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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2023-05-05
You are now below the fold. (I really gotta patch the hole in that damn fold.)
"The coronation of the world's least-likable orphan is less than a [day] away now, meaning that they're really going through with this, I guess. They're actually going to print bank notes with the image of a man whose face only a mother could love and only two cousins could produce."
—John Oliver “I want everyone to have fun tonight, but please be safe. If you find yourself disoriented or confused, either you’re drunk or you’re Marjorie Taylor Greene.”
—President Biden at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner x Even she’s excited about the Tucker Carlson news pic.twitter.com/CP3rcjTq7d — Samantha Bee (@iamsambee) April 24, 2023 - “I think, Republicans, y’all would be surprised if y’all would just be real about what CRT is. You’d be surprised. Some Black folks might meet you halfway but you got to tell the truth. You can’t lie to Black people. Call it what it is: anti-CRT policies are an attack on Black history and an attempt to erase the contributions of Black people from the history books. That’s what it is. You are trying to erase Black people, and a lot of Black people wouldn’t mind some of that erasure as long as that Black person is Clarence Thomas.”
—The Daily Show’s Roy Wood Jr. at the Correspondents Dinner "New York State Attorney General Letitia James announced over the weekend that more than three thousand guns were accepted in a buyback program. And Texas announced their new Take A Gun, Leave A Gun program."
—Seth Meyers
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 5, 2023
Note: Services for this little piggy who had roast beef that turned out to be tainted due to shoddy food inspection will be held tomorrow at noon, during which the little piggy who had none will feel sad, angry, and a little bit fortunate.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Weeks 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 3
Days 'til the California Nut Festival in Chico: 8
Current fed interest rate after it was raised a quarter point Wednesday: 5.25%
Jobs created in April, way above expectations (and the unemployment rate ticked down to 3.4%): 253,000
Percent of Americans tested for polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAs) who had detectable levels in their blood: 95%
Age of Gordon Lightfoot when he died this week: 84
Expected spending on Mother's Day gifts this year: $29 billion
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to order in the courts. As we head into the first weekend of May, we note that a number of court decisions have been on the right side of history, not to mention the law. Caution: hot takes ahead that may singe your corneas…
United States v. MAGA terrorists Organizers of the January 6th insurrection, who belong to a terrorist cell known as the "Proud Boys" that should've been outlawed years ago, were pronounced GUILTY of seditious conspiracy against the country they call home and to which they pledged their allegiance. I just hope their prison food doesn’t contain maggots, because that would be such an insult. To the maggots. Oh, if only gavels could talk. Disney v. Puddingfingers The lawyers for The Mouse House sued Ron DeSantis in federal court for waging a "targeted campaign of government retaliation" after the company publicly opposed the "Don't Say Gay" law, and they say they have an airtight case thanks to an unimpeachably-solid piece of evidence: DeSantis's own confession to the crime in his new book. Smooth move, Captain Bobblehead. Trump rape/defamation trial The serial sexual abuser defendant is so confident he's innocent that he's going to let the case rest without putting on any kind of defense. (There's no prison time involved and he's confident that, when he loses, the media will spend about 20 seconds on the verdict and then move on to Joe Biden's age.) Trump v. The New York Times and Mary Trump Case dismissed. Trump has to pay all legal fees for wasting the court's time.
And the bombshell no one saw coming that also surprised no one: Clarence Thomas's sugar daddy Harlan Crow—the guy who sets his dinner table with only the finest linen Nazi napkins—paid to send the Supreme Court justice's grandnephew to a cushy private school and Thomas never disclosed it. Now I'm starting to wonder if that Crow dude also paid for Clarence Thomas's infamous porn collection. Find those receipts, Pro Publica, and I'll buy ya lunch.
CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo (or, thanks to our previous president, now also known as Taco Bowl Abuse Awareness Day). This is the one day a year when we can legally re-enact the Battle of Puebla using live ammunition. At Casa de C&J this morning we observed our usual custom of planting a Mexican flag in our neighbor's yard and then taking them prisoner. Finally, after beating our Archduke Maximilian piñata senseless, we dug into some nachos so we could revel in, of course, “an authentic Irish experience.” Meanwhile, the actual Mexicans in Mexico took part in their annual May 5 tradition of rolling their eyes at us and wondering if a wall keeping us out of their country is something they might want to pay for after all.
