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Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday [1]

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Date: 2023-05-23

Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, May 23, 2023

Note: Just a quick heads-up that pairing a sour apple Charm’s Blow Pop with an oaky Cabernet Sauvignon is a poor combination. I realize that now, and I pass this valuable lesson on to you.

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By the Numbers:

4 days!!!

Days 'til Juneteenth: 27

Days 'til the Hood Canal Fjord Fest in Brinnon Washington: 4

Size of the new military aid package President Biden announced for Ukraine: $375 million

Percent chance members of Congress will still get their paychecks even if they allow the government to default on its debts: 100%

Number of spending cuts Republicans in Congress demanded in their debt ceiling talks when Trump was president: 0

Number of banned books the NAACP distributed to 25 predominantly Black communities across Florida after Gov. DeSantis rejected the AP African American studies course: 10,000

Democrat Ruben Gallego's lead over turncoat Sen. Kyrsten Sinema in the latest PPP poll of the 2024 Arizona senate race: 34 points

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, at Knuckle Bump Farms…

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JEERS to the new hostage standoff. The Very Serious People on my weekend teevee kept telling me some variation on this theme Sunday: "Republicans are so crazy that they'll blow up the world economy by voting against raising the debt ceiling unless Democrats (aka the responsible ones) cave to their demands—dismantling Medicare, de-funding Planned Parenthood, all their greatest hits—and get nothing in return." I hope my party surprises me by showing some backbone, but I've seen this movie too many times: this is going to end badly. That the debt ceiling will be raised isn't in doubt for one second and never has been and never will be. What is murky still is the extent of the concessions our conserva-Democratic leaders will unnecessarily make in order to appear to get along with their middle-class-killing colleagues across the aisle. The GOP, it should be noted, will still complain that job-killing socialist Democrat obstructionists didn’t cede enough, while taking full credit for saving the world. Sorry…hope I didn’t spoil the ending for ya.

P.S. The above was copied and pasted from a 2011 C&J. In the dozen years since, our government, which is supposed to work for us to maintain domestic tranquility and fiscal sanity, has made zero attempts to remove the fuse from this perpetually-ticking bomb. Oh well. What good is your money if total strangers can’t set it on fire without your consent?

JEERS to today’s wanted poster. From the EPA’s National Response Center:

MISSING Seen on my milk carton this morning. Name: M. Onium Nitrate Birth date: April 12, 2023 Weight: 30 tons Description: Trigonal crystalline, powdery, almost-white to brown, explosive temper. Last seen before it disappeared: On a train somewhere between Wyoming and California. If spotted: Please lasso carefully and drag behind your pickup to the nearest EPA or Homeland Security Office.

And please don’t blab about it. This is really embarrassing.

CHEERS to the end of the road. On May 23, 1934, bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde were caught in a police ambush as they tried to escape in a Ford Fordor Deluxe Sedan near Bienville Parish, Louisiana. Over 130 bullets were pumped into the car, turning it into a piece of metal Swiss cheese. Figures...one day after the warranty expired.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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x Wait for the laugh.. 😂



Sound on pic.twitter.com/AcDh5UuIoO — Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) May 21, 2023

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to madmen who suddenly stop breathing. On this date in 1945, while in British custody at their headquarters in Luneberg, Germany, Gestapo thug Heinrich Himmler committed suicide by cyanide. Apparently he never got over his girlfriend shacking up with Göerring. CHEERS to meeting expectations. I’ve always said that there’s no furniture of their own making that Republicans won’t bump into. That was the case yesterday for South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, whose campaign for president got underway with, in order of awkwardness, a Howard Dean-like vocal cord malfunction, and then a lovely stretch of silence as not one, not two, but three microphones crapped out on him. Relive the magic: x This is the most awkward presidential launch speech I’ve ever seen. pic.twitter.com/kAhxXKqmQj — No Lie with Brian Tyler Cohen (@NoLieWithBTC) May 22, 2023 I don’t care what party the sound guy belongs to. I’m buying him lunch.

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Ten years ago in C&J: May 23, 2013

JEERS to non-punishment that doesn't fit the non-crime. In Merrimack, New Hampshire, an unusual case of road rage management:

The victim said William Farrell was stopped in front of her when a light turned green, but Farrell did not drive ahead. The woman said she honked her horn at him. Police said Farrell got out of his car at the next intersection, and squirted suntan lotion on the victim through her open window.

Remember that, kids. When you're really mad at another driver, just get out of your car, walk over to their window and reduce their risk of skin cancer. That'll teach 'em.

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And just one more…

JEERS to GBCW'ing this popsicle stand too damn early. Kossack jbou had a deliriously strange mind that turned cynicism into gonzo humor (as one Kossack put it: "funny as hell and sometimes challenging"), and to try and encapsulate it beyond that would be futile. jbou—no, spellchecker, I DON'T want to capitalize the j, thank you—died seven years ago this week. In his honor, a few nuggets from the jbou archives—we spun the j-wheel and landed on May of 2015:

★ Save the planet! Jupiter, that is. Or Mars. Not this one. This one is terrible. ★ Television disappointed me after I grew up and moved to the city and it turned out none of my neighbors were Muppets. ★ GOP presidential candidate announcements are now coming faster than Adobe Acrobat updates. ★ If Miracle Whip were really miraculous it would be Nutella. jbou ★ Always make one unobtainable goal so when you've completed your real goals this fucker will keep the infinite void that surrounds us at bay. ★ Ask your drugs if doctors are right for you. ★ Nobody starts out eating eight spiders when they sleep. You try out one or two until you work up a nice rhythm. ★ Haystacks would be lost without needles. ★ When you are resigned to your fate, the cigarette and blindfold come naturally. ★ A lobotomy? You mean like a fresh start? Where do I sign up? ★ Okay, back to crying in the 7-Eleven parking lot.

The world remains a little less weird without jbou. And, yes, we’ve filed that sentence with the universe’s "Complaints" department.

Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “Wow, how condescending is Cheers and Jeers? Thanks for the lecture.” —Gregg Birnbaum

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[END]
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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/5/23/2170586/-Cheers-and-Jeers-Tuesday

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