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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-06-14
Meanwhile, in the Land of Grownups…
x The plan that I laid out a year ago to bring down inflation is working. pic.twitter.com/o081s3lrBi — President Biden (@POTUS) June 13, 2023
Happy Wednesday.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, June 14, 2023
Note: FYI, starting Monday, the C&J corporate office is raising interest rates from mildly curious to "Do tell!!!" —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til the Chicago Pride Parade: 11
Days 'til the Bixby Green Corn Festival in Oklahoma: 8
Years since Americans were as optimistic about inflation being under control as they are now, according to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York: 2
Average price of a barrel of oil: $70
Age of Italian despot Silvio Berlusconi when he finally croaked over the weekend: 86
Percent chance the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is disbanding and the Golden Globe Awards will now be run by Dick Clark Productions: 100%
Water temperature off the Portland, Maine coast: 56F
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 3 Satanisms and some good advice for visiting space aliens). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Welcome to the Canine Comedy Club…
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JEERS to the great calamity of aught-twenty-three. The big event of the week is now in the rearview mirror, and what a spectacle it was. If you were hoping for a freak show of chaos and confusion, you weren't disappointed. With onlookers gawking in horror and amazement like motorists viewing a car crash on the other side of the highway, the craggy old fossil blew in, threw up a cloud of bluster and mayhem, was judged by the appointed and appropriate professionals dressed in their fancy suits and ties, then disappeared just as fast. Everyone was left standing around wondering what the hell just happened, while the experts pored over the data and are now analyzing every last detail for clues as to what will happen next. But y'know what? Enough about the asteroid that passed close to Earth Monday. Anyone know how the Trump indictment went?
CHEERS to the other great calamity of aught-twenty-three. After slouching through life on his dad's dime, lording over dozens of failed businesses, cheating on his wives, settling lawsuit after lawsuit to avoid jailtime, then stumbling his way through a single term as president during which he got impeached twice and then lost reelection to an old-timey Democrat who campaigned for the job on Zoom, Republican Donald J. Trump was indicted yesterday on federal charges of violating the Espionage Act and other major crimes. And now...
[O]ver the coming weeks, the case enters a pre-trial period in which the government will work with Trump’s lawyers to determine how turn over evidence against the former president in what’s called the “discovery” process, which will also include discussion over how to handle classified information and how long to pause the federal 70-day requirement for a speedy trial. America strikes back. Attorneys for both sides will be able to argue disputes over the handling of evidence and what evidence can be presented at trial during pretrial hearings. After such pretrial hearings, a defendant will have an opportunity to plead guilty or go to trial. After a jury adjudicates the case, a defendant is found either guilty or not guilty. Only a guilty verdict is subject to appeal. The final step would be sentencing if the case results in a guilty verdict.
He now faces the prospect of spending half a century surrounded by bars. By which I mean the bars at his resorts, since there isn’t a snowball's chance in hell that this doesn’t end up in some bullshit settlement agreed to by the judge, who believes Trump is literally a god. But we'll see what happens. The trial date has been set for October 27th, 2097. Just enough time for me to go pick out something nice to wear for when I watch the proceedings on my widescreen nanobot brain implant. It’ll be very exciting.
CHEERS to tummy ticklers. The world's first roller coaster—the cutest li'l thang called the Switchback Railway—debuted at Coney Island 139 years ago. Today we'll commemorate the anniversary in the usual way by throwing up on our neighbors.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Clam dunk! Rescued sea otter (and ottermatic all-star) Juno plays basketball to stay in shape. pic.twitter.com/Oav85LSslZ — Oregon Zoo (@OregonZoo) June 12, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to stars and stripes 4EVUH. Hope you got your holiday shopping done in time for all the flag lovers on your list—today is Flag Day. It commemorates the adoption of the flag of the United States, which happened on this day in 1777 by resolution of the Second Continental Congress. In case you're wondering, yes, we support your first-amendment right to burn it in protest if your soul hates America...just as we support your right to strap it on to express how much your ta-tas love America. If you’re wondering, this is what a 52-star flag would look like if D.C. and Puerto Rico ever join our little ragtag union as states:
Critics call it “hip and edgy—a must-see!”
Meanwhile, per federal law, you must say this at least once out loud today:
"What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing—it just waved."
And then: bask in the awkward silence.
CHEERS to the Biden Cavalry. The inflation monster—nobody thought it could be tamed. The experts threw up their hands. The public sold their children for pennies on the dollar just to afford pool-cleaning services through the summer. A pall fell upon the land as the price of a single can of chicken soup skyrocketed to 49-thousand dollars plus tax. And then, in the distance, riding into the maelstrom astride a saddle atop a—[squints]—Corvette: DARK BRANDON!!! After knocking the dust off his boots and asking God to bless our troops, he reached for his six-shooter and, with nary a sound but the scrunch of his leather chaps, laid that inflation monster low:
Consumer price growth cooled again in May to the lowest level since March 2021, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Tuesday. On an annual basis, price growth fell to 4%. Price growth climbed just 0.1% month-over-month. Thanks, Joe. The reading was slightly better than economists' forecast of 4.1%—and down significantly from 4.9% rate in April. On a monthly basis, the forecast was for a 0.1% increase, lower than April's 0.4% reading. The data shows that inflation—and the high prices that result from it — is finally starting to meaningfully come down.
Tonight in the No Malarkey Saloon: ice cream of course, duh.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 14, 2013
CHEERS to good the best eatin'. When it comes to summer seafood, I'm kinda partial to The Lobster Shack down the road apiece in Cape Elizabeth, Maine. But we have a saying up here: "Ya can't row a dinghy if the moon is red, the seaweed is slippery, and the gulls are flyin' round in circles above the dune grass smokin' moose-antler velvet from a scrimshaw pipe." We have no idea what that means, but anyway congratulations to The Lobster Shack's cousin The Clam Shack in Kennebunk for winning the coveted distinction of having America’s Best Lobster Roll. The award was bestowed at the Tasting Table's Fourth annual Lobster Roll Rumble and reflects a lot of hard work—hours, days and weeks of total dedication to "lobsterfection" against impossible odds and competitors from the mega-cities who thought they could waltz in and eat the little guys for lunch. In fact, you might say that in pursuing the lobster roll crown, the crew at The Clam Shack had to…claw their way to the top.
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And just one more…
JEERS to the birthday bum. Donald Trump, the 7-foot-4, 160-pound (all muscle), 3,397 IQ former president of the United States turns 77 today. We got him the usual:
It’s the least we could do. So that’s what we did.
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial Despite the many harms linked to Cheers and Jeers, research has also shown light-to-moderate kiddie pool splashing can have heart-protecting benefits. —USA Today
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[END]
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