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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]

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Date: 2023-05-19

You are now below the fold. [Sigh] Folds were so much simpler 10 years ago.

"The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitter and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex."

—Jimmy Kimmel Clip of Peggy Noonan on Meet the Press: All three of these scandals makes a cluster that implies some very bad things. This is so broad. This IRS thing is something I've never seen in my lifetime.

Jon Stewart: Never in your lifetime have you seen a scandal this bad? What if a President secretly sold weapons to Iran in return for American hostages, and then used the proceeds to illegally fund a bunch of coked-up right-wing jungle rapists in Nicaragua? Ring a bell? Here's a hint: you worked in his White House as a high-profile speechwriter.

—The Daily Show "Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time. Or as Fox News put it: 'F*cking Obama—always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments."

—Bill Maher "It's week two of the [Mayflower] pipeline spill. Or as Exxon calls it: The Great Arkansas Oil Giveaway. Exxon is employing a time-honored cleanup technique pioneered by drunk guys: you just throw some paper towels down on whatever you spill and get outta there. Of course there are other drunk-guy options, like hiding the spill with a strategically-placed coffee table. Or, better yet, just flip Arkansas over like a couch cushion."

—Stephen Colbert "A man in California received eleven pounds of marijuana in the mail by mistake. At least he did the right thing—he called the police and told them someone accidentally mailed him five pounds of marijuana."

—Craig Ferguson

And now, our feature presentation in the here and now...

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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 19, 2023

Note: According to the Durham Report, you owe me twenty bucks. By Monday, please.

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By the Numbers:

9 days!!!

Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 1

Days 'til the Vista Strawberry Festival in California: 9

Number of multi-family units under construction in the U.S., close to the record of 994,000 set in 1973: 977,000

Per-dozen wholesale price of Midwest large eggs now: $0.94

Per-dozen wholesale price of Midwest large eggs six months ago: $5.46

Percent chance that Oscar-Meyer is changing the name of its six-vehicle Wienermobile fleet to "Frankmobile": 100%

Number of shuttlecraft on the original Starship Enterprise: 4

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Put 'er there…

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CHEERS to meeting all my demands. Yay. I think Congress and the president are going to raise the debt ceiling exactly the way I'd hoped they would: by drawing out the process as long as possible with threats and pointless rhetoric, followed by the benevolent leadership sitting down for tea and compromise, resulting in massive budget cuts that hack away at services for the least among us, followed by the closing of one loophole (no more subsidized hair gel for anyone making over $1 billion a week) and another two-year extension of the Trump tax cuts, plus jail time for Elizabeth Warren and an automatic 75 electoral-vote head start to the Republican nominee for president. Yup, that's the way I see it goin' down, and that's right in line with my hopes and dreams. And in other news, this morning I fell on my head.

CHEERS to a starting new chapter. It's 2023, but it might as well be 1623 the way the MAGA cult is going after anything that smacks of progress…like, say, book learnin'. Nowhere is that more embarrassingly on display than in the shitfuck state of Florida (should the state ever decide to un-shitfuck itself, we'll issue a retraction), where a dictator-wannabe governor and his rubber-stamp legislature have banned any book that Joseph Goebbels wouldn’t be proud to have as part of his collection in Hell. Thankfully, the pushback appears to have begun, and gold stars to Penguin Random House and a coalition of speech freedomists for standing up to the Puritan cultists:

In addition to the publishing house, PEN America, a nonprofit group that advocates for free expression in literature, five authors whose books have been removed from the district, and two parents whose children go to school in the district filed the suit against the Escambia County School District and the Escambia County School Board in Pensacola, Florida. The Great Un-banning has begun... The plaintiffs alleged that the district and the board violated the First Amendment by “depriving students of access to a wide range of viewpoints, and depriving the authors of the removed and restricted books of the opportunity to engage with readers and disseminate their ideas to their intended audiences.” They also argued that the removals violate the equal protection clause of the 14th Amendment “because the books being singled out for possible removal are disproportionately books by non-white and/or LGBTQ authors, or which address topics related to race or LGBTQ identity.”

May the judge have the wisdom to throw the book at the haters, right before he orders them back on the shelves. Then they can explore an exciting volume in the self-help section: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Head Trauma.

JEERS to moving day in Dixie. Li'l Civil War nugget: on tomorrow’s date in 1861, the Confederate Congress agreed to pack its bags and move the capital from Montgomery, Alabama to Richmond, Virginia. I believe a similar event would take place 51 years later with the deck chairs on the Titanic.

