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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2023-03-24
You are now below the fold. Deer and antelope: please play responsibly.
"Donald Trump made the announcement that he expects to be arrested on Tuesday. You know it's bad when a former president announces that he's going to be arrested, and the general response is: for which crime?"
—James Corden "The truth is, there's no good reason for Trump to be in any of this trouble. If Casanobrain had just paid Stormy Daniels the $130,000 himself, he wouldn't have an issue in New York. If President Karen hadn’t picked up the phone and called around Georgia asking to speak to its manager to find 11-thousand votes, he wouldn't have an issue in Georgia. If he'd just tweeted the words 'calm down, go home' four hours earlier like everyone, including his daughter, told him to, he wouldn’t have an issue on January 6th. And if the Great White Hope Chest hadn't boxed up his love letters from the Saudis and Kim Jong Un, squirreled 'em out of the White House and into the rec room at Golf-a-Lago, he wouldn’t have an issue with the FBI. In every case the reason he's in trouble is because he is the dumbest criminal in the world. He's Al Cabonehead, is what he is."
—Jimmy Kimmel Ukraine judo-chops Putin’s mighty war machine: x It’s been reported that russia has recruited Steven Seagal to teach martial arts to its soldiers.
Rumor has it that the Seagal-style running technique will be included in the training.
russian soldiers will now be able to run away from their positions with weird hand motions. pic.twitter.com/rEGr2xfwuf — Defense of Ukraine (@DefenceU) March 23, 2023 - “The Iowa GOP wants 14-year-olds to be able to work in meat processing plants, because the one thing teenagers are known for is USDA standards of sanitary compliance.”
—Stephen Colbert "According to a new survey, people who live in rural areas are more depressed, anxious, and neurotic than people who live in cities. Sounds counterintuitive, but then again I've never seen 'truck nuts' on a Yellow Cab."
—Seth Meyers
And one year ago…
"Russia has responded to sanctions by banning the export of Russian-made cars. But a Russian-made car is just a drunk bear on roller skates."
—Michael Che, SNL
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 24, 2023
Note: C&J is taking a break on Monday because good lord, people, have you seen what's going on out there? Back Tuesday with a blueprint for getting the nation back on track with nothing more than thumbtacks and turnip juice. —Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
9 days!!!
Days 'til Easter: 16
Days 'til the San Francisco International Chocolate Salon: 9
Energy production-related carbon dioxide emissions last year according to the IEA, up 0.9% and the highest since records started being kept in 1900: 36.8 gigatons
Weekly initial unemployment claims announced by the Labor Dept. yesterday, below expectations and still the lowest since 1969: 191,000
Estimated peak wind of the "microcell" tornado that hit Montebello, California, just south of L.A., and destroyed 11 buildings: 100mph
The last time a tornado that strong hit the L.A. area: 1983
Number of letters in "lachanophobia," the fear of vegetables: 13
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
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CHEERS to order in the courts. As we head into the last weekend of March (already???), we note that a number of court decisions have been on the right side of history, not to mention the law. Caution: hot takes ahead that may singe your corneas…
» Trump's lawyer was forced to testify…and fast…about how his client Donald Trump likely lied to him about the status of all those classified documents, which could add another charge or two to the list when indictments come down from legal barracuda Jack Smith. Some say this is a gavel. Others disagree. And we’re out of time so we’ll have to leave it there. » The Arizona Supreme Court told the MAGA loser in the governor's race, Kari Lake, that her claim the election was stolen from her was bullshit and she should go pound some 'o that fine sand that Arizona is so famous for. I recommend she do it in the Sonoran Desert at high noon. » A federal judge in Wyoming put the brakes on the state MAGA party's total ban on abortion because it likely violates the part of the state constitution that says adults have a fundamental right to make their own healthcare decisions. Oops! That provision was added by Republicans not too long ago to try and throw a wrench in the implementation of the Affordable Care Act. Point: karma. » Meanwhile, we're still waiting to hear if the judge in the Dominion Voting Systems defamation lawsuit against Fox News is going to bypass a jury trial (which would start next month) and issue a summary judgment because the evidence is so ironclad. If Fox loses, Rupert Murdoch, being the asshole he is, will instruct his assistant Gladys to take the $1.6 billion judgment out of petty cash and have it delivered in pennies.
And if you're wondering if the six conservatives on the Supreme Court will be doing anything crazy this weekend, the answer is no. Just the usual bloodletting rituals, spring cleaning of the star chamber, and a few games of Pin The Scarlet Letter On The Libertine.
CHEERS to embracing the dark side. Don’t forget to turn off your lights (yes, including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 local time and join the world in going dark for the World Wildlife Federation's 60th annual Earth Hour:
Started by WWF and partners as a symbolic lights-out event in Sydney in 2007, Earth Hour is now one of the world's largest grassroots movements for the environment. Held every year on the last Saturday of March, Earth Hour engages millions of people in more than 180 countries and territories, switching off their lights to show support for our planet. Today, Earth Hour aims to increase awareness and spark global conversations on protecting nature, tackling the climate crisis, and working together to shape a brighter future for us all.
