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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2023-07-14
Wayback Weekend
While the studios continue being unnecessarily-greedy buttheads during the umpteenth week of the writers' strike, C&J dips its ladle into the comedy cauldron of yesteryear. Here are some of the haps from the sultry summer of 2009, when Barack Obama was looking back on the first six months of his presidency and my knees didn’t creak so damn much…
"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme—tried to assassinate President Gerald Ford—she's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska."
—David Letterman "In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down, and now we’re at 17."
—Conan O'Brien
Continued...
You are now below the fold. Please: swelter responsibly.
"The longest solar eclipse of the century was visible across Asia today, generating enormous excitement. Particularly in China, where people were trilled to finally see the sun blotted out by something other than the air."
—Stephen Colbert "Dick Cheney is writing his memoir. It's going to be called, To Kill a Mockingbird While Aiming at Your Lawyer. It'll be published by Satan and Schuster. Well, Schuster's not really involved."
—Craig Ferguson "The world's oldest man died. He was 113 and a leading voice of the Young Republicans."
—Bill Maher
And our favorite:
"Oh my God! Barack Obama's running the old Kenyan Prince Birth Announcement scam! Here's how it goes: You want to destroy America from the inside but you can't because you're a foreigner? First, you gotta find yourself a good ol' American to reproduce for you. Then, you have that child on foreign soil, while simultaneously placing the birth announcement of that child in one of our "fringe" state's local newspapers. ... And then, you wait until this baby is a middle-aged man. And, by god, it was just crazy enough to work. Now the trap is set—you just sit back and let that child go out and win the election for President of the United States. Now here's where the scam gets tricky; they can't just win the popular vote. He or she must have a strategy to win the electoral vote—that's what trips up most grifters. But if you pull it off, you and your puppet child can sit back and destroy the fabric of the country you both hate so much. It's almost too easy."
—Jon Stewart
Good times. And now, our feature presentation…
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 14, 2023
Note: 88888888888888888888888888888 Sorry about that. Had to clean some nacho cheese off my 8 key. All better now. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Starts today!!!
Days 'til the middle of summer: 23
Days 'til the California State Fair & Food Festival in Sacramento: 0!!!!!
Initial weekly unemployment claims announced yesterday by the Labor Dept., down 12,000 from the previous week and still the lowest in 50 years: 237,000
Percent of Democrats and MAGA cultists, respectively, polled by AP-NORC who believe that votes in the 2024 presidential election will be counted accurately: 71%, 22%
Amount that Gov. Doug Burgum (MAGA Cult-ND) is promising in gift cards to the first 50,000 people who contribute at least $1 to his presidential campaign in a desperate bid to qualify for the first primary debate: $20
Age of San Francisco's Anchor Brewing Co., long touted as America's first craft brewery, when it stopped production this week: 127
Minimum number of mushroom species that glow in the dark: 70
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Puppy Pic of the Day: A visit from Smoky…
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CHEERS to fun with numbers. While red state legislatures fixate on their cult's obsession with abortion bans, book bans, drag queen bans, voting-rights bans, immigrant bans, and referendums banning referendums on banning referendum bans, Maine's blue-state legislature decided to do something a little different—namely, pass a budget that focuses instead on solving actual problems. In partnership with Democratic Governor Janet Mills, the state House and Senate did the grinding late-night work necessary to make it happen, and the results have earned them a well-deserved summer vacation. A partial list from the Maine Senate leadership via email:
✓ Establishing a Paid Family and Medical Leave Program to allow people to care for their families and loved ones without losing their jobs; ✓ Doubling salary stipends for child care workers and boosting the child care affordability program to make sure young families can access the care they need; Governor Mills signs the budget bill. A major achievement for the Democratic party and the state. ✓ Establishing the Housing First Program to combat chronic homelessness and give people a viable path forward; ✓ Investing in Emergency Medical Services to ensure rural Maine has adequate access to care; ✓ Providing income tax breaks for retired Maine residents and extending a cost-of-living adjustment for retired state employees; ✓ Creating a pilot program to prevent student homelessness by providing emergency financial assistance to those at risk; ✓ Lowering health care costs for older Mainers by removing barriers to the Drugs for the Elderly Program and Medicare Savings Program; This is what Maine Senate Democrats do. We listen to people throughout our state, we figure out what needs fixing, and we get to work.
And on top of all that, Governor Mills also signed into law a bill that makes access to abortion services among the least-restrictive in the country. Not bad for one session. Just thought you'd like to know. We now return you to the red states and their mad dash to stop construction workers from having access to drinking water and prevent the dangers to children from that book about a gay penguin. Priorities, people. Priorities.
CHEERS to easy access…finally. News flash: people, especially young people, enjoy their sexytime, and all the table pounding by the unwoke mob ain't gonna change that. Nor are they gonna change the fact that there are a lot of unintended pregnancies as a result of sexytime. So gold star to all the dedicated scientists, doctors, and bureaucrats who worked together to make this bit of American history happen this week:
The Food and Drug Administration on Thursday approved the oral contraceptive Opill for over-the-counter sales, making it the first hormonal contraceptive pill available in the U.S. without a prescription. A victory for happy fun sexytime. (Post-coital cigarettes and breakfast sold separately.) The approval is a major win for medical groups, including the American Medical Association and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, which have been pushing for years for an over-the-counter (OTC) birth control pill. It also comes amid legal battles over women’s reproductive rights. "This is a monumental decision," said Dr. Melissa Simon, a professor of clinical gynecology at Northwestern University. "OTC birth control is available in over 100 countries, so we've been behind in availing safe, effective methods such as this oral contraceptive pill to individuals who are trying to avoid pregnancy."