P.S. Speaking of the Titanic, new detailed photos reveal what happened to it. In laymen’s terms: it sank.

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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x The best Friday idea ever. pic.twitter.com/rIpQTWbzve — jamie (@gnuman1979) May 12, 2023

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to the Boy Wonder's bubbleheaded blunder. On May 19, 1992, Vice President Dan Quayle cited Murphy Brown as a poor example of family values. Said Ken Tucker back then in Entertainment Weekly:

Dan Quayle's spleen venting about the way Murphy Brown subverts family values is only the most direct expression to date of a notion that has gained in intensity over the past decade—that TV has some sort of obligation to present only ''positive'' examples of family life, that any portrayal of something other than the happy nuclear clan is detrimental to our American way of life. She won. He lost. But TV isn't an arm of social policy or government propaganda; it has no more responsibility to be upbeat and positive than do, say, poetry or the theater. ... Someone pour Quayle a glass of cold milk, please.

Isn't it nice to know that the Republican party has come so far in its thinking over the last 30 years? (You may commence smirking at will.)

CHEERS to home vegetation. Ahh… A nice quiet evening with my homies in C&J and the comforting flicker of the teevee. I’ll be live-tweeting the first episode of Star Trek that aired in 1966 (“The Man Trap,” H&I Network, starring the infamous salt monster) at 8 using hashtag #allstartrek. Shark Tank’s season finale is tonight at 8 on ABC. Charlie Sykes talks about why he left the Republican party on Firing Line (PBS) at 8:30. Then at 9 there’s a new edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

The dreaded windmill hole at the PGA Championship will crush many hopes.

What else is on? The new movies and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL Stanley Cup playoff schedule is here, and the NBA semis schedule is here. The 148th Preakness Stakes is tomorrow starting at 4:30 ET on NBC, and includes 2 hours and 57 minutes of jibber jabber and 3 minutes of actual horsing around. Oh, and also the final rounds of the PGA Championship are tomorrow and Sunday on CBS.

No new episode of SNL tomorrow night because of the writers strike (a Molly Shannon-hosted rerun airs instead). On the season finale of 60 Minutes: a report on cyber con artists who target seniors, and a profile of artist Jeff Koons. Then time stands still when Homer crashes his car and flies through the windshield on the season finale of The Simpsons. And the winner of the latest season of American Idol is revealed Sunday night on ABC. (My money's on Skreetcho McFlatty.) Unfortunately John Oliver is taking another week off (writers strike-related) from HBO’s Last Week Tonight, so we suggest you fill the time toilet-papering your neighbor’s dogwoods.

Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:

This Week: Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD); Rep. Jodey Arrington (The Cult-TX). Will Janet Yellen announce that she’s hooked explosive charges up to the debt ceiling? Stay tuned... Meet the Press: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; Gov. Roy Cooper (D-NC); Rep. Byron Donalds (The Cult-FL). Face the Nation: Former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates; Reps. Josh Gottheimer (D-NJ) and Brian Fitzpatrick (The Cult-PA). CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Bill Cassidy (The Cult-LA); Rep. Summer Lee (D-PA); Paul Begala. Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA

Happy viewing!

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Ten years ago in C&J: May 19, 2013

JEERS to being up to our gills in grief. The man who popularized fish sticks has died. True fact: E. Robert Kinney was originally from Maine. You might say he was born and breaded here:

"While I wouldn't say he invented the fish stick, he certainly led Gorton's during a period of time when the fish stick became an established convenience food for consumers in the U.S.," said Paul Coz, vice president of human resources Gorton's Seafoods. Kinney grew up in Pittsfield, Maine, graduated from Bates College in Lewiston, Maine, and started a canning business called North Atlantic Packing Co. that grew out of his experience seeing lobster fishermen discarding crabs. He offered the fishermen a penny for each crab and started a canning business.

He'll be laid to rest next to a bowl of tartar sauce. Among those expected to boycott his funeral: fish.

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And just one more…

JEERS to disappearing acts not involving trained magicians. Today is Endangered Species Day, which is billed as "an opportunity for people of all ages to learn about the importance of protecting endangered species." You can access the state-by-state list here via the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Here’s one of them, the bearded seal. Imagine our planet without the Mark Twain of the sea:

True fact: bearded seals rule the afterlife, so we humans are pretty much screwed up there for screwing them down here.

I'm proud to say I did my part to mark Endangered Species Day. I spent the afternoon giving sympathy hugs to Republicans with brain cells.

Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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