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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]
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Date: 2023-05-10
Mrs. Wiley, 3rd Grade: Thank you for being the one teacher who somehow figured out how to make math fun for me. The candy rewards for right answers might've had something to do with it. Mrs. Dunn’s Kindergarten class. (To answer your question: front row, second from left.) To this day, no one can figure out why everyone became an ax murderer but me. Mrs. Giaque, 4th Grade: Thanks for encouraging my interest in World War II history to the point of having your high school-age son, also a WW II buff, make up quizzes for me just for fun. Thank you also for letting us play Dodgeball so often. It allowed me to hone my skills for the day I entered the professional workforce and started playing my favorite adulthood game: dodge work. Miss Woolson, 5th Grade: Thanks for letting us bring in our novelty records to play every Friday afternoon before the final bell, even after you got in trouble with the principal for letting us drop the needle on Ray Stevens' The Streak. (Today the Ohio legislature would probably throw you in jail for it.)
And to all my teachers: Thank you for not blaming me for driving you to drink. It's a sweet little lie that warms my heart whenever I think of you.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 10, 2023
Note: Found a peanut. Cracked it open. It was rotten. Ate it anyway. Died. Went to Heaven. Went the other way. Woke up. Every day for the last 53 years. No idea why. Oh, look…found a peanut!
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til summer: 42
Days 'til the Rhubarb Festival in Intercourse, Pennsylvania: 9
Current debt ceiling limit: $31.38 trillion
Rank of The Weather Channel, PBS, and the BBC among most trusted media sources in the 2023 “Trust in Media” poll: #1, #2, #3
Percent of U.S. Facebook users who are between 18 and 34 years old, compared with nearly 46% on TikTok and 42% on Instagram: 28%
World rank of Maine native Chris Poole, who became the first skipper to win every match race at the prestigious Congressional Cup regatta in California: #1
Total number of errors made in the 1886 World Series when the St. Louis Browns beat the Chicago White Stockings 4 games to 2: 63
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 5 earthquakes and 1 reminder that Kenny Loggins is, in fact, still alive). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Pup step ladder…
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CHEERS to PAC'ing a punch. The most traitorous president in history is running for a second (non-consecutive) term, and the Republican co-chair of the House January 6th Committee, now-ex-representative Liz Cheney, is not having it. Seems she's formed a PAC dedicated to keeping Lord Dampnut a one-termer for the good of the country, and her latest ad is an effective juxtaposition of rabid MAGA cultists storming the Capitol with her calm narration. From what I hear, the ad will be running in New Hampshire:
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The usual disclaimer regarding Liz applies: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. For the moment.
P.S. Trump is now a jury-confirmed sexual assaulter. Have fun at that CNN town hall tonight, sir, I say with tears in my eyes.
JEERS to negotiating with terrorists. MAGA stooge Kevin McCarthy, the Marjorie Taylor Greene-appointed Speaker of the House, met with the President of the United States yesterday to discuss his ransom demands as the U.S. economy remains captive in a dungeon where the debt ceiling is slowly dropping on it via some sort of devious mechanical device, and will start crushing it in less than a month. The president outlined his case for a clean debt ceiling bill with reams of solid data and expert opinion. The Speaker made obscene shadow puppets, spoke in tongues and soiled his pants, and was later chastised by the House Freedom Caucus at their Tuesday night cocaine orgy for "acting all intellectual." And this just in: sales of the new Serta mattress with a built-in life savings storage pouch soar. Film at 11.
CHEERS to fluid situations. On May 10, 1863, pretend “General” Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson died of pneumonia after one of his own men shot him a week earlier in a battle at Chancellorsville during the war he joined to destroy the United States of America in order to preserve ownership of human beings possessing skin pigmentation different from his own.
Stonewall Jackson’s statue being torn down in Richmond, Virginia in 2020. Good riddance, traitor.
True fact: he would've survived longer, but Jefferson Davis’s newly-signed Rebelcare health insurance plan considered pneumonia a pre-existing condition, and the high-risk pool his insurer put Jackson into had already run out of money. Sadly, the bake sale table that J.E.B. Stuart and Robert E. Lee set up to raise funds for his surgery was turned into splinters by a Union cannonball, leaving only Mrs. Beauregard's lemon tarts, which were far too mushy and sour and only brought in 3 cents. And that's why you read C&J: we bring history to life.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Mind-blowing: Earth and Moon through Saturn's Rings
(Credit: NASA, ESA, JPL-Caltech, SSI, Cassini Imaging Team; Processing & License: Kevin M. Gill) pic.twitter.com/GMzD8agvvW — STEM (@stem_feed) May 4, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to bulldogs unleashed. 83 years ago this week, Winston Churchill was called in to replace Neville Chamberlain as British Prime Minister, after Mr. "Peace in Our Time" lost a confidence vote in the House of Commons. Churchill (whom we’re quick to acknowledge was a human rights monster in many ways) offered blood, sweat, toil and tears in the run-up to World War II, which he successfully guided his nation through. Years later, a string of fellow conservative prime ministers offered austerity, austerity, austerity and austerity. Thus explaining Britain’s new motto: God Save the King, All Others Kiss Your Ass Goodbye.
JEERS to Planet EZ-Bake. Here's a quick update on climate change on the third planet from the sun: everything bad is happening at a faster rate than even the most pessimistic scientists are able to predict. On the bright side, the electric bills for air conditioning on Mercury are much, much higher.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 10, 2013
JEERS to the wrong fingers on the wrong buttons. Um…yikes:
A "breakdown in overall discipline" led the Air Force to suspend 17 officers and disqualify them from controlling nuclear missiles after a poor inspection at one of the service's most important nuclear bases, military officials told NBC News on Wednesday. […] The 17 officers—representing almost 5 percent of the 91st Missile Wing's missile launch staff—were suspended for 60 days last month and were stripped of their authority to control and launch nuclear missiles after the "D," or "marginal," inspection in March, an inspection the Air Force publicly labeled a success.
They were also forced to write: "Nukes are not lawn darts" 100 times on the chalkboard.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ending today’s column with a fine joke. This is it:
x 🤡 The only tank present at russian “military parade” is ancient T-34.
One can only guess what happened to the rest of them 🤷♂️ pic.twitter.com/gbhmxYioTr — Ukrainska Pravda in English (@pravda_eng) May 9, 2023
Please tip your server. Good night!
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “I was reading this thing. I said, that is the worst Cheers and Jeers I’ve ever read. I mean, you can’t do worse than that.” —Howard Stern
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[END]
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