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Cheers and Jeers: Wednesday [1]

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Date: 2023-05-03

Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Note: Today is Garden Meditation Day. Please zen your auras responsibly or I’m pulling out the pepper spray. —Mgr.

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By the Numbers:

2 days!!!

Days 'til the Kentucky Derby: 3

Days 'til Fish-N-Fun in Montello, Wisconsin: 2

Number of attempts to ban more than 2,500 books last year (over half of them LGBT-themed), the highest since the American Library Association began releasing its annual book censorship report in 2001: 1,269

Unemployment claims announced last week, lower than forecast and the lowest since 1970: 230,000

Current size of France's economy: $2.8 trillion

Rank of Jacksonville, San Antonio, and Palm Springs among top cities in which Uber riders forget to take personal items when they get to their destination: #1, #2, #3

Most common time of the day when items are reported lost, according to Uber: 11 pm

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Mid-week Rapture Index: 185 (including 5 "globalisms" and 1 brief apocalypse explainer). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Pootie luvins...

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CHEERS to our sane northern neighbors. While we wait patiently for the Supreme Court to eventually overturn the assault weapons bans enacted in states like Washington and Connecticut, the entire country above us is working on ditching them for good everywhere:

The Canadian government is proposing a ban on assault-style firearms that would apply once legislation now before Parliament comes into force. […] Some say this is the flag of Canada. Others disagree. And we’re out of time so we’ll have to leave it there. “I want to make it clear that our government is not targeting hunters and law-abiding gun owners,” Public Safety Minister Marco Mendicino told a news conference. “What we’re doing is protecting families, protecting our children, protection our communities.” The government also plans to recreate a firearms advisory committee that will make recommendations on the classification of guns now on the market. Mendicino said measures are being taken so future governments “will have a very difficult time making assault-style firearms legal again.”

But not all of Canada's mass-casualty weapons will be targeted. Sadly, the government is still too beholden to the out-of-control French fry and gravy lobby, so for now the right to heat and snarf poutine shall not be infringed.

JEERS to bumping your head. Well, kids, here we go. In its mad desire to feast on carnage and chaos, the House MAGA cult has torn up and set fire to America's credit card bill. And it looks like a whole lotta pipers are about to not get paid:

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen warned congressional leaders Monday that the United States could be unable to pay its bills as soon as early June, a much faster timetable than many had previously thought.[…] “After reviewing recent federal tax receipts, our best estimate is that we will be unable to continue to satisfy all of the government’s obligations by early June, and potentially as early as June 1, if Congress does not raise or suspend the debt limit before that time,” Yellen said in a letter to congressional leaders of both parties.

The first thing not to do in this situation is panic. If worst comes to worst, please know that the billionaire class will be fine, as will their families, servants, and financial advisers. But to ensure their spirits are properly buoyed, I suggest we all send them a "Hang in there, it's almost Friday" card with a kitten hanging off a tree branch. Never fails.

CHEERS to the shining city on a hill. Happy 221st Birthday to Washington, D.C., incorporated May 3, 1802. (These old maps are cool—I hear you can see Russia from the Capitol dome.)

1792 map of Washington, D.C. by surveyor Andrew Ellicott

I was going to send everyone who lives there a gift basket filled with representation to go with your taxation, but Congress—led by Democrat Joe Manchin—says it can’t deliver that item on certain days. Namely Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So instead I'm sending you a lovely Lincoln Memorial snow globe. (When you shake it, a little plastic Marjorie Taylor-Greene falls down the steps and gets an owie.)

