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Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday [1]
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Date: 2023-06-13
EXCLUSIVE: Judge Cannon's Opening Remarks
According to my sources:
"Good morning. Be seated. First off, some preliminaries before we get this totally unfair Democrat witch hunt over with. I will not allow anyone to make a mockery of this courtroom. If you brought chemtrails in here with you, please take them outside. If you are deep state, please leave. If you don't believe in making America great again, please leave. As for the woman in the fifth row wearing the purple scarf: I can tell you're really reincarnated John F. Kennedy Jr. under a mask, so come and take your proper place here in the front row VIP section with Elvis and a can of beer once held by Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh. Please be advised that if you need to use a restroom in this building, the toilets are back to the low-flow Demonrat style, so plan enough time to accommodate ten to fifteen flushes. Above all, I will not tolerate partisanship in my courtroom. We'll proceed after a fifteen minute recess so the Cyber Ninjas can sweep for bamboo fibers and nanobots, followed by a ten-hour moment of silence for Pat Robertson. Now everyone look under your seat: YOU get a red hat and YOU get a red hat and YOU get a red hat…!"
I’m glad to see she’s planning to tone down the rhetoric,
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, June 13, 2023
Note: Today's note is attending a funeral. A shopping list is filling in: Milk, butter, eggs, Leggs, Mister Pibb, Mrs. Butterworth, National Enquirer, Chicklets.
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4 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til summer: 8
Days 'til the International Vinegar Festival in Roslyn, South Dakota: 4
Maximum sentence Trump faces if convicted on all 37 charges: 536 years
Percent of adults aged 18-34 who say marijuana has overall positive effects on those who use it, according to Gallup polling: 62%
Percent of Americans who support marijuana legalization: 68%
Maine’s syrup production this year, the lowest since 2012 because of unfavorable weather conditions: 470,000 gallons
Age of unibomber terrorist Ted Kaczynski when he died last week: 81
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Puppy Pic of the Day: In Ukraine, getting marching orders from Commander Fluffy…
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CHEERS to our new benevolent overlord. George Soros, keeper of the woke purse strings, order-giver of the Deep State, shielder of Hillary's emails and Hunter Biden's laptop, and terrifier of the MAGA cult, is passing on his $25 billion-with-a-b fortune to the next generation. And the passer's chosen passee is…
… his son Alex. Finally leaving the business to pursue his dream as a Broadway dancer. Alex, speaking to the Wall Street Journal in an exclusive interview published over the weekend, said he is “more political” than his father and hinted at a significant financial role for the Soros organization in the U.S. elections next year. … Voicing his concerns on a potential return of former President Donald Trump, the37-year-old Soros told the Wall Street Journal: “As much as I would love to get money out of politics, as long as the other side is doing it, we will have todo it, too.”
Excellent. Let me be the first to say: Alex…friend…defender of democracy…I have a large amount of space around the edge of the C&J kiddie pool that would be perfect for some political ads that will reach a savvy and freedom-loving audience. Let's call it an even million and I'll throw in a pair of water wings. Ahem. Once the check clears.
JEERS to floating a silly idea. Instead of welcoming immigrants to help with the current labor shortage in this country, the MAGA cult's plan is to cut off all access to the United States from the southern border and then fill in the gaps at our slaughterhouses and titty bars with child labor. Brilliant master race thinking! As for closing off the border, here's Texas governor Greg Abbott using all the brainpower he can muster:
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced Thursday that Texas will immediately begin the process of securing its border with Mexico with a “water-based barrier” of buoys in the Rio Grande. […] And lord help ‘em if they make a wake. McCraw said the first 1,000 feet of buoys will be placed along the river by Eagle Pass, which borders Piedras Negras, Coahuila, Mexico. […] David Donatti, an attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union of Texas, said in a statement to HuffPost that the buoys will not address anything real. “The chain of buoys along the Rio Grande is just the latest in a chain of gifts from the state to private contractors to fuel the governor’s manufactured crisis at the border,” he said. “The floating balls will not address the real and important reasons people are coming to the United States. The buoys are a blight on Texas’s moral conscience.”
