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Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY! [1]
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Date: 2023-03-03
You are now below the fold. Mind the stalactites.
"Tucker Carlson has been granted access to over 40,000 hours of security footage from the January 6th riots. 'Who could watch all that without going insane?' said psychiatrists about Tucker Carlson's show."
—Colin Jost, SNL "Georgia congresswoman Marjorie Taylor-Greene said in a twitter post that she was attacked by an insane woman inside a restaurant. Luckily, the incident was resolved after the restaurant took the mirror down."
—Seth Meyers "In 2018 Donald Trump—who was at the time president of the United States—was so upset about my jokes I made about him that he directed staffers at the White House to call Disney to tell them to rein me in. The report says at least two calls were made from the Trump White House to 'convey the president's anger regarding Kimmel's monologues and jabs.' In other words, President Karen demanded to speak to my manager. You'd think the guy who fathered Eric and Don Jr. would know how to handle jokes."
—Jimmy Kimmel x He actually lives on that street. #Colbert pic.twitter.com/Ap1goTY3x1 — The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) March 3, 2023 - "China is trying to help end the war in Ukraine and proposed a 12-part plan for peace. The catch is the 12 parts have to be assembled by children."
—Michael Che, SNL "The funniest part of all this is, even having done that, his supporters are still standing firmly behind him. Honestly, in the end, the best and worst thing I can say about James O'Keefe is that he is not actually the hero the conservative movement needs. But he is definitely the one that it deserves."
—John Oliver, on O'Keefe's ouster from his own Project Veritas propaganda mill for mismanagement and misuse of funds
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 3, 2023
Note: Whistle while you work, Putin is a jerk, Trumpolini kissed his weenie, now it doesn’t work. That story plus Chet with your weekend forecast tonight on NewsCenter at 11.
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By the Numbers:
8 days!!!
Days 'til we turn our clocks forward: 9
Days 'til the Kona Brewers Festival on Hawaii's Big Island: 8
Amount at which Eli Lilly will start capping insulin prices: $35
Increase in visitor and convention traffic, respectively, in Las Vegas in January 2023 versus January 2022: 32%, 72%
Average life expectancy of women and men, respectively, in the U.S.: 79 / 73
The Empire State Building's exclusive Zip code: 10118
Number of bison that broke free from their pen in Fort Fairfield, Maine and took police on a wild bison chase, which got all the locals' tongues a' waggin’, ayuh: 3
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend brunch gets weird…
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CHEERS to throwing a wrench in the narrative. Earlier this week the Supreme Court—three reality-based justices and six scowling, bought-and-paid-for Puritans in buckle hats—heard arguments on the legality of President Biden's student loan forgiveness program. Immediately after, the press instinctively raced to their typewriters and pecked out predictions of gloom and doom—a sure defeat was coming for #46 and the millions of Americans who would benefit from the plan.
But wait!!! What's this??? Wednesday afternoon there came a glimmer of hope as the dust settled and it sunk in that Biden's lawyer ran circles around the plaintiffs' hacks and succinctly presented a seemingly airtight case:
Experts lobbed praise on Solicitor General Elizabeth Prelogar, the lawyer who represented the Biden administration in front of the nine justices Tuesday. Elizabeth Prelogar SMASH! “The Biden administration now seems more likely than not to win the cases,” said higher education expert Mark Kantrowitz. “Her preparation, poise and power were impressive,” Kantrowitz said. University of Illinois Chicago law professor Steven Schwinn agreed: “Prelogar knocked it out of the park. I do think she could have influenced or even changed the thinking of two justices, maybe more.” On Wednesday, Fordham law professor Jed Shugerman tweeted that here mains “struck by SG Elizabeth Prelogar’s brilliant performance.”
If she wins the cases, I know just what we should give her for a job well done: anything she damn well wants.
CHEERS to a slight change in plans. I was going to give you the latest updates on the economy, health care, Ukraine, the wild California weather, and whatever the hell Republicans in the House are doing these days. But I'm afraid I have to toss all of that aside because my C&J cub reporters tossed something much more urgent on my desk—an apparent change in policy regarding the inevitable moment we will all one day be chased by a bear while hanging out with our buddies:
The National Park Service issued the warning on Tuesday, saying that you should refrain from pushing down someone slower "even if you feel the friendship has run its course." Instead of serving your friend—or perhaps a former one—up as bait, the service said that there are several other approaches you can take to help make sure you both make it out safely.
C&J has kept a list of tips handy just in case: 1) enlist a neutral third-party (like, say, the Swedish ambassador) to help negotiate an equitable settlement at a peace table in Brussels, 2) use the corner of your smartphone to hastily dig a survival bunker while gently repeating "Hold on, bear, I'm getting you some honey," or 3) paint your face blue and orange, hold up a giant foam #1 finger and say with all the confidence you can muster: "It's Chicago's year—all the way to the Super Bowl, baby!" Good luck.