Give it a try. You'll save a little juice, save a little scratch, and join the rest of the planet in a good cause. As a special bonus, staring into a black void for a bit will give you a rare glimpse into what it looks like inside a Republican's head when someone asks them to come up with a good idea to fight climate change.
CHEERS to makin' up and makin' nice. Forty-four years ago Sunday, on March 26, 1979, Israel's Menachem Begin and Egypt's Anwar Sadat signed a historic peace agreement that is still holding up today:
The Egypt-Israel peace treaty was a direct result of the Camp David Peace Accords, signed in September 1978. President Sadat and Prime Minister Begin were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize later that year. Took ‘em three hours to get their hands untwisted. Under the accords, Israel agreed to withdraw troops from the Sinai Peninsula in return for Egypt's recognition of the state of Israel. Palestinians were also granted the right to some self-determination.
Said Sadat of the mediator, Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who is still with us at 98, although now in hospice care: "[He is] the man who performed the miracle. Without exaggeration, what he did constitutes one of the greatest achievements of our time." Yeah, we're kinda fond of him ourselves.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Little boy stealing the show.. 😊 pic.twitter.com/saNSkbf8m8 — Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) March 18, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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JEERS to the other modern-day black plague besides covid. Thirty-four years ago, at 12:04 am on March 24, 1989, Captain Joseph Hazelwood was dreaming happy dreams when his tanker, the Exxon Valdez, was running aground and spilling 11.3 million gallons of crude all over Prince William Sound. After more than three decades of false promises to "put things right" and endless legal wrangling on the part of the oil giant to minimize its liability, a simple lifting of most any shoreline rock reveals that the damage is still readily apparent. Conservation writer Tim Lydon wrote on the 30th anniversary:
Dig a shallow hole into certain beaches along Alaska’s Prince William Sound and you will still find oil from the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill. As your shovel scrapes through gravel, the crude will mix with the water seeping into the small hole. 32 years later. The first time I did this was nine years ago, while visiting researchers studying the spill’s lingering impacts. Holding an oil-stained stone in my gloved hand, my mind flashed to March 24, 1989, when I first heard the news that the Exxon Valdez, a 300-meter tanker, had run aground on Bligh Reef. […] As the spill recedes into a more distant past and climate change accelerates, it becomes harder to tease out the disaster’s continuing effects. Less debatable is the lingering damage to the area’s wilderness resource, specifically amid the 8,000 square kilometers of western Prince William Sound that fall within America’s largest congressionally designated wilderness study area. With oil beneath beaches, certain species unrecovered, abandoned structures, and garbage still present, the wilderness remains injured.
In fact, time has pretty much elevated a theory into a law as immutable as any Newton ever came up with: the only thing you can trust an oil company to do is something terrible.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If couch-potato’ing is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that may pop up on your TV. The Friday news dumps get unpacked by Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew. The hilarious Greg Proops is the guest comic at 9 on a new edition of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Bill Maher's guests tonight—for those who still bother to tune in—on HBO's Real Time include Andy Sedaris, New York University business professor Scott Galloway, and Give People Money: How a Universal Basic Income Would End Poverty, Revolutionize Work, and Remake the World author Annie Lowery.
Jen’s first show killed it in the ratings, even beating Fox News in 12pm time slot. Her website is here.
The new movies and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NHL schedule is here, and the NBA schedule is here. You'll find the NCAA women's and men's put-the-ball-through-the-basketball-ring tournament info here (ESPN) and here (CBS). And the World Figure Skating Championships are tomorrow night on NBC. Aubrey Plaza (The White Lotus) hosts SNL.
Sunday evening on 60 Minutes: advancements in prosthetics and a profile of Charles Barkley. No Simpsons or Family Guy this weekend, but the gods are making up for it by starting the new (and final) season of Succession (9pm) on HBO. After that you’re on your own since John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight has the night off.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: TBA The ghost of Uncle Walter shows up on all the shows to issue everyone a disappointed tsk-tsk. Meet the Press: Former U.S. attorney Preet Bharara; Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopenis; Gov. Spencer Cox (The Cult-UT). Face the Nation: national Security Council spokesman John Kirby; Senator Mark Warner (D-VA); Minneapolis Fed president Neel Kashkari. CNN's State of the Union: Reps. Ro Khanna (D-CA), Cathy McMorris Rodgers (The Cult-WA), and James Comer (The Cult-KY); Sen. Mark Warner. Fox We Know We’re Lying About Everything Sunday: Rep. Michael McCaul (The Cult-TX).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 24, 2013
CHEERS to seeing double. Well, here's something we haven't seen in, like, ever. The new pope visited the old pope over the weekend, and it didn’t involve the former visiting the latter's crypt. Instead, they enjoyed eggs Benedict and bloody Marys over a few games of mahjong and a good time was had by all. Although it briefly got a little awkward when God called and Francis said, "Sorry, Benny, would you excuse me? I gotta take this."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the best science officer in the galaxy. This guy:
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Happy 92nd birthday (Sunday), Leonard Nimoy, wherever you are. (And Happy Leonard Nimoy Day in Boston.) We could really use an mass-infusion of your logic down here right about now.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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[END]
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