactuses (the largest cactuses in the US) are dying in Phoenix because of the extreme heat: 100%
Number of African heads of state who showed up last week in St. Petersburg for a summit with Vladimir Putin, versus 43 heads of state during the previous summit in 2019: 17
Number of car crashes involving Ron DeSantis it took for people to realize that Ron DeSantis has been commandeering state vehicles for his personal presidential campaign: 1
Percent chance that the most popular anagram of Ron DeSantis is "sardine snot": 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In St. Louis…..Saved!!!
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CHEERS to Monday on Planet Earth. Good morning! As you're wiping the sleepies out of your eyes, let's take a little peek at the news and see where things stand as we prepare for another spin around the Monopoly board of life:
» The economy is humming along: inflation down, unemployment low, manufacturing soaring, 2nd-quarter GDP above forecasters' expectations. » Ukraine's counteroffensive is rope-a-dope on steroids, and even Russia is like, "Okay, okay, we get it—we're screwed." » The previous President of the United States, who oozes crime from the few remaining pores that aren't hopelessly clogged with spray-on tanner, is racking up an average of six new indictments every day. When his trials begin, he'll have to figure out how to be in four different courtrooms in four different states on the same day. » As President Biden continue demonstrating his competence and decency, the Republican presidential candidates are horrifying the American people as they openly feud over what they've decided is the most pressing issue in American life today: just how good the slaves really had it here. » The Dow Industrials just set the longest winning-streak record since 2017. » Barbie continues owning the MAGAs by raking in money at the box office as it continues smashing the patriarchy in the face with a hot-pink frying pan. » The ocean currents have stopped, the ice caps have melted, the planet's average temperature is now 397 F, the cockroaches and jellyfish have formed a governing coalition that will sweep all the human governments out of power by September and the first law they pass will outlaw air conditioning.
That's six good news stories and only one bad. Worth getting out of bed for, I'd say. Saddle up, we ride in five!
CHEERS to welcome visitors. Do you have any idea how many sitting U.S. presidents have visited the blue-collar town of Auburn, Maine since William Howard Taft dropped in for a round of golf in 1912? One. That's right, only ONE president since 1912 has cared enough about the rock-ribbed lunch bucket Americans of Auburn to drop by and press the flesh, kiss the babies, and make the womenfolk swoon. That president is champion-of-the-middle-class, man-of-the-people Joseph R. Biden. Last Friday he touched down while strapped into Jetpack One and showered the village folk with economic sunshine and a smile that turned frowns within a hundred-mile radius upside down…
At Auburn Manufacturing Inc., a maker of heat and fire-resistant textiles and fabrics, the president said wages are growing faster than inflation, which is at its lowest rate in two years. Dark Brandon brings the goods to Maine. “We now have more jobs than we had before the pandemic,” Biden said. “People are coming off the sidelines—unemployment is down and so is inflation.” […] After his half hour speech, Biden signed an "Invent It Here, Make it Here" executive order designed to boost domestic manufacturing, especially of new inventions and technologies, while streamlining the reporting of how federal research and development funds are spent. […] Biden said, “Folks, that’s Bidenomics. It’s about growing the economy, strengthening the middleclass, making things in America again.”
The president and Governor Janet Mills (D) were joined by three members of Maine's four-member congressional delegation: Sen. Angus King (I), and Reps. Chellie Pingree (D) and Jared Golden (Conserva-D). Senator Susan Collins was unable to join the group to celebrate the rebounding Maine economy, as she was busy making "concern calls" to the homes of the fascist Christian nationalist Federalist Society woman-hating drunks she voted to confirm during the Trump years, to make sure they've learned their lesson. (It's a long list.)
CHEERS to signature events. Yesterday marked the 58th anniversary of a milestone that reminds us what a Democratic president and solid Democratic majorities in Congress can accomplish—something that wasn't a slam dunk until late in the game. You know it, you love it, millions can't live without it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you MEDICARE...