JEERS to humans behaving badly. 77 years ago this week, in 1946, prompted by the shenanigans of Josef Stalin (who died this week in 1953) in post-World War II Europe, Winston Churchill introduced the new "Iron Curtain" in a speech at Westminster College in Fulton, Missouri. Or as Bed Bath & Beyond later called it: "our worst-selling curtain ever."
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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x Raskin to Boebert: Democrat is the noun. When you use it as an adjective, you say Democratic.. As if every time we mentioned the other party it just came out with a kind of political speech impediment like, oh, the Banana Republican Party. pic.twitter.com/eSVfqzeZqN — Acyn (@Acyn) February 28, 2023
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to the land of milk and hippies. Happy birthday to our commune-dwelling New England sibling Vermont!!! You became our 14th state on tomorrow’s date in 1791.
The official seal of the great state of Vermont.
Besides Ben and Jerry, Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Peter Welch, and a nuclear power plant that makes me nervous, Vermont—aka “The Green Mountain State”—is home to Howard Dean, who became the first governor to pass civil unions for same-sex couples and exclaimed, "YOU have the power!" It's also the birthplace of tractor dude John Deere, Brigham Young, Rudy Vallee, the 21st president Chester Arthur, and the 30th president Calvin Coolidge, who slept ten hours a day and once murmured, "When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results." Wow...no wonder Republicans are always thought of as the economic whiz kids.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Rumor has it there's stuff on TV this weekend and I guess I'll take them at their word. If the latest news outside of C&J is your thing, there’s Chris Hayes and the MSNBC crew to deliver the goods. Or, if you’re me, you’ll savor watching Captain Kirk take on a Wiley Romulan foe (Mark Lenard, who would later play Spock’s dad) on a classic episode of Star Trek at 8 (H&I network, with snarky live-tweeting at #allstartrek). Then tonight at 9—and again Sunday at 9—there’s bacy-to-back episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? And at 10 Bill Maher talks with Senator Bernie Sanders and pundit John Heilemann on HBO’s Real Time.
Yes. Staring at a South Park snow globe counts toward your TV viewing total.
The new movies (Creed III tops the list this week) and streaming options are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NHL schedule is here, and praise Baby Jesus we can start publishing the major league baseball schedule again (only spring training at the moment, but still...) The featured golf tourney this week is the Arnold Palmer Invitational on NBC. Travis Kelce (of Kansas City Chiefs fame) hosts SNL.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a report on Ukrainian prisoners of war, and a profile of David Byrne. Bart’s latest prank causes chaos on The Simpsons, and on Family Guy Stewie ends up with multiple personalities when he goes down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. At 11 we click over to HBO for a fresh edition of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight. Then it’s off to bed, young man and/or lady, and no late-night smartphoning.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA What, was this guy not available, ABC News? ABC News’ This Week: Senators Sherrod Brown (D-OH) and Dan Sullivan (The Cult-AK); and the only reason I can think of for booking kooky Marianne Williamson is she offered George Stephanopoulos a free tarot card reading and a bag of magic crystals. Face the Nation: TBA CNN's State of the Union: House Democratic Leader Rep. Hakeen Jeffries (D-NY); Eric Adams, the latest in a string of profoundly damaged and weird New York Mayors; former Gov. Asa Hutchinson (The Cult-AR). Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Former Trump-humping Secretary of State Mike Pompeo; Senator Mark Warner (D-VA).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 3, 2013
CHEERS to unexpected surprises. I didn’t think the Obama administration would weigh in on the Prop. 8 appeal case that's going in front of the Supreme Court this month. I thought they'd consider it a state issue and leave it alone. Well, I'm happy to be as wrong as a photo of Mitch McConnell in a thong on the cover of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. The scope of their brief is interesting:
What the brief endorsed is what has been called the “eight-state solution”—that is, if a state already recognizes for same-sex couples all the privileges and benefits that married couples have (as in the eight states that do so through “civil unions”) those states must go the final step and allow those couples to get married. The argument is that it violates the Constitution’s guarantee of legal equality when both same-sex and opposite-sex couples are entitled to the same marital benefits, but only the opposite-sex couples can get married.
The administration's support echoes that of a gaggle of Republicans and major corporations who filed briefs earlier this week. The other side, meanwhile, is submitting a brief from Henny Penny, a box of locusts, and a CD of Anita Bryant's greatest hit.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to sparklers in…March??? Great question, thanks for asking! The answer is YES! Fact is, when you go outside on a clear night and let your eyes adjust, you'll see a whole universe above you. And what is this universe doing, you ask? Another great question! The elves at NASA always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at March’s sky-watching tips, including the looming breakup of Venus and Jupiter, and a view of dwarf planet Ceres:
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Now look up at the stars and smile real big. Then put your fingers in your nostrils, stick out your tongue, turn around and bare your tuchus. Just in case someone up there is watching, let’s give ‘em a good show.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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[END]
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