Oh well. You know what they say: buoys will be buoys.
CHEERS to the anti-Clarence Thomas. On June 13, 1967, in an act of equal parts courage and smarts, Lyndon Johnson nominated Thurgood Marshall to become the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. His 24 years on the bench worked out very well for America, and his previous work wasn't chopped liver, either:
After amassing an impressive record of Supreme Court challenges to state-sponsored discrimination, including the landmark Brown v. Board decision in 1954, President John F. Kennedy appointed Thurgood Marshall to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit. Thurgood Marshall was succeeded by Clarence Thomas. What an effing leap backwards. In this capacity, he wrote over 150 decisions including support for the rights of immigrants, limiting government intrusion in cases involving illegal search and seizure, double jeopardy, and right to privacy issues. [...] In 1965 President Lyndon Johnson appointed Judge Marshall to the office of U.S. Solicitor General. Before his subsequent nomination to the United States Supreme Court in 1967, Thurgood Marshall won 14 of the 19 cases he argued before the Supreme Court on behalf of the government. Indeed, Thurgood Marshall represented and won more cases before the United States Supreme Court than any other American.
And no one ever—ever—found a pubic hair on his Coke can.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to sports shorts. A quick roundup of recent winners from the world of friendly competition:
NBA Finals: Denver Nuggets beat the Miami DeSantises 4 mighty games to 1 piddly one. Stanley Cup Hockey Championship: Vegas leads Florida 2 games to 1, with game 4 tonight. Regardless of who wins, the biggest victors will be the tooth-implant specialists. 2023 NBA Champs. Belmont Stakes: Arcangelo French Open: Novak Djakovic (Switzerland) and Iga Swiatek (Poland) Major League Baseball standings: [Checks to see how Boston is doing; sees that Boston is in last place.] These numbers are currently irrelevant. Canadian Open: a homegrown win as Nick Taylor sinks a lengthy putt to win the six-pack of Molson. Tony Awards: Kimberkly Akimbo (Musical) and Leopoldstadt (Play) Women's World Cup Soccer: Mark your calendars—the action starts on July 20th as Australia and New Zealand become the first co-hosts in the tournament's history.
And this just in: game two of the Jarts for Jesus tournament has been canceled after it was discovered there were no survivors after game one.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 13, 2013
CHEERS to opening the gate. Astonishing, really, when you think about it—an immigration vote actually passed by a landslide in the Senate yesterday. Seriously, it was 82 "Yeas" to 15 "I can't have illegals running around here I'm running for office for Pete's sakes." The brave and daring vote clears the Herculean hurdle of giving the Senate permission to talk about immigration reform. Or in Ted Cruz's case, grunt.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to everyone's favorite Center Square. Today is late comedian and Hollywood Squares icon Paul Lynde's 97th birthday. Regular readers know I boast about him because he and I share the same hometown—Mt. Vernon, Ohio—and also a distrust of politicians: "They talk in generalities and lies, and I think they’ve caused all our grief." He was gay gay gay gay gay, but the marriage proposals from clueless middle-aged women rolled in by the truckload anyway. It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. But Paul’s campy gift for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material...
Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals. What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex. Mt. Vernon, Ohio’s finest. -
Peter Marshall: According to the Constitution, what's the proper term for our form of government?
Paul Lynde: At the moment? Shaky. Or will you accept Thppppppppttt!!!
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
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Peter Marshall: What was your grandmother probably trying to do when she drank a mixture of kerosene, sugar and onion juice?
Paul Lynde: We’ll never know. She blew up.
And who can forget Uncle Arthur on Bewitched? Even 41 years after he died, everyone who knows of him remembers him fondly. Except, perhaps, Mount Vernon, Ohio, which I understand removed signs at the city limits touting my hometown as the "Birthplace of Paul Lynde." Still up, however, are the signs promoting Mount Vernon as the "Birthplace of Daniel Decatur Emmett," the composer of the minstrel ditty that became the anthem of the Confederacy: "Dixie." As Paul would say: "Oh my goodness."
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial "Wow! Cheers and Jeers is eye-popping!" —Jen Psaki
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[END]
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