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BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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x Ctenoides ales is a saltwater clam also known as disco clam because its soft tissues flash light like a disco ball

[read more: https://t.co/F5yRVXDsnI]pic.twitter.com/PYAA0xLkuI — Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) May 1, 2023

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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

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JEERS to HELLO URGENT MESSAGE KIND MADAM 7 PLEASE RLPY V&i*GR#A HOT SEXY LOVER NEED ASSISTANCE!! We can't let today go by without acknowledging the 45th anniversary of spam. It had a fascinating beginning. Via Geekosystem, here's how it started back in 1978:

Gary Thuerk, a marketer for the Digital Equipment Corporation, blasted out his message to 400 of the 2600 people on ARPAnet, the DARPA-funded so-called “first Internet.” Naturally: He was selling something. (Computers, or more specifically, information about open houses where people could check out the computers.) He annoyed a lot of people. And he also had some success, with a few recipients interested in what he was pushing. And thus, spam was born.

Aren't we lucky. Now if you'll excuse me, I just got an email I have to attend to from "ÍâÃ³¾Àí/½ø³ö¿Ú¾Àí " with the subject line"|ÍâÃ³½Óµ¥Óëº£Íâ©µ ¥»ñÈ¡²ßÂÔ|" It might be news from my favorite Nigerian finance minister. Or his widow. (Thoughts and prayers.)

CHEERS to momentum. Here’s a quick status report on the various legal tussles the 45th president of the United States is mired in as of May 3, 2023:

Georgia election tampering: Imminent indictments! Theft of classified documents: Imminent indictments! Wire fraud: Imminent indictments! Inciting insurrection: Imminent indictments! Falsifying business records: Imminent indictments! Rape/defamation trial: Imminent verdict!

This item has been brought to you by the letter I. As in, I’ll believe it when I see it.

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Ten years ago in C&J: May 3, 2013

JEERS to wondering if you should've closed the barn door 13 years after the horse left and died of old age. Former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor, furiously trying to erase the blackest stain on her record, now wonders if maybe the court made a mistake taking Bush v. Gore and handing the White House keys to what turned out to be a catastrophic president and his warmonger veep. But I seem to remember that when O'Connor heard that Gore might win back in 2000, she made it pretty clear about where she stood:

[A]t an election-night party on Nov. 7, surrounded for the most part by friends and familiar acquaintances, she let her guard drop for a moment when she heard the first critical returns shortly before 8 p.m. Sitting in her hostess's den, staring at a small black-and-white television set, she visibly started when CBS anchor Dan Rather called Florida for Al Gore. "This is terrible," she exclaimed. […] Moments later, with an air of obvious disgust, she rose to get a plate of food, leaving it to her husband to explain her somewhat uncharacteristic outburst. John O'Connor said his wife was upset because they wanted to retire to Arizona, and a Gore win meant they'd have to wait another four years.

Given the opportunity, she and her four conservative pals on the court installed Bush. Her replacement: Alito. Now she's thinking she might like takesie backsies, if it's not too much trouble. Hey MIT, how's that time machine coming along?

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And just one more…

JEERS to Wankerrific Moments in Self-importance. Sometimes an op-ed column is, not unlike an Ed Wood movie, so bad that it achieves a special place in the archive of eye rolling. That’s why May 3rd is officially designated "Richard Cohen Day." On May 3, 2006, Cohen went into a tirade against Stephen Colbert's routine at the White House Correspondents' Dinner—now considered a courageous and often gut-busting classic skewering a scowling George W. Bush as the president sat just a few feet away. Cohen defended his ability to gauge what's funny and what's not with perhaps the most wince-worthy opening paragraph of the decade:

First, let me state my credentials: I am a funny guy. Funny guy. This is well known in certain circles, which is why, even back in elementary school, I was sometimes asked by the teacher to "say something funny"—as if the deed could be done on demand.

Even elementary school kids know that if you have to convince us that you're funny by telling us you're funny…you're not funny. Funny how that works.

P.S. Biden at this years dinner: “I want everyone to have fun tonight, but please be safe. If you find yourself disoriented or confused, either you’re drunk or you’re Marjorie Taylor Greene.” Now that’s funny.

Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial “I think Bill in Portland Maine is much more the villain in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool than people give him credit for. So that’s just my opinion.” —Al Franken

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[END]
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