The legislative logjam finally broke with the election of 1964, which swept LBJ into the White House behind large Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress. Shortly after that election, a breakthrough occurred when House Ways and Means Chairman Rep. Wilbur Mills (D-Ark.), who had previously blocked Medicare proposals, said, "I can support a payroll tax for financing health benefits just as I have supported a payroll tax for cash benefits." Johnson signs, Truman watches. When the long-stalled Medicare effort came before the 89th Congress in January 1965, congressional leaders designated the bills as H.R. 1 and S. 1. Despite determined resistance by organized medicine and some of its congressional allies, the Medicare bill moved forward. A Mills rewrite cleared the House on April 8 by 313-115. The Senate approved its version on July 9 by 68-21. A conference committee labored for more than a week in mid-July to reconcile 513 differences between the two chambers. At the [July 30] White House bill-signing ceremony, Johnson enrolled [Harry] Truman as the first Medicare beneficiary and presented him with the nation’s first Medicare card.
It'll be interesting to see what historians write in 2066 on the 56th anniversary of Obamacare, which adds another pillar of support to that Democratic Party-built structure and is still standing despite active Republican sabotage. I'm optimistic that with steady management and intelligent tweaking, it'll be deemed a success. Of course, the ultimate proof will be revealed in the number of GOP yahoos yelling, "Keep your government hands off my Affordable Care Act!" I think I may join them—I'll be 101 and it'll be a fine way to test out the battering ram on my motorized scooter.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to a little help from our friends. On July 31, 1777 (gosh, it seems like yesterday), the Marquis de Lafayette was made a major-general in the American Continental Army. He said that even though we had to "go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time," the British Army, now located in “Yorktown and Philadelphia and east, west, south and north somewhat,” was "in the last throes of the insurgency, if you will" because we had "turned a corner," and promised that after we won the War of Independence—based on a sensible "time horizon"—we'd be "greeted as liberators with sweets and flowers." Crazy French. Where do they come up with this stuff?
JEERS to the worst Uber ride ever. Bizarre happening up here last week in the peaceful hamlet of Old Orchard Beach, Maine. An arrest was made after a woman sleeping in the back seat of her car woke up to find that a strange man was driving it down the road. The woman said she grew suspicious that something was amiss when she was sleeping in the back seat of her car and woke up to find that a strange man was driving it down the road. Police praised her for her vigilance.
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 31, 2013
CHEERS to morning mazel tovs. Another milestone for the LGBT history books as the first same-sex marriage ceremonies will be performed at the stroke of midnight in Minnesota and, tomorrow, Rhode Island. The dominoes are falling so fast I can't keep count these days, but I think they're states #13 and #14 to openly defy God's Word and bring upon them a… (Please pick one in the state of your choice):
Minnesota
Swarm of Michele Bachmanns
Rainstorm of wild rice soup
Pox on their 10,000 lakes
Thousand-year curse on their International polka festival Rhode Island
Swarm of Elisabeth Hasselbecks
Rainstorm of hot wieners
Pox on their Narragansett Bay
Thousand-year curse on their Newport jazz festival
The fun and sentimentality of watching the events in a state on Day 1 of their marriage equality law taking effect will never get old. I'll be dabbing my eyes all day, I expect. So before I get all blubbery I'll just say two words: "Congratulations!" and "Pre-nup!"
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And just one more…
CHEERS to remembering that time when the Republicans were awesome!!! Yup—nine years ago today the House Intelligence Committee released the findings of their Benghazi investigation. And just like Trey Gowdy's "select committee" sideshow, what they found was a whole lotta nothin'…
…there was no deliberate wrongdoing by the Obama administration in the 2012 attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi, Libya, that killed Ambassador Chris Stevens and three other Americans, said Rep. Mike Thompson of St. Helena, the second-ranking Democrat on the committee. The Clay Bennett classic. The panel voted Thursday to declassify the report, the result of two years of investigation by the committee. U.S. intelligence agencies will have to approve making the report public. Thompson said the report" confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given."
As Joan McCarter noted at the time, Gowdy swore on a stack of Brylcreem that his committee's investigation—quoting here—"would be an objective search for facts, not a partisan attempt to smear Democrats ahead of the 2014 mid-term elections and the 2016 presidential race." And since his lips were moving at the time, naturally he was lying. Next time they gain control of the House, I'd suggest that House Democrats demand a select committee investigation into the select committee's investigation, and conduct it at an appropriate venue: under a circus tent.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Bill in Portland Maine quietly turning Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool into socialist splasher's paradise —Wonkette
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