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Who's Top Dog in Russia? 'Cuz Second is Like Sucking Vodka Through a Sinus Canal [1]

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Date: 2023-06-25

So, was the Wagner Group the second most powerful army in Russia when they took a day trip into Russia or was the Russian Army the second most powerful army in Russia when Wagner Google Mapped how to get to Anarchy? “Turn far right in 300 kilometres on to KillovEveryone St.”

And, was Yevgeny Prigozhin the second most powerful man in Russia when he ran his mouth into Russia or was Vladimir Putin the second most powerful man in Russia when he took his fun day trip to Skedaddle, Russia? Skedaddle is east of Coward, but they share a single vertebrae.

Now, some are saying Putin went to Florida. Putin helping out DeSantis by house sitting while Boots was out campaigning for dictatorship of a country he hopes to take under new management. Now open for no business, we chased everyone away. Self-service only. No lifeguard on duty. Live at your own risk.

DeSantis. Here’s a guy who had a wardrobe malfunction that only showed his inane ability to make white supremacist gaffes that extended to his feet. “Do I look fatheaded in this footwear?” Ron, you’ve looked stupid since we found out you eat pudding Viking-style, with your fingers, but without the pinky finger extended out in a Nazi salute.

Of course, Prigozhin is now in the process of buying a tract home in that new Belarus subdivison, so he may or may not be in Russia, but the closing appears imminent since Putin made the offer. Prigozhin has to take it “as is,” and it is definitely a fixer-upper. New home show. Love it Or Delouse It — Either Way, You Made It Worse By Moving In.

However, we all know it ain’t over ‘til it’s over, closing cost being what they are, and I’m sure blood money doesn’t come cheap. Although, Russian lives do. The current exchange rate being as low as a mere 7.62 x 39mm round on the Forex. “I’ll make you a deal. Forty for the magazine.”

Russia is starting to look like the Republican Party. It’s a “he said, he said” thing, and is starting to look like a Colorado versus Georgia cage match staged in the House Chamber’s Poisoned Well. And we all know how that Georgia thing worked out out east, and I mean far out East.

But, who knows who’d win that Lauren vs. Margie thing. If Lauren ever did come to fisticuffs with Margie, and tried to hit Margie in the mouth, it would be like throwing an infant amoeba’s fist into the yawning vastness of the Grand Canyon. You’d be lucky to hit Margie’s uvula as a boxing speed bag even once.

Hell, if the Republican Party can't even get along . . . then dysfunction will be the leading cause of death, and not just a fad. It’ll be the MAGA DNA helix doing a NYPD choke hold on the airway to the brain. Which would result in an even larger increase of people dying from asphyxiation of the rectum. I ain’t doing no CPR. That's been Kevin McCathy’s job so far.

As for Russia, what if Zelenskyy did ever decide to take a day trip with his Band of Brothers and Sisters into Russia? Hoo boy. Who’s on first now, Comrade Borscht Dumb Waiter (thumb in the soup is extra) and Comrade I-Flight-Above-My-Weight?

Now I’m almost thoroughly done with entertainment celebrities running countries, but if a B-rated actor, a third-rate game show host and a Ukrainian comedian went into a bar, the bartender would say, “I serve drinks to someone that can tell a good joke, not to someone who is a bad joke.”

Reagan and Trump would walk out dryer than a sunspot on a Carrie Nation liver spot. You’d have to smoke a carton of road flares a day from the moment you were weaned off the umbilical cord to be that dry. Prairie dogs would be nesting in your Tom Cotton mouth.

Zelenskyy, however, would walk out drunker than an under-aged bachelor’s party at a frat house’s national headquarters during a week’s worth of Saturday nights and he’d still make better decisions, even while vomiting down his shirt. So, I’ll go with the comedian. After he cleans up his act.

Ok, gotta go now. I’m taking my army of a very, very, very large, extended Irish-heritage family on a day trip to Moscow. We’re going to vie for military ranking. Hope to pull off at least a silver. Yeah, who knows where we’ll be on the award stands, but they serve potato vodka there, so it’s a twofer for us. Jackpot! Road flares for everyone!

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/6/25/2177506/-Who-s-Top-Dog-in-Russia-Cuz-Second-is-Like-Sucking-Vodka-Through-a-Sinus-Canal

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