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Cheers and Jeers: Thursday [1]
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Date: 2023-03-30
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 30, 2023
Note: I saw a crocus coming out of the ground in our back yard. Recognizing that we still have multiple cold snaps to come, I took my giant wooden Thor mallet and pounded it back into the ground, then covered it with a cinderblock until it’s safe. One day it’ll thank me. I truly believe that. I also truly believe that crocus is really JFK, Jr.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til voting ends in the Wisconsin state Supreme Court election: 5
Days 'til the National Grits Festival in Warwick, Georgia: 9
Minimum amount that women-owned businesses add to the U.S. GDP every year: $1.8 trillion
Number of businesses in the U.S. that are owned by women: 12 million
Increase in U.S. travel on all roads between January 2022 and January 2023, according to DOT: 5.6%
Number of vehicle miles traveled in January of this year: 272.5 billion
Number of viewers of the Oscars, up 13% from last year: 18.7 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Accustomed as I am to listening to Texas legislators bloviate for hours on end, I found nothing odd in U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay's arguments against gun control. "Our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud," said DeLay, in the course of explaining to us why 12 students and a teacher were shot to death by two other students in Littleton, Colo. Obviously, being taught that we are nothing but glorified apes who are evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud is enough to drive anyone to violence; the mere thought makes you want to go out and shoot a dozen or so teenagers, doesn't it? But in the interests of fairness, I should point out that Tom DeLay himself is exceptionally good evidence for the theory that man is descended from monkeys. And damn recently, too. [...] DeLay blames all of this—the theory of evolution, birth control, small family size, day care, abortion and moral relativism — for the shootings in Littleton. He does not blame guns. He blames liberals. —June 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: 21 pups in 27 hours!!!
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CHEERS to sending a blunt message to Governor Puddingfingers. Vice President Kamala Harris fired up Jetpack Two this week and blasted off for the continent of Africa (or as the previous president calls it, "the country of Africa") to spread democracy and small-d democratic values. And in one notable moment while visiting Ghana's Cape Coast slave castle, she went off-script to fire a shot at a certain revisionist historian (and Harvard-educated adult who does, in fact, eat pudding with his fingers) at home:
Harris and second gentleman Doug Emhoff spent about an hour at the site, and passed through the Door of No Return, known as the final step before those who were kidnapped were forced onto ships to be transported across the Atlantic Ocean. VP Harris inside Cape Coast Castle, a place Ron DeSantis will never visit because he doesn’t think it exists. "The horror of what happened here must always be remembered. It cannot be denied. It must be taught. History must be learned," she said, straying from her prepared speech to emphasize the issue. "We must then be guided by what we know also to be the history of those who survived," she said. "They tell another history—a history of endurance, a history of faith, a history in believing what is possible," she said. Harris' remarks come after an uproar over Florida's Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis' decision to block a new high school Advanced Placement course on Black history. DeSantis is expected to run for his party's nomination for the 2024 presidential race.
Outraged by the vice president's insolence, Governor DeSantis immediately ordered Disney World to build a new Ghana exhibit at Epcot Center so he could turn around and order them to take it down.
JEERS to today's edition of Oh, No Price Gouging Going On Here! Courtesy of CNN:
Cal-Maine Foods, the largest egg producer in the United States, reported revenue doubled and profit surged 718% last quarter because of sharply higher egg prices. Despite the higher prices, the total number of eggs it sold edged up 1%, so its overall revenue rose 109% to $997.5 million. That doubling of revenue was nothing compared to its profits, however. Net income soared to $323.2 million from only $39.5 million a year ago.
This has been today's edition of Oh, No Price Gouging Going On Here!
JEERS to taking your non-existent relationship too far.
I remember that day like it was yesterday.
Forty-two years ago today, on March 30, 1981, President Ronald Reagan, along with Press Secretary James Brady, police officer Thomas Delahanty and Secret Service agent Timothy McCarthy, got shot by some whackjob who wanted to present a dead-president-skin rug to Jodie Foster as a wedding gift. At first they didn’t think Reagan's wound was serious, but something about losing half his blood prompted a diversion to George Washington Medical Center. The rest ("Honey, I forgot to duck," "I hope you're all Republicans") is history. By the way, anyone care to take a guess as to what group the president from the now-union-hating party was lavishing praise on at the Washington Hilton that day? The AFL-CIO. Don’t that just boggle the mind.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in disappearing stuff. On March 30, 1858, the pencil-with-attached-eraser was patented by Hyman L. Lipman of Philadelphia. Then things got a bit ugly:
In 1862 Lipman sold his patent to Joseph Reckendorfer for $100,000, who went [on] to sue the pencil manufacturer Faber for infringement. “My God, Spock. What...has Lipman...done?” In 1875 the Supreme Court of the United States ruled against Reckendorfer declaring the patent invalid because his invention was actually a combination of two already known things with no new use.
It should come as no surprise that former Trump officials wrote their memoirs using both sides of their Lipman pencils. One end to make up their own facts, and the other end to erase the real facts.
CHEERS to C&J’s EXCLUSIVE International Roundup. The latest from the world of the world:
Britain? Don't ask. Ukraine? Don't ask. Russia? Don't ask. Myanmar? Don't ask. Finland? As always, happy happy. Thanks for asking! Afghanistan? Don't ask. Mexico? Don't ask. Israel? Don’t ask. France? Don't ask.
Any questions?
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 30, 2013
JEERS to horrifying thoughts. Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-TX), the tea party loon who's been warning us about "terror babies" and other assorted paranoid horrors, got into a scrape with the cops the other night when he was…
Shortly after 11 p.m. on March 13, officers wrote Rep. Louie Gohmert a citation for parking his black Ford SUV in a spot reserved for National Park Service vehicles, according to a Park Police report obtained by POLITICO. But Gohmert wasn’t having it: He told the Park Police that his congressional parking placard allows him to park in that spot, and he’s on the committee that oversees the agency. He was “rude and irate,” one officer reported. Another wrote that Gohmert was “ranting.”
That he acted like a jerk doesn't bother me. That he may have been right doesn't faze me. But knowing that he has a licence to drive a motor vehicle??? Holy mother of god. Give the man a wide berth.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Bill in Portland Maine: Prediction Man! I wish to point out that two years ago today I linked to this story about President Biden's unprecedented commitment to putting forth a diverse slate of super-qualified judicial nominees to counter his predecessor’s four-year campaign of throwing super-unqualified white men onto various federal benches. In his first two years Joe's gotten a whopping 118 judges confirmed, the majority of them women and over half of them minorities. I also posted a photo and a caption, and we're posting it two years later to prove yet again that my technologically-advanced prediction powers are downright scary…
Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Our next Supreme Court justice? [Shakes Magic 8 Ball] Maybe!
Am I a total genius for calling it? I’ll defer to my higher authority...
[Shakes Magic 8 Ball]
"You're An Old Man Who Yells At Squirrels. Don't Push Your Luck, Gramps." I'll take that as a yes.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial One group that might benefit from drinking Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool water is athletes—people who regularly lose large quantities of electrolytes through sweat and could use the high algae and cigarette butt content in C&J. —USA Today
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[END]
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