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Trump proves he's the undisputed 2024 GOP frontrunner by citing a poll from ... Catturd [1]
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Date: 2023-03-26
Indeed, the MAGA cult doesn’t just want lies—they want ridiculous, barmy lies that could be disproven by Googling for 10 seconds, or spending less than half that time simply looking at Trump’s face.
Lies like this:
x Donald Trump citing new important polling from the premium data firm Catturd2.
https://t.co/JJaxadmgvh — Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) March 25, 2023
Look! It’s a new survey from the venerable and highly respected polling firm Catturd!
Mic drop! Or, in this case, “mice drop.” Because, you know, it’s a cat turd. (I’ll see myself out.)
And just in case you were wondering—yes, this is real. The actual former president of the United States felt compelled to prove he’s more popular than his upstart rival, and he did so by citing a wildly unscientific poll from—let me just double-check this one more time to make sure I’m not irresponsibly libeling an ex-POTUS—Catturd. He isn’t just insulting our intelligence, he’s cutting its face off with a Swiss Army Knife can opener and proudly wearing it to the spring cotillion—even though freshly harvested face-wearing is strictly verboten in the Hamptons past Labor Day.
The Party of Lincoln is over. It’s now a cult of personality that’s led—and wholly owned—by a guy who is to Abraham Lincoln as a steaming, putrescent heap of piss-mottled wallaby guts is to … Abraham Lincoln.
Indeed, a stubbornly large percentage of Republicans don’t want a McLean Deluxe. They want a Double Bacon With Cheese McLard Deluxe. The point is to wallow in unhealthy fats—not to limit them. After all, these folks have spent the past seven-plus years insisting that seat belts are for losers, and they’re sure not going to change their minds now just because they’ve gone through the windshield. Full speed ahead!
The irony is that DeSantis really is losing ground with Republican primary voters. Trump could have cited any number of respected pollsters to show it—but why do that when Catturd is right at your fingertips, and you’ve conditioned your orc horde to believe literally anything you say?
The upshot of all this is that it is now a metaphysical certitude that the next GOP presidential nominee will be a deeply horrible person—even if it isn’t Trump. (He really might be in prison, after all.) And this horrible person will need to appeal to a dwindling contingent of horrible deplorables by doubling and tripling down on all the same extremist garbage (forced births for pre-teens, anyone?) that caused them to face-plant over the past three election cycles. And this time, anyway, Catturd is unlikely to save them. Because Trump has long since pushed the party all the way over the cliff.
Good luck in 2024, Republicans! You’re gonna need it.
Check out Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s four-volume Trump-trashing compendium, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2023/3/26/2160286/-Trump-proves-he-s-the-undisputed-2024-GOP-frontrunner-by-citing-a-poll-from-Catturd
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