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Planet Obtains First Draft of Pence Announcement [1]
['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']
Date: 2023-06-09
Michigan Planet reporters were able to intercept what is believed to be a first draft of a highly apologetic, if not slightly humiliating, version of Mike Pence’s presidential campaign announcement. Those searching for a reason why Mike Pence might possibly consider running or any logical path to a victory may find it here, in his own planned words:
“Let me just say that I understand why some of you would find it, well, unusual that I would run to become the nominee of this great party. Among other things, I know many of you, only months ago, chanted in unison that you wanted to hang me and likely would have done so, had you found me.
Perhaps even some of you here today still feel that way. To those folks I say, ‘let’s just let bygones be bygones; water over the bridge; not a hill to die on.” And I understand that many of you see me as a pathetic panderer who fetched President Trump’s water for four years even after he repeatedly threw it back in my face. And I understand further that many of you might simply detest what you believe to be my false piety and complete lack of personal integrity. Of course, I could go on. But what we must be thinking about now, is not the past but the future and seeking God’s help to get us safely through this storm.
I don’t make it a secret that I frequently pray on these matters. Here is what the Lord (and Mother) told me. "Mike, when things are down, it’s time for good men to step up. Go forth and remind the people that you may well be one of the few unindicted in the race,” So it is with great humiliation humility that I announce to you today that I WILL seek the nomination of this grand old party in 2024. [pause for any applause before continuing.] [wait longer if necessary. - Ok go on].
Because you see campaigns are about more than just a few good ideas or even a few good values. We need a candidate who is unhinged untethered, and I mean that in the most literal sense. He or she [remember to add patronizing emphasis on she] must be unbeholden to other nations, other interests, and able to report to work without restrictions, court-appointed monitor or electronic tether.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am that man and I ask that you join in this great campaign to shepherd this great nation to a new tomorrow.”
PENCE 2024 UNTETHERED — LITERALLY UNTETHERED.
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