CHEERS to Self-evident Truths—Part 303 in our 33,975-part series. There's simply no argument on this one: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore. And starting tonight you're really gonna get an eyeful. Yes, it's a rare "Apocalyptic Jazz-Hands Flower Moon” moon, and we hope you're prepared to be dazzled:
May’s full Moon reaches its peak on May 5, 2023. May’s Flower Moon name should be no surprise; flowers spring forth across North America in abundance this month. [Wink.] Hi, Neil. Hi, Michael. “Flower Moon” has been attributed to Algonquin peoples, as confirmed by Christina Ruddy of The Algonquin Way Cultural Centre in Pikwakanagan, Ontario. May’s Moon was also referred to as the “Month of Flowers” by Jonathan Carver in his 1798 publication, Travels Through the Interior Parts of North America: 1766, 1767, 1768 (pp. 250-252), as a likely Dakota name. Carver stayed with the Naudowessie (Dakota) over a period of time; his expedition covered the Great Lakes region, including Wisconsin and Minnesota areas
Usual full-moon drill: if skies are clear, get yer butt out in the back yard, look up, think of Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins (Buzz Aldrin, thankfully, is still with us), and give ‘em a wink. Or, if you’re a werewolf, an “Arooooooooo!!!”
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x This man was born colorblind and lived his whole life not seeing the colors we take for granted. For his 66th b’day his family gave him Enchroma glasses and he saw colors for the first time in his life.
It’s the small things in life that matter
❤️❤️❤️
pic.twitter.com/UEpGVwsVXq — Jessi 💫 (@its_jessi_grace) May 1, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in history. 228 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. If you want to witness the same effect at Fox News, just pull the fire alarm.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If you're looking for a mediocre and half-assed listing of what's appearing on home screens this weekend, you've come to the right mediocre and half-assed place. Things start out the usual Friday way with MSNBC unpacking the day's news dumps. At 8 I’ll be live-tweeting the classic Star Trek episode Elaan of Troyius (H&I Network) at hashtag #allstartrek. Then at 9 there’s a new edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway. And President Biden sits down for a chat with Stephanie Ruhle at 10 on MSNBC’s The 11th Hour.
Or—and I’m just throwing this out there—you could toss your TV in the trash and spend your weekend tiptoeing through the tulips.
The new movies (including the third Guardians of the Galaxy flick) and streamers are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The MLB schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA playoff schedule is here. The 149th Kentucky Derby is tomorrow (as usual my money’s on the mule wearing the rocket shoes). Coverage of the 3-minute race starts 4½ earlier at 2:30 on NBC. SNL is a repeat tomorrow night due to the writers strike.
Speaking of horses, Crabby Chuck takes his long-coveted carriage ride to the Westminster Abbey & Yorkshire Pudding Cafe to claim his rightful place on the throne of England, paving the way for his secret invasion of France through the Chunnel that’s been decades in the planning. Coverage will be on every channel as mandated by law.
On 60 Minutes: an investigation into the Republican obsession with child labor in the U.S., the ins and outs of the lithium industry, and a profile of photographer James Nachtwey. Then: a plague of locusts shuts down Springfield on The Simpsons, and Meg gets married in Russia but soon regrets it on the season finale of Family Guy. After that you’re on your own because John Oliver is taking the week off from Last Week Tonight so he can continue sleeping off his post-coronation hangover.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: House Democratic leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY); Former Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR). This Week: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen; Sen. Jim Lankford (The Cult-OK). Also: the ghost of John Adams shows up to go off on Clarence Thomas in an expletive-laden tirade for the ages. Face the Nation: Homeland Security director Alejandro Mayorkas; Gov. Roy Cooper (D-NC); Rep. Patrick McHenry (The Cult-NC). CNN's State of the Union: Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL); Reps. Jim Himes (D-CT) and Mike Turner (The Cult-OH). Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: RNC stooge to Donald Trump Ronna Mitt Romney’s Niece; Sen. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 5, 2013
CHEERS to the end of an era. We're feeling a little blue this morning in Portland, Maine. We've lost a trusted companion. Kenny led a clean existence. Loved watching soaps and squeezed every last drop out of life. Oh, sure, some accused Kenny of being an agitator. Others said Kenny was a master of spin. But Kenny could be quite delicate at times, believed strongly in a permanent press, and took on some seriously dirty business while we were off distracting ourselves with frivolous things. Sadly, after a thorough examination we were told by a specialist that Kenny had died of old age. There was nothing we could do but throw a sheet over Kenny and call the junk hauler. So this morning please join Michael and me in bidding a sudsy farewell to Kenny, our 20 year-old Kenmore heavy-duty washing machine. We'll miss you, buddy. You were always—[Sniff]—full of Cheer.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The iMac 'puter machine—in blue originally but then expanded to four other "flavors"—was unveiled 25 years ago tomorrow. Said CNET News at the time:
"We'll sell lots of them. This is the sexiest computer I've ever seen," said Jim Halpin, president and CEO of CompUSA, in a phone interview today with CNET's NEWS.COM. […] What? No floppy disc drive? Ha! Steve Jobs will be lucky if he sells ten of these turkeys. Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings—and its PC rivals—in that it will offer lots of built-in features at a low price. The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem, and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, two-and-a-half decades later PCs and laptops now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: black and gray. Mine is both black and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a badass.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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[END]
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