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ceci n'est pas les HOT TAKES (fifty state edition) [1]
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Date: 2023-03-08
the coolest thing about all the anti-woke, anti-CRT, anti-transgender legislation circulating throughout the country is the immediate impact it will have on working class families struggling with inflation.
I have compiled some of these super awesome laws from around the country, enjoy!
Florida will have the cheapest milk around!
Tennessee y'all get eggs that are practically *free*
here in Texas they're literally paying you to gas up your car!
I hear in Missouri they're giving away air fryers for every teenager that commits suicide, it's a great deal.
In Arkansas if you report use of the word "Latinx" you get 10% off your next Walgreens purchase (not valid with other coupon offers).
and if you're in Alabama, every purchase (full price) of a vial of insulin comes with a free DVD copy of Rosanne Barr's hit comedy special "Cancel This!"
sorry, Illinois, as they say"go woke, go broke" you guys all get season tickets for the Chicago Bears.
Connecticut what were you even thinking? You shall all be forced to relocate to Connecticut.
Oh and Mississippi for every HBCU y'all eliminate this year, one of your lucky millionaires will travel to the very edge of outer space, courtesy Blue Origin.
Hawai'i you're on notice! You keep letting your men wear flowers and you'll find the cost of interstate travel all the more expensive.
Anyone found using pronouns in Louisiana shall be boiled alive.
Nebraska will not be forgotten so long as the music of John Denver lives on.
Iowa! Y'all better be breeding.
Any biological female in Utah caught wearing pants shall have her pay cut by $0.23/hour.
Ohio your railroads shall be regulated by the solid linebacker corps of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Oregon, if you insist on being "politically correct" your volcanoes will remain active.
once Critical Race Theory is eradicated Alaska can once again very proudly proclaim itself "Birthplace of the Blues."
North and South Dakota once you eliminate all abortion you get to switch places.
Rhode Island! What a town!
California if you continue to insist upon policies of inclusivity you will become the new engineering headquarters of Tesla. Beware!
We are all very proud of Oklahoma for recognizing fracking as a vegetable.
In Idaho all firearms shall be referred to by feminine pronouns. This is punishable by death.
Kentucky drag shows must now be radio plays.
the only residents of Colorado entitled to birth control must first prove membership in the "Mile High Club."
any New Yorker found guilty of homelessness shall become the property of Tom Selleck.
oppressed non-native citizens of Washington state may now legally refer to Seattle as Doc Maynard City.
same-sex marriages will no longer be recognized by the state of Montana, they will hereafter be referred to as "roommates-for-life."
in New Mexico it is now enshrined law that only biological males may become professional female actors.
Virginia women are now classified as catalytic converters.
in a victory for New Hampshire conservatives, you may not vote until the age of 70.
this just in from Michigan, the so-called "morning-after pill" may only be acquired during periods of mourning following mass shootings resulting in three or more civilian deaths.
an Indiana bill now requires a 25-foot buffer zone between police and protestors. Any attempt to convert this distance into meters shall result in a class 3 felony charge.
a new Kansas law would undermine the influence of investment strategists applying environmental, social and corporate governance litmus tests to analysis of market options.
The Wyoming Republican Party is seeking to kill a bill working its way through the state Legislature proposing to raise the state's legal marriage age to 16, arguing that putting "arbitrary" limits on child marriage interferes with parental rights and religious liberty.
Nevada has finally legalized Russian Roulette, totally on-brand TBH.
meanwhile in Massachusetts any new movies involving Jane Fonda and Tom Brady must be filmed entirely in Kodachrome before being destroyed.
in 2023, there shall be no law enforced within the state of Maine.
Wisconsin lawmakers eagerly await the result of a special election to fill a ten-year term on the state supreme court as if it won't be 2011 Aaron Rodgers.
a proposed law in Minnesota would authorize background checks on law enforcement officer candidates, thus ensuring that all white supremacists get a fair shot at employment regardless of their official race.
Arizona lawmakers are considering a rule that would prohibit swim teams.
in Vermont you may not legally change your gender until you receive critical acclaim for your portrayal of Rosalind in "As You Like It."
a new Georgia law seeks to target child illiteracy by burning every goddamned book ever written.
In an effort to avoid confusion, the capitol of Pennsylvania is now Philadelphia.
to reduce the effect of inflation, South Carolina will go below sea level.
North Carolina lawmakers are proposing a private school "savings account" live on national TV on a "kiss cam" spot during March Madness. It may get awkward.
Delaware stole fizzy lifting drinks. It gets *nothing.*
Maryland legislators are considering changing the national motto from "In God We Trust" to "E Pluribus Unum." Like, what does that even mean??
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