Liberals and independents celebrated the decision based on what their doctors think about it. Conservatives say they'll let us know what they think about it when their leadership tells them what God told them he thinks about it. (Fearless prediction: “This is an outrage—boycott the stores that sell this demon pill, harass their employees and customers, send all your money to MAGA politicians and mega churches quickly and blah blah blah.” Call it a hunch.)
CHEERS to lighting one helluva candle. Sunday is the 54th anniversary of the liftoff of Apollo 11, when we sent three biologically-active bags of water into the cold and unforgiving void known as “space” in a tin can filled with blinking lights and Tang for a week or two. Cronkite's understatement: "Oh, boy, What a moment." Watch it on the way back machine…
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The mission would fulfill a vision set forth by President John F. Kennedy eight years earlier to put a man on the moon before decade's end, and would climax with Neil Armstrong's immortal words four days later: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for... Mmmm! Hey guys, it’s cheddar!"
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x It’s Friday…
And on Fridays we dance! 💃🕺 pic.twitter.com/WzsbvasB9f — Jessi 💫 (@its_jessi_grace) July 7, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to scaredy cats. Here's a bit of proof demonstrating that American politicians have been prone to delicate fee-fees ever since our humble beginnings. On July 14, 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, which made it illegal to say bad stuff about the government. From Joseph Cummins' book, Anything for a Vote:
People weren't even safe in the neighborhood bar—A New Jersey tavern patron was arrested and fined for drunkenly noting that the president had, to put it indelicately, a big ass.
The penalty for sedition was "...a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars, and by imprisonment not exceeding two years." If that were the case today, most of us around here would be broke and sharing a prison cell. But just to be sure the law was indeed rescinded in 1802, I'll now conduct my annual test. [Climbs on roof with bullhorn.] "THE PRESIDENT HAS A FAT ASS!" And now...time to pour a tall cold one and wait for the black helicopter.
CHEERS to home vegetation. A quick roundup of some of the eyestuff that may end upon your TV this weekend. Chris Hayes and the gang lead things off with live coverage of What The Hell Happened Today on MSNBC. And, as usual, I’ll be live-tweeting a classic episode of Star Trek (the one where the crew battles a giant pregnant space amoeba) at 8 via hashtag #allstartrek while watching it on the H&I network. And that's it, really, for tonight, so you might want to dive into something streaming via whatever looks good at Rotten Tomatoes.
Sports: MLB schedule is here. The WNBA All-Star Game is tomorrow night at 8 on ABC. And if you’re a tennis fan, Wimbledon is underway and the action continues tomorrow and Sunday afternoon on ABC. Sunday on 60 Minutes: encore reports on artificial prosthetics technology and Afghan girls who are able to continue their education in Rwanda. Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Chris Christie; former Sen. Doug Jones (D-AL). Also Sunday: these discarded lamps get into a heated debate over tort reform. Meet the Press: Sens. Tammy Duckworth (D-IL) and Dan Sullivan (MAGA Cult-AK); national Security Adviser Jake Sullivan (happily no relation to Dan). CNN's State of the Union: national Security Adviser Jake Sullivan; Senator Mark Kelly (D-AZ...and space!); Chris Christie. Face the Nation: Mesa, Arizona Mayor John Giles; Rep. Michael McCaul (MAGA Cult-TX); Jake Sullivan; IAC chairman Barry Diller on the actors/writers strikes. Fox MAGA Talking Points Sunday: Chris Christie.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: July 14, 2013
JEERS to losing one of America's great contortioneers. The inventor of Twister has died. Chuck Foley was 82:
Foley and a collaborator, Neil Rabens, were hired in the mid-1960s by a St. Paul manufacturing firm that wanted to expand into games and toys. They came up with a game to be played on a mat on the floor, using a spinner to direct players to place their hands and feet on different colored circles. … The game became a sensation after Johnny Carson and Eva Gabor played it on "The Tonight Show" in 1966.
He'll be buried with his right foot on green and his left foot on blue.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to getting mad as hell and not taking it anymore. Sacre Bleu! Today (well, yesterday if you’re in France) is Bastille Day, commemorating the important lesson the French learned 234 years ago: it is better for the government to fear the people than it is for the people to fear the government.
Revolutionaries tromping through your bastille and setting it on fire? Call Merry Maids for a free estimate today.
Thus the French get a couple months of vacation, shorter work hours, universal health care, paid sick time, and a fresh beret every three months, and we get to work ourselves to the bone for zero vacation days, zero sick time, and the honor of having to defend meager and perpetually "on the table for cuts" social programs that barely keep us out of poverty—please, please try to contain your enthusiasm.
But anyway. This morning we woke up at the crack of dawn, propped a ladder up on our neighbor's bedroom window sill, stormed in without a word, grabbed a pair of their underwear and sent it up the flagpole. Because this is America, dammit, and we refuse to break our daily routine just because it's Bastille Day in France.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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[END]
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