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Dear Mister Prigozhin (An Invitation To The Wagner Group) [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2023-07-13

My Dearest Mr. Prigozhin-

It has come to my attention that you have recently become homeless and undesirable in your native country. The people of the United States of America are a very open and generous society. We welcome immigrants with open arms, like AR-15’s. As we all witnessed on our Independence Day orgy of jingoism, we encourage explosions, gunfire and bad martial music. We have many failed coup members, insurrectionists and traitors even in the highest ranks of our government, including members of our House and Senate, and the spouse of our longest-serving Supreme Court justice is an active seditionary. We also have ever-growing ranks of political prisoners who may soon become very useful to you. You and your comrades would fit right in!

As a famous chef, perhaps we could offer you the food truck concessions on the steps of our nation’s Capitol. You would do booming business during the next uprising, serving borscht, Spaghetti alla Putinesca, Charred Chicken Kiev, and Trumpburgers with a side of ketchup-splattered poutine. The BRKP (Banana Republican Kleptofascist Party) could hire your troops to give anti-woke Wagner Group Story Hour readings in our public schools, indoctrinating the little darlings into the Virtues of Whiteness, the Second Amendment, Foxholes, misogyny, dogmatic fundamentalism, voter suppression, authoritarianism, fossil fuels, no child labor laws, toxic masculinity and the Federalist Society. Your wives, daughters and mistresses could start a tax-free charitable organization called the ‘Sisters of Mercenaries’, spreading uncritical race and replacement theories. Perhaps you could even receive a Presidential Medal of Freedom like Rush Limbaugh, or the new Hindenburg Award for Flaming Nazi Gasbags when our rightful President-In-Perpetuity is restored to power. Your billionaire status will buy you recognition, access and influence virtually everywhere.

At that point, you and your men shall have no fear of arrest or indictment. You will become Ollie North Patriots. You can capitalize on lucrative security contracts and protocols for our fearless leader, wall off our borders, and even bomb Mexico and Canada to save us from the invading and unclean migrant hordes. You could cater to and feed the entitled masses at all of Trump’s magnificent clubs and resorts, becoming the Commander-In-Chef when he declares himself our monarch. Wagner the Operatic Aryan himself became the dearest friend of his greatest patron, Mad KIng Ludwig of Bavaria, who constructed numerous equally ostentatious gilded mansions. You could also properly and efficiently run Truth Social! After all, you greatly assisted Trump’s rise to power through your fabulous Internet Research Agency. The Big Man with the gravitas of a marshmallow owes you an enormous debt of graft and gratitude. And with easy access to hundreds of millions of guns and billions of bullets in our very safe nation, you should never want for ammo again. It is your constitutional right, along with the involuntary impregnation of women and the subjugation of minorities. The Constitution is the Republican Supreme Court’s Charmin, after all. Blackwater-a-Lago will be your new home.

And so, as this political season roars into full swagger, and the MAGA hat logos become ever larger, as our social networks blast disinformation, and the militias become erect, you will come to feel right at ease among the superyachts and blood-diamond-dripping plutocrats of our Great Society Revisited, the whitewashing purifiers of our next Golden Age. Welcome to Amerikkka, the Land of Infinite Opportunism, where even you can become the mayor of Tuberville and frack thy neighbor.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/7/13/2179328/-Dear-Mister-Prigozhin-An-Invitation-To-The-Wagner-Group

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