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Forgiveness. [1]

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Date: 2023-05-09

Welcome to the Street Prophets Coffee Hour.

The only thing that's harder to deal with than being confronted with absolutely undeniable proof that you have been betrayed, is finding a way to move beyond it. I'm not talking about acceptance necessarily; I know myself well enough to know that I'm unlikely to "accept" the things I now know about. At least, not in the sense of convincing myself that I just have to "let bygones be bygones" or "forgive and forget". No. I'll never forget. And I'm not inclined to forgive someone who has repeatedly lied to my face about what they were doing, gaslighted me, and turned it around to accuse me of doing the same things. I'm even less likely to forgive someone who has never so much as hinted at having any desire for my forgiveness.

If forgiveness truly is "a gift we give to ourselves" then I'll put my focus where it belongs. On forgiving myself. I will work on giving myself the gift of forgiving myself.

It's true, at least some of the time, that "knowledge increases sorrow". (Pretty sure that's in Ecclesiastes. I still remember some things.) And I've known for a very long time that knowing carries a price. That price being, now that you know...what will you do with it? Figuring out that part has been hard.

For me the first step has been acknowledging that it (several "its", actually) really did happen. This has been tough because I had developed the very bad habit of ignoring my gut instinct and disbelieving the evidence of my own eyes. Making up all sorts of bullshit excuses for things; convincing myself that it really wasn't as bad as it looked. (It was every bit as bad as it looked, and more). That's just awful. And worse, minimizing it was something I did to myself.

His betrayals hurt. But my own betrayals of myself hurt more. And *that* is what I need to forgive. It'd be so easy, and weirdly comforting, to slip back into my old habits of minimizing and just plain ignoring. I won't do that anymore. I'm sick to death of it.

I try to talk to myself about all of this the way I'd talk to a beloved friend if they were in a similar situation- You were in an untenable situation. You did the best you could at the time. It's normal for people to respond to terrible, sad, and frightening things by trying to convince themselves that it really isn't as bad as all that. Vulnerable, hurting people do what they can to cope when shitty things happen.

​​​I tell myself to not beat up on myself. There's too many other people in the world who are only too happy to do it for me. I tell myself that the cure for what ails me, for what preys on my mind by day and keeps me from sleeping at night, isn't retail therapy, getting drunk or high, or gorging on chocolate. Even though I quite enjoy those things. Nope. A temporary anodyne to pain can be enjoyable to be sure. But it is only temporary.

I suspect that what's really needed is recognizing my own responsibility here. My responsibility for the choices I made. Not blame. Just responsibility. I already know that I have no control over the choices made by other people. I am the only person whose choices I can control. And when my choices turn out to have been really harmful, the responsibility for dealing with the consequences is, once again, mine alone.

That kinda sucks.

On the other hand, maybe it can free me from constantly stewing over what he said and did. Replaying decades worth of hurts, angers, fears on an endless loop in my mind. The fantasies about what I should have said or done at the time, and kicking myself for not doing so. They're a huge waste of time and energy (as well as being no damn fun at all). Time and energy that are better spent on dealing with the reality of Right Now. And maybe even enjoy doing so, at least sometimes.

Finding my way forward is not something that will happen overnight. It took me twenty six years to reach this point. (Sixty one, if you count everything that came before) Expecting a quick fix would be silly at the very least. Like any other grief it'll take as long as it takes. It's a hard thing to do, acknowledging parts of yourself that you don't really like. The habits and tendencies and reactions that might've seemed like a good idea at the time, but really aren't. Followed by learning all over again how to cope with things that you'd rather not have to cope with.

I can't give someone else something I don't have myself. Who knows, maybe someday when I can fully forgive myself, I might even be able to forgive him.

Thank you for reading, it's appreciated. This is an open thread, all topics are welcome.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/5/9/2167883/-Forgiveness

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